Biologically unfit
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: A disarming quest throughout an incomprenhensible fate that doesn't match at all with the way she had planned it all. Karen centered.
1. Prologue

**Biologically unfit**

**Prologue**

Biologically unfit; the words had slapped her with the sharpness of indecency and a complete lack of tact as if she was a mere machine deprived of heart and so she wouldn't have any feeling. Perhaps it was a fair return after all these years claiming out loud that anyway, she was untouchable. The abruptness of a disturbing truth would have just got mixed with her peculiar sense of humor but she had been kidding, nothing more. She hadn't meant the slightest word of her scandalous behavior. It was supposed to be funny, make people laugh and get her accepted in a society where differences were the only way to succeed. She hadn't really thought about it twice. The role of the cold hearted millionaire sounded interesting and right with this ounce of revenge that would relieve her mind. She had suffered in the past; spent a lot of nights crying and shivering, scared, before the unknown next morning. She would probably always do, in her own way; her worries simply changing with the situations she had to face. If only she could prevent herself from the damages of a soul; she wouldn't mind to be cold or hot, then. The doors to her emotions would get locked and she would forget about sadness, bitterness and pain like those two words had just stirred up when she had happened to read them at the bottom of the page: biologically unfit.

She would have to say good-bye to happiness too though; happiness and love. Biologically unfit; she frowned and bit the inside of her mouth. Anyway she wouldn't be happy anymore now.

The leaf twirled in the sky, wondering if it should stay clutched to the branch or if it had done well while taking its independence. But a sudden gust of wind put an end to its philosophical question and it landed softly on the ground, vanishing very soon under the foot of some passer-by while the murmur of its companions still up on the trees began to mourn the craziness of its autumnal and fatal whim. Her hazel eyes followed in silence the vegetal death with a complete indifference as the wheels of a stroller divided it in two parts, more or less symmetrical; the dry carapace of its back crackling under the weight in this so particular sound, typical from the season while an invisible humus joined the subterranean life and produced a singular but lovely natural fragrance. The fall had its colors, a gray sky matching with red leaves; and a smell, a unique one. She loved this period of the year for being able to witness the furtive changes of a capricious weather when all of a sudden the rain pour got swallowed by the pale blue of a timid sun. Central Park seemed to glimmer even more by then, revealing its secrets and breathtaking charms through a romantic walk, a light run in the morning or the faded lights at the end of the day when your cold body was dying for the heat of a fireplace and the steam of a hot chocolate.

She parted her lips and let some cold air enter her mouth as she kept on looking at the gray plastic wheels. It had stopped, just opposite the bench she was sitting on. A travel bag which fabric matched with the rest of the stroller was dangerously losing its balance on the receptacle located just under the seat. A baby bottle showed up, half-empty, between the unzipped parts; some drops of milk still clutched to the transparent top of the item. She saw the shoes, hanging loosely on both sides; their cherry red color contrasting with the dark blue navy of the stroller. Very slowly she found herself looking up at the short legs lost in large jeans while little hands were wide opened, palms up to the sky, the rest of the body carefully protected from the wind by a green duffle coat and a red woolen scarf that made echo to the shoes. The clothes had been chosen meticulously, assembled in a perfect motion of good taste and financial comfort. She finished by the face, the delicate features and the cheeks, reddened by the invigorating air. She had big brown eyes and fine lips; long eyelashes, snub nose. Her dark hair had been put in two low bunches while the rest of her head had disappeared under a red homemade cap. Biologically unfit; a warm wave spread over her heart and she surprised herself by smiling. The little girl mustn't be older than a year or so, holding tightly against her chest a black rag doll. She was cute.

"Karen, what are you doing?"

She turned her face and looked at Grace, Will and Jack standing at the end of the path, obviously waiting for her. She nodded quietly and took a difficult, painful breath; then swallowed hard. It set off in her throat, ran along her cheek bones before pressing against her temples and finally reaching her eyes. Her vision got blurry as her nose began to hurt. She frowned, instinctively, trying to swallow back her tears. Her vision got nonetheless blurry and she felt it slide along her skin; a lonely one but sharp enough to break her heart. Biologically unfit; she opened her purse in a nervous gesture and took out of it the paper, sweeping away with the back of her hand the orphan tear. Her eyes scanned the numbers, the incomprehensible words, the percentages, the established boards. And the conclusion of the results closed the odd medical parenthesis with the basic terms that were now haunting her mind: biologically unfit. She cleared her voice, stood up; the colors of the stroller getting mixed with the clothes of the toddler, speeding past in front of her eyes. She tore the paper into a thousand pieces and threw it away in the nearest trash can. She joined her friends and smiled; kept on walking. For some reason she had placed herself next to Will, not Jack and that's why she suddenly grabbed his hand and held it tight, leaning her head on his shoulder as they passed the gates of Central Park and headed to The Upper West Side. Nobody made any remark before the effusion of her act, rare.

She had always been kidding; she did have a heart and her friends knew about it. It didn't have to be said out loud. She had thought it was logically implicit. So why did those two words have to rush in her life like that?

Biologically unfit; she closed her eyes and came even closer to Will. He tightened the embrace and rubbed her back. She did have feelings; or she wouldn't be so sad now.


	2. A forbidden feeling

**A forbidden feeling**

Once she had thought it had worked out by itself, exactly as she had always wanted. There was a romantic connotation into the accidental process as if life had decided that it was time for her to experience it. It didn't have to be studied or calculated, no. It was supposed to own this sparkling light of magic, a sort of miracle that embraced your heart all of a sudden and you went on happily. A simple test had reduced to nothing her soft illusions. It was a false alert, the only one she would ever have to face. She had felt stupid then, focalizing on precipitated decisions, irrevocable ones. What would she do with this room now? A nursery had been decorated for a childish utopia that had started burning her heart with convincing sharpness and whenever she had passed next to the door, eternally locked, while her eyes would look in the opposite direction, her pain would keep on tearing her soul. It's the only reason why she had moved out so quickly after Stanley's funeral. She needed to forget a lot of things, like the third room on your right, close to the library; a couple of forbidden feelings for a mere broken fantasy. It had been an urge, an evident turnover and so she had radically changed her perspectives and got everyone speechless while buying a lovely but common two-bedroom flat near Riverside Drive.

She had found herself alone overnight, dismissing a staff of thirty with the only exception of Rosario who came from time to time for some cleaning and laundry. At least it was what Karen kept on saying but she didn't fool anyone: she was just looking for some company. She had spent a certain amount of days taking advantage of the place, making it hers throughout a whole series of infinite details that had ended up littering the small rooms warmly. She felt fine there, at home; secured in a cozy atmosphere. Besides Will and Grace's flat was only five minutes away walking and even though she had never said it out loud, this was something that she had always wanted. Her marriage had been breaking apart for quite a while yet, heading straight for a huge crash in a wall of concrete if Stanley's heart hadn't been so weak. She had probably loved him though, at one moment. It might have been furtive, almost imperceptible but nonetheless enough to hope for a family with him. They hadn't spoken about it; she had been waiting for the right time. Apparently it didn't have to occur at all. Was it a sign or a missed occasion?

She had gone there for a casual appointment, a classic check-up. She did have in mind a question though; something that had been wandering through her head since she had settled down the bases of a new existence. She could have chosen the anonymity of a one-night stand and let nature make its work but it hadn't sounded right and that's why she had thought about artificial insemination. She had never gone into any further exam than the most regular ones. What for as everything seemed to be alright? She had got her period for the first time at the age of twelve and from then on she had experienced the routine of monthly stomachaches with a perfect regularity. She had been on the pill at the age of sixteen, forgotten it from time to time and seeing that nothing changed in spite of all, she had thought she was simply lucky. She hadn't tried to have a baby, like eighty-five percent of women. Why would she be different? As soon as she felt like getting pregnant, she would stop taking contraceptive method and it would work out. It always did, didn't it? Biologically unfit; she had stared blankly at the results at the bottom of the page on a Thursday morning. She had stayed still for a whole minute, unable to move and even less to think. It must have been a mistake; they had mixed medical files up and she had found herself reading the misfortune of some other woman. But no, it was hers and she had just been diagnosed with a ninety-five percent of natural infertility.

"Karen, you should do something about the pile of laundry waiting in your bathroom. Rosario is in South America for three months; you can't let your clothes like that in a corner."

Biologically unfit; the words made her shiver and she closed her eyes before shrugging, her back turned at Will. She leaned against the window and looked at the street below. It was raining and she felt empty. She did her best to give a proper answer but she only managed to murmur it.

"I don't know how to use the washing-machine."

"Then I show you. It's a brand new one, very easy to use."

She stood up reluctantly and followed her friend to the bathroom for a demonstration that she would never been able to reproduce once alone. She wanted to turn the page and forget about the stupid medical exam but the results were twirling so fast in her head that it ruined her whole system, weighing on her heart. She smiled at Will forcefully as the machine began the cycle but she couldn't help thinking how hard it could be to have to bear alone a harsh reality.

"I thought you were here to discuss the case of some papers for Walker Inc."

The attorney nodded, retrieving with an impressive effectiveness to the table of the living-room where they had been previously looking at a panel of different contracts that Karen had to sign to engage some process as blurry as ancient Greek for her. She trusted her friend enough though to do what she thought were the right things about the company and accept to leave her name at the bottom of the pages. She sat down next to him and leaned on her elbow then froze all of the sudden. Why did she have to give money to an Asian orphanage? She took the paper in her hands and stared at her friend in disbelief, swallowing back what she identified now as a forbidden feeling.

"What is that, honey?"

She shook her head and bit her lower lip, avoiding Will's gaze; then whispered.

"You know I'm not interested in babies."


	3. Blue mood

**Blue mood**

She waited for the slam of the door before grabbing her purse and taking out of it the bottle of pills. The irony of the situation could have made her act deliberately in front of everyone without the slightest interrogation from her observers but this time it wasn't for fun, a drugged getaway for a couple of hours. It was pure medicine and the seriousness that it required also imposed a veil of shyness, a vague shame over it. That's why she always chose the moment when Grace left the office for lunch. She found herself alone in the office, facing what had quickly become a very technical ritual of precise gestures and as calmly as she could, she set off the process like an odd ceremony of initiation and hopes. Three blue pills, a glass of water; she hated the coldness of the liquid running along her throat and the bright artificial color of the medicine contrasted with the paleness of her complexion against the palm of her hand. Then she carefully rolled up her top and passed a hand on her stomach in a motion of apologies for what she made her body experience. She wasn't even sure that at the end, it would work out enough to get back some hormonal balance. She just wanted to try and be able to say that she would have no regret then.

At the very beginning of the injections, she had pierced a vein by accident. She had gasped and panicked before her sudden bleeding, unsure of what she was supposed to do. Her medical knowledge being quite restricted, she had finally called her scientist and sighed, relieved before her comforting words. She nonetheless had got a bruise and a stomach as hard as a brick for three days in a row but it was only a bad souvenir; the lack of experience typical from novices. Now she could almost close her eyes and inject the hormones in a complete darkness within a second. She didn't even feel anymore the contact of the needle with her bare skin as if the routine had deleted the slightest emotion susceptible to show up before risky actions. She had subconsciously got rid of the humanization from her day-to-day life and curiously enough it was painful, sad and lonely.

It wasn't a lie but a secret about an extremely intimate matter and so she just couldn't tell it to her friends. She had to take her pills five minutes before eating; never skip any meal; drink moderately. If they happened to be at the restaurant, she simply locked herself in the restroom and gulped down the medicine in silence before coming back to the table with a bright smile playing on her lips. The injection had to take place in the morning, twice: when she got up and an hour or so before lunch time. The treatment required a military discipline that she had accepted without complaining. She would have to change a lot of things concerning her singular way of life but she had shrugged and raised her eyebrows before it, bitter; anyway it had already changed when she had learned she was "biologically unfit". Perhaps if she had confessed it to someone it would have been more easily bearable. After all going through a bad patch was always better when you weren't alone but she didn't want them to take pity of her and set off a whole series of condescending nods or even worse, speak to her as if she was dying. She was ironically fine, at least in appearances.

Taking medicine wasn't a problem in itself; she didn't really mind about it in spite of the sided effects like this perpetual nausea and the sentiment to feel a bit dizzy in the morning. No, it was more about the words: biologically unfit. They sounded sharp and harsh, mean; as if she was simply unable to reproduce one of the basic elements that determined the society she belonged to. She knew it wasn't her fault and there was nobody to blame for what she was living but still, she felt bad for not having the full capacity to give life to someone as if she was too selfish for that. It didn't sound right. Joking over the phone with Jack, Karen put back the needle in its box and slid it immediately at the very bottom of her purse; then stood up and turned around. His presence made her stumble backwards and vaguely lose her balance. She grabbed the edges of her desk and put an end to her conversation before frowning at him.

"I didn't hear you come in, honey. You scared me to death. Grace isn't here."

Will didn't ask anything; she felt safe and life went on. She went to wash her hands, came back, chatted with him for a couple of minutes, her foot caressing reassuringly the leather of her purse, hoping he hadn't witnessed anything. The rest of the day only resulted in a series of light and pleasant moments far from the anxiety stirred up by her "biologically unfit".

A week passed by under the same routine of a pale hopeful light. She opened the door with effusion, still smiling before Jack's warm friendship and put down the dozen of bags from Barney's. They had spent the afternoon shopping, passing from store to store with this carefree attitude that she had used so much once. For most of the people she still had it but deep inside herself she knew that she was just pretending and the taste of it wasn't the same at all. It was bitter, falsely entertaining. But for a couple of hours the dark-haired woman had found back a semblance of past illusion and she had felt fine. She took off her high heels, walking barefoot on the hardwood floor of her small flat. The rain had become icy lately; the wind stronger. The fall was slowly fading away as the winter was moving forward in a quiet but self-confident motion and very soon the snow would be back. She turned on the television and headed to the kitchen area to prepare a hot chocolate; the voice of the anchorwoman sounding far, stifled in the background. A moan of satisfaction escaped from her lips as she sat down on the couch, mug in hand a few minutes later. She grabbed the pile of mails absent-mindedly and went through the envelopes with a fast and disinterested gesture until the logo of the laboratory caught up her attention and her heart stopped beating.

Besides the injections and the pills, Karen had to effectuate regular blood tests so that they might follow with precision the evolution of the treatment and adapt even more quickly the new required dose. This one was the first of a long series but also the very next one that followed the condemnation of what she had thought would be a mere check-up. All of a sudden her hands began to shake and she swallowed hard, remembering the moment she had opened the mail and everything had tipped over without any warning. It was still fresh in her mind but anyway she would never forget it either; as much as she would like to. Stanley had died three months ago and forty-two days later she had learned that she would probably never become a mother. Her hazel eyes looked around for some help, the slightest support. But she found herself alone in a virtual face-to-face with the joyful characters of Sesame Street. Growling in annoyance, she tore the envelope and read the results; then stayed blank, unable to breathe properly. The tears welled up in her eyes and she stifled her deception before jumping, cut in the middle of her sorrow by Will as he knocked and entered immediately her flat.

Was it a trick of her mind or did he actually come over every five minutes? His sudden arrival put an end to her self-pity and she let the letter disappear under the pile of mails as the total lack of evolution and negative results began to play atrociously with her heart but she had to control herself and pretend she was fine. The attorney sat down next to her and sighed, obviously exasperated before her absence of reaction.

"Okay so I assume you have forgotten, one more time, that every Tuesday evening I had to come over at your place to deal with Stanley's legacy and the thousand offers I receive every single day and that I have to study before introducing them to you and then we decide to accept them or not. Please, Karen, I'm tired so try to make an effort and put a post-it somewhere in your mind."

"Do you want a drink?"

"No, I don't."

His sentences were short, effective but cold. He clearly didn't want to waste more time with her right now; a bad day at work, maybe. She didn't say a word. As a matter of fact, she didn't feel like arguing that night. It didn't seem funny and even less appropriated. Both friends didn't wish anything but end it up as quickly as possible: Will to come back home with a person he really liked and her just to find herself alone and cry without the slightest restraint. It worked out for quite a while as she put her mind in automatic reply but for some reason her nerves didn't handle it properly and all of a sudden she looked aside; then closed her eyes. For the very first time since the beginning, Will stopped; firstly confused before Karen's silence and the way she was turning her back at him.

"Is everything okay?"

His hand brushed her shoulder; her back began to shake under a wave of stifled sobs. She shook her head; it got him speechless and ashamed for not having noticed her friend's sadness earlier in the evening. He must have seen her cry only a couple of times, not even at her husband's funeral. She was strong, too much perhaps but still; and so it was always a real surprise, a cold shower, when she dared to let her pain come out. With awkwardness he grabbed her frame for a hug but froze; then let her do as she leaned her face on his knees and kept on crying silently, staring blankly at the trailers of Sesame Street.


	4. The echo to a dark reality

**The echo to a dark reality**

_Karen isn't fine. _He had witnessed a lot of things but stayed quiet all along; how she always went to the bathroom before sharing a meal, how her eyes were blank and most of all, the injection. He hadn't meant to walk in on her that day and to be completely honest, if he hadn't been so astonished, he would have cleared his voice or at least let her understand that he was here, witnessing the scene. But his gaze had gone straight on her fingers and the perfection with which she was holding the needle; like a diabetic. She wasn't though; he knew it. She might have been paler than usual, looked more tired. He could barely have said for the shameful reason that he hadn't really paid attention to her friend's quiet sorrow and all of a sudden the truth had exploded before him in a last attempt to make him move and react. _Karen needs help. _She was complex and mysterious; owned a lot of courage and a huge amount of stubbornness, of pride. She wasn't Grace and so he didn't really know how to behave.

The attorney passed the doors of the office, smiling awkwardly. The interior designer frowned and shook her head.

"I'm sorry Will, but I can't have lunch with you today. I have this important meeting…"

"At one thirty; yes, I know. You told me about it yesterday. I come to pick up Karen anyway."

The dark-haired woman stared at him in disbelief, some apprehension winning little by little over her so controlled nerves. She had cried against his knees a couple of evenings before; then stood up all of a sudden, apologizing. They had closed the parenthesis and went on. She hadn't wanted to tell him anything; he hadn't known what to do. Drawing a line under it had seemed logical and obvious so why was he speaking now about a face-to-face at some restaurant? She accepted the invitation, ate in silence; didn't say a word about it then came back home at the end of the day and burst into tears as soon as she plunged her face into the hot water of a comforting bath. Things were getting complicated, for her heart. She had thought until now that she would be able to go on alone but the days were passing by and the realization was sharp: she couldn't handle that on her own.

_There's something wrong with Karen. Jack doesn't know about it neither does Grace or they would have changed. Is it about Stanley? Of course it's not. _He turned on West 68th street and kept on walking, highly concentrated on his thoughts; his gaze lost in the monotone gray of the asphalt. The way was pretty much deserted at this time of the day and so he speeded up his pace, bumping almost violently in someone who was apparently going down some stairs on his right. He had only seen her shoes; high heels, black ones. Instinctively, Will put a hand on her forearm and cleared his voice.

"Oh I'm sorry…"

"Hell, watch out, kiddy."

They froze at the same time before their well-known voices and slowly looked up at each other, vaguely mortified. He frowned; she bit her lower lip.

"What are you doing here, honey? Aren't you supposed to be working?"

Will glanced at the door behind Karen, the golden letters of the private clinic.

"What are you doing here? Damn what are you hiding from me, from us?"

She felt like answering by a stubborn 'nothing' but it stayed trapped in her throat and for the very first time the millionaire found herself hesitating; her mouth working in silence, jumping from a decision to another one. Will took advantage of her confusion to grab her hand and hold it tight.

"Come with me."

She followed him in silence, let him guide her through the streets until she finally found herself in front of a cup of tea; sitting down on a wooden chair of some coffee store. Her hands ran on the mug. She looked down and sighed, unable to make the first step; the slightest one as a matter of fact.

"Karen, talk to me… It's me; you can trust me. Don't stay so quiet. It's scaring. I don't like it at all."

"And I don't like what's happening."

She swallowed back a sob and swept away a tear with the back of her hand. Her feet were twisted around each other in a state of high nervousness and her heart was pounding loud in her chest. She had to let it go out; she felt the urge tightening her throat, making her suffocate. She shook her head at him. She couldn't do it.

"Are you sick? What were you doing at this clinic?"

She stared blankly at his hand coming to rest over hers and for some reason she thought about Jack. She was close to him, a lot more than to Will so why had she cried out in front of him? Why was she there, now, on the edge of confessing it?

"I'm fine."

She shrugged, not at all convinced by her own words.

"I'm not dying or something, Will. Don't be worried… I'm healthy; somehow. There's just a little part of myself that isn't working as it should do and so I'm looking for a solution. This is just a matter of adjustment."

"Then why are you crying? You didn't let a tear show up at your husband's funeral. How can it just be an adjustment? What is it?"

She blushed before the intimacy of the answer. There was absolutely nothing easy to say about it. She took a sharp breath and sent it all to hell.

"There was something hanging around in my mind for quite a while; no matters Stanley and I were getting a divorce… It had become clear that I really wanted to have a child and so I decided to look at artificial insemination. It was supposed to be a stupid check-up, just a routine exam. It resulted that I have a hormonal imbalance. I'm 95 sterile or as they say, I'm biologically unfit."

"That's why you get those injections…"

She jumped, surprised by his remark but finally nodded.

"It's an ovarian stimulation; by injections and pills. For the moment it hadn't changed anything but you know me; I don't renounce so easily."

She laughed but way too bitterly. She didn't really feel relieved or lighter; uncomfortable for sure, perhaps a bit warmer. She didn't know what to think about the fact he didn't even look surprised before her maternal wishes. It didn't match at all with her constant attitude. He never came up with any remark though; as if it was normal, logical. She appreciated it. Both friends stayed still for a minute or so, staring at each other. He pressed her hand tighter then smiled and took a sip of his coffee. She did as well before rushing in his arms and getting lost in the comfort of his embrace; the perfect silence of their shared secret disturbed by her chair brushing with a violent need the floor in a screeching sound as her body left it to succumb to his own heat.


	5. Between you and I

**Between you and I**

She felt guilty somehow as if she had simply abdicated to her weaknesses and taken him away into the harsh extravaganza of a whim or two. He didn't have to bear what she was experiencing. It wasn't his fault, even less his choice. It had nothing to do with him and so she looked at his nonetheless implication with the odd sentiment he shouldn't be there, next to her. She used to tell him about it a lot but his gesture was always the same: a simple 'drop it out' with his hand then a smile. Was he just careful or simply honest? She couldn't really say but the weight of his gaze and the exactitude of his words averted the least notion of pity that she had dreaded so much until now if one of her friends happened to know about the situation; her own little required adjustment. They didn't necessarily speak a lot about it. The attention owned an implicit quietness over it like a furtive gaze at the office or the pale shades of a smile. Grace and Jack didn't know; she didn't want to. After all she wasn't even sure that it would lead to a positive result so there was absolutely no need for them to take part in the complex process of the medical treatment; not yet. She wasn't suffering from any fatal disease; she was fine, ironically healthy. She simply tried to push aside the resented pain towards the sharpness of the 'biologically unfit' and keep on looking up at her hopes. She had to be positive.

It made them change though, perhaps subconsciously but they did. Will stayed a longer while on Tuesday evenings at her place. Once they were done with Walker Inc., they kept a couple of hours for themselves. At the beginning the intimacy of Karen's confession had stirred up a vague awkwardness and so they just watched a movie or discussed over any casual thing. The silence between their replies produced a staccato effect that only managed to emphasize their embarrassment for not knowing how to properly behave. Being with Grace and Jack was easier as they just avoided the subject for some obvious reasons but in spite of all, they liked being alone together. It was a matter of time and adaptation that came little by little until one day Will dared to ask her further questions about the treatment. He knew he had to make this step forward or his presence would be pointless in this room; not that he didn't want to know, on the contrary, but he just wasn't sure how to speak about it. It touched her in a way he had barely thought once possible. Karen didn't really give into emotions; that wasn't a secret for anyone. Of course she might be sad and feel down from time to time but it wasn't in her habits to show it without the slightest restraint as she had done with him. And as much as she was a troubling mystery to him, Will knew that she had needed a lot of courage to let her guard fall down and accept the confession. He couldn't disappoint her now.

It seemed it had taken him ages to dare to ask while only a week had actually passed by. Her explanations had been cleared, her voice disturbingly calm, revealing a perfect knowledge of a world she almost ignored the existence a couple of months before. It was a matter of adaptation, forced or not. She never told him how she appreciated his presence; how thankful she was that he had grabbed her hand in the middle of the street and taken some time to listen to her troubled mind. There was something reassuring in the fact of not being alone. As much as he couldn't help her to resolve the problem, he brought certain sweetness to her hopes, an unexpected one. She would have never imagined that Will would be the one she would become close to when a side of her life was falling apart.

Karen's changes were more subtle, invisible. She kept on throwing harsh remarks, playing silly with Jack. _Hey, life goes on anyway. Look, the world hasn't stopped turning. _The relation she used to have with her own body had unfortunately suffered from the medical announce and as if it was an unknown entity, she looked at it with distant eyes; fragile before the idea she had lost something, an evident complicity. She had slightly put on weight, one of the sided effects of the hormonal treatment and so she was on a healthier diet. Implicit clauses of course; she seemed to have a thing for heavy secrets. And there was this other part over which she remained quiet for being inexistent as a matter of fact.

"Karen it looks like your lover forgot half of his cargo here last night; or this morning."

Frowning in confusion before Jack's statement, she abandoned her pointless activity and turned around to look at her friend. He was grinning mischievously, holding a condom between his fingers. Grace giggled and smirked at the millionaire, obviously amused. She shook her head vigorously, trying to ignore the blush on her cheeks then picked it up and rolled her eyes. The interior designer put down the magazine she was reading and cleared her voice, obviously not ready at all to give up such subject.

"I wonder why you are so secretive about your love life, Karen. I mean, we never meet any of your partners and you barely speak about it. I seriously doubt you consider sex as a taboo…"

For a couple of seconds she stared blankly at her friends, her eyes stopping frankly on Will. He was the one who spent the largest amount of time in her company. Did he also wonder about it? The truth was that the condom came from the clinic. She was always given some at the end of the consultation; perhaps because she was single, she hadn't really thought about it. She must have taken it out of the pocket of her coat; thrown it on the coffee table while coming back home then forgotten it. She bit the inside of her mouth, looking for a reply. To be completely honest, she owned an impressive collection of free condoms resting in a box, put on a shelf in her bathroom. She hadn't used any of them. And if she hadn't introduced anyone to her friend, or at least spoken about some person, it was simply because nobody had come up to draw a line under her loneliness. She might speak about missed occasions but it wasn't even the problem. How could she pretend to become intimate with a perfect stranger when she was herself embarrassed by her own nakedness?

"I wouldn't have enough time to introduce all of them to you, honey; unless you take a couple of weeks off."

That was the biggest change, the most problematic one as well. She had lost self-confidence and let the slightest desire fade away as if she simply didn't have the right to even think about the pleasures brought by a relationship. Thank God she was good at lying. She glanced at Will; he looked away. She should be careful of this new closeness to him; it could damage her slightest attempt to fool everybody.


	6. Live from New York it's

**Live from New York it's…**

Paul was handsome. She had immediately fallen for his bright smile and the gentle way he used to look at her. He had a lot of charm like these old movie stars she used to watch as a child, always in black and white. She felt fine and warm while being with him, safe. The restaurant was crowded but it was all about him and the way the candles were lighting his perfect complexion, his green eyes sparkling. She grabbed her glass of champagne but choked on it as a hand came to rest on her shoulder. She looked up; it was Will.

"What are you doing here, honey?"

Her friend's unexpected presence took her aback and so she frowned, vaguely amused; embarrassed as well when she realized that she had to introduce both men. She had been reproached her so quiet love life so it may be time for her to give it a change or two and assume her choices. A quick glance at Paul and she got comforted; there was nothing to be ashamed about.

"Will, this is Paul. Paul, this is…"

"Come with me."

She looked at the attorney in disbelief, astonished before the sudden firmness of his tone but she nonetheless stood up, excused herself and followed him to the lobby. He grabbed her forearm and locked his brown eyes with hers. He looked angry.

"Who is he? You shouldn't date him."

"Is it a joke, Wilma? Give me one reason that would justify your childish behavior. You're ruining my evening."

"Do you want to fuck him?"

She scoffed, now extremely shocked by her friend's incomprehensible reaction. It was the first time she saw him in such a state and she didn't know what to think. To be completely honest, she was a bit scared and didn't feel fine at all.

"Now you're going to listen to me, big moody fairy! Who do you think you are to ask me about that? I can't believe you're…"

"I don't want you to have your way with him! You won't have sex with this guy!"

"I don't give a flying fuck about what you want or not! I'm big enough to take my own decisions and… Why are you acting like that?"

She couldn't help but gasp as he cupped her face between his hands and hold her tight, coming closer to her; his hot breath sending shivers to her spine.

"Because I'm so in love with you; I want you."

His lips captured hers in a wild motion of extreme sweetness and she responded to it immediately, feeling this warm wave growing in her stomach as they deepened it and she buried her hand through his hair; sighing in his mouth, delighted and excited. His hand travelled down her back and came to rest on her hips as he put her against the wall, molding his entire body against hers. She had never been kissed like that; with such passion and sincerity unless it was just a matter of feelings that made then the whole difference.

"Oh God, Will…"

He followed the line of her jaw before sucking meticulously her neck and as she was melting under his bold ministrations, a phone rang in the background. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on her own feelings and the way she was caressing his inner thighs with her knee but the ringing of the phone became more and more insistent. She growled in annoyance and pushed Will away; then turned on her right, ready to yell that someone had to answer when it turned all dark.

She opened her eyes and winced, trying to get back a regular breath. A few seconds passed by before her realizing where she was and then she got accustomed to the dark. The middle of the night in her bedroom; the phone was ringing. She moved and grabbed her cell but it was too late, an anonymous call besides. She hated when people did that. Wide awake now, Karen got up and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water. The liquid ran loudly from the bottle to an abandoned but cleaned mug she found on the counter. She took a sip and froze all of a sudden.

"Oh my God…"

It took her at least five minutes. She could have forgotten about it as soon as she had awoken but no, of course, she had had to keep it in mind and now every single detail of her dream was passing slowly before her ashamed eyes. She bit her lower lip and made a face. Perhaps she really needed to have sex, some casual encounter that would satisfy her obviously frustrated body unless it was just a hormonal trick caused by her treatment. And as for Will… She looked down. They spent a lot of time together and shared lately a closeness that she couldn't deny; didn't feel like to anyway. Her brain had probably mixed it up all and that's why she had found herself kissing him; virtually. She went back to bed, troubled in spite of her efforts to reassure herself that it didn't mean anything. She had never had any erotic dream about him. It was the first time and she hoped the last one too. She turned off the lights and closed her eyes carefully; way too scared to come back a bit too quickly to this disturbing fantasy.

Grace wasn't in town and Jack was on a date so they had logically found themselves alone and decided to spend the evening together, at her place. Sitting down on the couch, Karen felt nervous and kept on ignoring Will's gaze; falsely concentrated on Saturday Night Live. For once she didn't get any joke, barely laughed; just from time to time to make sure that he wouldn't find her suspicious. As long as she had been surrounded by a couple of people, she hadn't really mind and felt pretty relaxed but now they were together, alone, her last dream was laughing loud at her in the depths of her mind. She was so embarrassed.

"You know that you kind of look like Tina Fey when you have your glasses on and your hair is up… I have never noticed it before."

Instinctively she took off her glasses and passed a hand through her hair which made him smile.

"It suits you. It's a compliment, Karen. There's no need to mess it all up."

She watched back the television screen; a dog was running in the street, chasing a bee until cheese appears all of a sudden and the animal stopped, obviously delighted. This was the worst commercial she had ever seen.

"Would you mind to come with me on Tuesday? I don't feel like being alone this time…"

She had her second appointment for another series of medical exams and before the obvious failure of the first ones she dreaded them more than anything. Her eyes studied his knees, unable to look up at him properly. She was ashamed and felt stupid but in real need and he was the only one who could ever bring her a comforting presence. She felt his gaze on her and slightly jumped as he rubbed her back and kissed her head; then whispered.

"I thought you would never ask, Karen."


	7. The way it is

**The way it is**

There was never any parental magazine, only fashion ones in which the described life didn't have to match with children. The strategy was evident but nonetheless poor and not effective at all. At least the message had the credit to be clear: there was no need to be too hopeful. She let the publication slide along her knees before it reaching the coffee table and vanishing amount the other issues. She swallowed hard and restrained a wave of nausea. Those places made her sick and anxious. She remembered the pink shorts she was wearing and the way she was balancing her legs, sitting down on a blue plastic chair, the day a scientist had stopped in front of her mother to announce that she would never be able to say a proper good-bye to her father. It was too late and he was dead now. Will moved on his seat, falsely focalized on the reading of The New York Times. His eyes passed way too quickly on the sentences and in spite of his almost convincing relaxed features, she knew he was nervous; or sad for her. She looked down and frowned. That would be the worst though; bowing before her pitiful and pointless life.

"Karen, you can come in."

She could have enumerated every single item with closed eyes; the way they had been put down, how smooth but terribly uncomfortable the leather armchairs were, the cold metallic sound of a whole series of objects that more or less looked like tools of torture for novices and the files, always opened to a new white and pure page as if it was time to start it all over again and forget about the past.

"I see you have finally decided to bring someone with you. I really thought you weren't listening to any of my advices, you know. I'm glad I wasn't speaking to the walls. I am Doctor Mary Hazel; nice to meet you."

The blonde tended her hand to Will who shook it politely, a pale smile playing on his lips. The whole situation sounded weird; his presence there, next to his friend. As much as he cared about her health he couldn't help wondering how they had come to this point when they found themselves together at some obstetric clinic like a married couple whose last hopes were resting on a perfect stranger's shoulders while he could count on the fingers of one hand the times he had kissed Karen. Life might take an unexpected turn, sometimes.

"I am Will Truman, Karen's…"

"He's my lawyer."

The scientist frowned and looked at both friends in confusion before focalizing on the millionaire.

"You don't want to sue me, do you? You know I'm really doing my best…"

"Oh no, of course not; Will is also my friend. As a matter of fact he is the only one to whom I impose such a nightmare."

"Karen, stop. This is not funny."

Her hazel eyes stared at him and she apologized silently.

"Okay so here we are for the second series of exams. It's been a month now since you've started the treatment which also means that if the results turn out to be one more time negative, we would have to think about another solution like adoption."

"Yes, I know."

Karen avoided Will's astonished gaze. She hadn't told him about it; how it was her last chance. She would have liked being able to but as a matter of fact she barely managed to tell it to herself so she had remained quiet over it. He didn't say a word but she knew he was angry and probably hurt by her stupid and selfish silence. She had betrayed his trust somehow. Very slowly her fingers brushed his and she grabbed his hand then pressed it softly. _I'm sorry, honey._

"And as usual you will get the results by mail within three days. Do you have any question?"

Doctor Hazel mainly looked at Will for knowing that Karen had got it all very quickly, like most of the patients. It's weird how we learn fast when we're hit by some tragedy. The attorney shook his head.

She rolled her eyes, stared at the ceiling and sighed. She hated the silence preceding an announcement. There was nothing more horrible, unbearable; a real torture for the nerves and a sharp experience for the heart. She cleared her voice for the thousandth time and tried to relax on the couch. Three days had passed by; it was ten in the morning and it was just a matter of minutes now before her getting the mail. What would happen next? What would happen if it turned out to be that she might start the insemination process? What would happen if it had failed?

"You didn't have to come here. You should be working, Will."

"Don't worry for that. I was there for the exams so I want to be here for the results. It's logical. Besides nobody should be left alone in such a time."

The dark-haired woman nodded to nothing in particular and leaned over, twisting her hands nervously; then turned her face and looked at him.

"Why did you never laugh at me? Why did you never come up with some remark about how stupid the idea of a pregnancy could be? We both know that I'm far from being the perfect maternal girl. Why did you stay silent over it?"

She wasn't sure why she had let it come out at this precise moment; as if the tension caused by the wait wasn't enough. Will shook his head.

"There's absolutely nothing to laugh at. You might be a little eccentric but we all know who you really are; more or less…"

"I need a kiss."

She looked at him and laughed lightly at her own remark. This was something she used to do with Jack, some silly and childish thing; warm and funny. He smiled and nodded, passing his hand around her nape.

"Come here."

She leaned over and closed her eyes then held her breath as she felt his against her lips. For some reason she thought about Valentine's Day at Shelter Island a year ago when Stanley, still in jail, hadn't been able to attend the party. Will had come over and they had kissed. Had there been another one since then? She wouldn't have been able to say it. They finally made contact in a quiet sweetness but didn't break apart; didn't deepen the kiss either. It was an innocent lip lock that might be lasting a little too long for being categorized as a mere friendly one. A knock on the door made them jump. Karen looked down at her right hand, resting calmly palm down on the couch. She cleared her voice before standing up to pick up the mail; closing back the door with her foot, her eyes way too focalized on the envelopes she was going through with an evident nervousness. She recognized it immediately and froze; her fingertips following the logo of the clinic.


	8. Life is a series of numbers

**Life is a series of numbers**

She tore the envelope and went straight to the bottom of the page, flying above the percentages and the incomprehensible names supposed to constitute her own body from her blood to her flesh. She didn't move, slightly breathed; winced. Will stood up and looked at her with certain anxiety before her sudden absence of reaction. His eyes tried to catch up the results on the mail but her hair was blocking any possibility of reading.

"Please Karen, speak. Say something."

Her mouth worked in silence. For a couple seconds the millionaire felt like she had simply forgotten the mere notion of speaking; not the words but the way her voice coordinated itself with her lips, her tongue. She began to shake and felt the tears well up in her eyes. She swallowed them back; there was no need to cry, especially in front of someone. She finally managed to lock her eyes with her friend's brown ones.

"I got it."

She had whispered the three words, afraid that their meaning might vanish if she dared to tell them out loud. She barely believed them anyway. She looked back at the page and checked it twice. She almost missed the sad conclusion she had got accustomed to with the passing of time and the agony of her sweet illusions. For once 'biologically unfit' wasn't written. Had they just forgotten it? A sudden smile escaped from her lips and she started laughing hysterically, shaking her head at Will.

"It worked. Oh my God… I can have a baby!"

Taken away by the sudden effusion of joy, he took her in his arms and made her twirl around. She looked lighter all of a sudden, more relaxed. Her features seemed to be relieved and she surprised herself by seeing the world under another light, a brighter one. She knew it would be long and maybe a mere utopia but she had at least reached another stage in her silent fight.

"This calls for a celebration, honey. Let's go to the restaurant. I'm starving besides."

The smile that had accompanied the last few days since the arrival of the positive results vanished and let seriousness come back over her light effusion. She passed her tongue over her lips and looked at Doctor Hazel before grabbing Will's hand in a vague motion of timid closeness. The blonde nodded and smiled reassuringly.

"It looks like you sat the first part of the exam, Karen; congratulations. I'm really happy for you. So now let's speak about some more concrete aspects of the reason why you came here in the first place. Now you have been stimulated, we're going to be able to take some of your ovaries off and proceed to the artificial insemination. As you are single with no specific relation mentioned, I give you the repertory of all the anonymous donators; with basic information about them. Your case being nonetheless serious in a medical way, we keep up the hormonal treatment, probably until you finally give birth if everything works out. You're allowed to three inseminations a year; not only because the cost is expensive…"

"Money isn't a problem at all for me. I could give you one million dollar if I had to."

"I know that. But your body needs a strict period of rest between two inseminations. It's a sort of hormonal assault for it; it's pretty violent. Now there's also another possibility if you want to. We do have this catalogue and as you can imagine, the clauses of confidentiality are untouchable, especially when it comes to the anonymity of the donators. You have to take it very seriously and think that we're talking about someone's life; someone's identity. You can choose one of them or decide to pick up someone of your entourage. A lot of women prefer this option because their children have a full access to their origins. It's just another possibility, someone you know could be interested; a friend."

Karen felt her heart stop beating as she followed the scientist's eyes towards Will. She let go of his hand and looked aside, trying to ignore the red on her cheeks. She grabbed the repertory with an obvious awkwardness.

"Yeah, well, I'm going to have a look at it."

"Take your time. This is really important. And when your choice is settled down, then we will start the process. In the meantime we don't change anything about the pills; you can drop out the injections though. Congratulations again; this is a reason more to be hopeful."

A week passed by and the dark-haired woman was beginning to know every single donator by heart but it didn't change anything and couldn't settle down the slightest choice over any of the offered numbers. Was it how life was supposed to be, just a mere series of numbers? Besides, did that mean something that the father was a journalist or a baker? Since when parents' occupations determined children's ones, especially when they didn't live with them? It sounded a bit lame; a poor theory of archaic ideas. Tuesday evening arrived and lost in her wonders, she didn't pay attention at all when Will showed her the new cases supposed to interest Walker Inc. After a dozen of vain attempts, the attorney gave up and grabbed the catalogue, leafing through it absent-mindedly.

"So how is your sperm shopping going?"

"This is a pure nightmare. What do you think about Mister thirty-two? I also have a thing for his pal, sixty-one."

She stood up and headed to the kitchen for another bottle of wine. It was weird to speak about such intimate things with Will. She had always imagined that it was a woman subject; the kind of conversation you shared at some adult slumber party and certainly not with a gay guy friend. She had never hated him but close enough to speak about her ovaries either. She let it go and pretended it was okay. After all he didn't seem troubled at all. Since when was she the one who had taboos?

"Oh no, not sixty-one; I'm sure twenty-three is extremely cute. Listen: green eyes, pale skin… I'd do him nice and good."

She grabbed the catalogue off Will's hands and shook her head in an amused disbelief, sitting back on the couch; glass of red wine in hands.

"It looks like you're having sexual withdrawal symptoms, honey. Who have you been dating lately? Wait let me guess: David Letterman, Conan O'Brian, Jay Leno?"

"Be careful, Karen. I could return you the question."

She sighed heavily and looked at the ceiling; then shrugged.

"I've not really been in the right mood for dirty evenings, lately."

Will sat up and rubbed her back, feeling a veil of bitterness in her quiet and chaste reply.

"I know. But now life is starting all over again, isn't it? It's time to go out and take advantage of stunning males' bodies."

Her hazel eyes stared at him in disbelief; she smirked.

"What a rebel you are, Wilma."


	9. Settle down and never come back

**Settle down and never come back**

She arched her back and leaned her head backwards against the wall as her nails pressed his skin. She swallowed hard. The drops of water were running on her body, sliding between her breasts in a hot caress, following his tongue and his sensual kisses. She was breathing loud as if she had just climbed the stairs to the tenth floor of some building. Her lungs were asking for air but the pressure of her heart and the sensibility of her senses prevented her from accepting the request. She could feel her orgasm grow in lower stomach, weaken her legs and take possession of her mind little by little as her voice was finding back its real tone through subtle waves of moan. It wasn't as high-pitched as usual but nonetheless feminine enough. As a matter of fact she liked the way it sounded by then and lost in the exhilaration of the moment, it was when she fully realized that she was a woman; with her needs and desires, all her feelings. And no matter she would never be as fragile as on the edge of her own paroxysm like now. She was at his mercy; she adored that. She frowned then bit her lower lip, drawing a line under the words she felt like saying out loud even though to be honest, her brain had ceased to work for quite a while and she wouldn't have been able to elaborate the slightest meaningful sentence. Another thrust brushed her and she let it go; a veil of intense pleasure running from her feet to her head and she became his, holding Will's tightly under the boldness of some mischievous shower.

"Karen, I can't believe you're not listening to me!"

The dark-haired woman jumped and looked at Jack who was pouting, his chin leaned against the palm of his hand; a few inches away from her face. She blushed and frowned, obviously embarrassed by the easiness of her disturbing and extremely wrong fantasies. The actor noticed the red on her cheeks and he began to giggle.

"What were you thinking about that you're all red like that? You look like a tomato that would have spent way too much time in the microwave."

"I need a kiss."

He smiled and leaned over; kissed her and broke apart, satisfied. Was there any legal time so that a lip lock crossed the lines of innocence and got the shades of something more? It had been so furtive, almost inexistent. She shook her head before concentrating on her friend. It might be the pure result of her imagination and this kiss was identical to Will's one. It had to anyway.

She gave up her wonders and left the office for the restaurant.

Having erotic dreams was normal for not saying healthy. She was a sexual entity so her hormones controlled her whole body and played mischievously with her brain, making her picture out some bold scenes with perfect strangers, close friends. She had never been attracted to him, not really. She did recognize that he was good-looking, nice, smart and funny but never had she come to the conclusion that she would like to sleep with him; no matter his sexual orientation or the fact she used to be married. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes but froze all of a sudden as the furtive blindness made her concentrate on her senses. The drops of water were running on her skin, hot, with sensuality; like in her dream. She stepped out of the shower immediately, wrapped herself in a bath towel and hurried to the living room to pick up the catalogue. Half-sat on the couch, she leafed through it furiously then stopped, satisfied. Her delicate fingers grabbed a lipstick abandoned on the coffee table and she circled a number without even reading the description written under; then went for her phone to dial a number.

"Hi, this is Karen Walker… Fine, thank you; I was calling to know when we can set off the process because… Yes, exactly; I have one."

She finally made her choice over a general anaesthetic even though the scientist had assured her that some clinics didn't even offer it for the operation being so short; vaguely painful but short. She had narrowed her eyes before the last comment.

"What kind of pain is it?"

"It's like menstruation pain; stomachache."

She had signed right away for the highest amount of legalized drugs. She would go there on Friday morning and would be released thirty minutes later with the strict order to stay at home and rest; then be careful to any sign of slight distress like bleeding and unusual temperature. Then she would have the whole weekend to get back to a normal routine, slowly. She could have come alone and spent the rest of the day reading some magazines in the depths of her bed but Will insisted to come with her and she hid with difficulty her relief before such attention. She didn't like operations at all and even less the post-hours.

To be completely honest, she didn't remember the slightest thing. One minute she was laid on a bed and the next one she was staring at a white ceiling before the room turned dark. She had done her best not to look too nervous in front of her friend. It would have sounded childish and weak, a bit too human perhaps. She had just smiled at him and waved good-bye; then came back with a huge headache and a blurry vision until the effects of aneasthesia vanished definitely and it was already time to leave. She would have a call in a week or so to tell her about the way the insemination was working; they would keep the most beautiful assemblages or marriages as they liked saying. She found it ridiculous.

"Do you want to drink something? Karen, what are you looking for?"

The bright sun of a winter afternoon was passing through the window of her bedroom and was making her wince way too much. She took her sunglasses and put them on but kept on moving all around, nonetheless sitting down in her bed or better said a mattress; she hadn't thought about buying a base yet. At least she used to say that to people but as a matter of fact, she simply loved the way it was. It reminded her of her adolescence. She had always hated sleeping in a real bed.

"I'm looking for Mister Banjo. I need him to fall asleep when I'm a bit sick."

Will looked at the millionaire in disbelief. Was she still under the effects of the drugs she had been administered?

"And may I ask who Mister Banjo is?"

"Mister Banjo is my…"

Her fingers made contact with the cotton fabric, so soft; but she froze and winced blankly at her friend, realizing all of a sudden the meaning of her nearest explanation.

"Mister Banjo is a novel."

"You need a novel titled _Mister Banjo_ to fall asleep when you're sick?"

"Listen I'm kind of tired, honey… I'm not in the mood for further explanations. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I will be in the living room working if you need me. Don't hesitate. Are you in pain?"

She shrugged, swallowing back the truth and the way it really hurt; then grabbed his neck and kissed his lips softly.

"Thank you for being here. I will never forget that, honey."

Will smiled and left her bedroom. He had a lot of cases to work on. Two hours passed by without the slightest sound escaping from the door he had shut, ajar; looking up and avid to have a break, he stretched out his arms and stood up to check on Karen. Very carefully Will entered the room as an amused smile began to play on his lips. The dark-haired woman was deeply asleep, huddled up on her side; holding in her arms, clutched to her chest, a gray velvet cuddly mouse with a rain coat on and a Stetson hat. _Mister Banjo, I suppose…_


	10. Whatever is happening inside

**Whatever is happening inside**

She almost felt like staying there forever as if she had just realized how much the place sounded familiar and warm, perfect somehow. She needed comfort and the weight of references, the slightest detail that would make her feel fine and safe. Something would happen the following day, a real change; no matter it worked or not, her existence would never be the same anymore and all of a sudden it scared her. She scanned the room slowly, meticulously before letting a sigh of satisfaction escape from her lips; stretching out her arms, smiling brightly. The night had fallen over New York for quite a while and from the window of the office, a multitude of lights seemed to be dancing among the stars. It owned a peculiar magic that she regretted not to have witnessed earlier. She always left in the middle of the afternoon if she came there at all. She narrowed her eyes, closed them and enjoyed the first hours of the night.

"Are you high or something?"

"Shut up and don't break the spell, Adler."

"Why are you still here anyway? It's late; you can come back home."

"I won't be here tomorrow…"

"I know. By the way you promised me that you wouldn't kill Will on the road to Philadelphia."

He had found the lie; she had just nodded, vaguely ashamed that he had dared to do such a thing just to protect her stupid whims. She could make up stories without any problem or any guilty but the fact that her friends got into it too just for her was slightly disturbing. She had really felt bad but against all her expectations her heart hadn't broken into pieces and she had just remained happy; an important meeting for Walker Inc. was convincing. She almost could thank Stanley for his so precious legacy. She laughed at Grace's words and looked down, smiling evasively.

"I promise I won't, honey; and you know why?"

The interior designer frowned, chewing on her pencil; then shook her head.

"I won't because I don't feel like driving."

She had got the call three days earlier. On the six studies the scientist had worked on, two had turned successful and she could get the artificial insemination as soon as she wanted. She had told Will immediately about it, her eyes sparkling through an unbelievable hopeful flame. For the very first time she had the feeling that the situation might lead somewher and she was so happy.

She stepped out of the bathroom and made a face of total disgust, staring at the robe she had just put on. What was this fabric again? It looked like an odd fusion of synthetic and another inflammable product she didn't dare to name. Will laughed heartedly; she scoffed.

"Don't make fun of me, Wilma. I mean it! I can't believe they obliged me to put on this thing. I'm going to be sick."

With precaution she grabbed the back of the robe in order to hide at the most some part of her body and sat down on the bed in what was supposed to look like a perfect and controlled position. She yawned and clasped her tongue. She hadn't managed to fall asleep the night before and her eyes were now burning her pupils in exhaustion. A soft silence seemed to spread over the room and she smiled nervously at her friend. He came closer with awkwardness and pressed her hand.

"Are you alright, ready to copulate with Mister fifty-five?"

"Oh God, honey… Tell me I'm able to raise a kid and so that all this isn't pure bullshit from me. This wouldn't be the first time, you know."

It looked dark and microscopic but extremely intimate too. She glanced at Will who was as pale as a Kleenex. He had insisted to stay next to her all along the procedure; she knew it wouldn't be a good idea. He didn't have to look down and anyway her awful robe had at least the credit to cover everything but still: getting an artificial insemination right in front of someone's eyes changed radically a lot of things. She would probably feel closer to him than ever and at the same time they might need some time before looking at each other in the eye again. It had gone very far, very quickly. She would have never thought that one day she would show her ovaries to a man she hadn't even slept with; and that this man would be Will.

"And we are done."

Karen looked at Doctor Hazel in disbelief. It hadn't lasted more than twenty seconds.

"Wait, are you kidding?"

"No; you are presently carrying on two wonderfully well developed…"

"But it went so fast!"

The scientist laughed and left the room for a couple of minutes. The millionaire looked at Will with some disappointment in her eyes. He frowned.

"What's happening? Aren't you happy?"

"I didn't feel anything… I thought it would last longer."

He leaned over, planted a kiss on her forehead and nodded; caressing her hair with care.

"Yeah, you have no idea how many women say that every day."

She giggled and rolled her eyes before looking down and passing a hand over her lower stomach.

"What if it doesn't work out, Will?"

"Then you will go fir it again; that's all. Don't you remember what you told me once? You don't renounce easily."

He could have lied to her and said that it would work; that there was no reason for it to fail. He had chosen to be sincere and she liked it.

"I guess I'm kind of scared, Will."

She looked up at him and let a timid smile play on her lips. The attorney took her in his arms and hugged her tightly. He felt her breath against his ear and couldn't help shivering before bursting out laughing as his friend's words brushed him.

"I need Mister Banjo, honey."


	11. A shrieking sound in the night

**A shrieking sound in the night**

Life sounded bright; almost too easy to reach all of a sudden. From the gray of the sky to the dirt asphalt, everything seemed to own a peculiar light of purity and hope. Whenever she stepped out of her building, she couldn't help looking up and smile; filling her lungs with the sweet taste of her own happiness. She felt like speaking, saying out loud that she might have got it, at last, but a veil of reality nonetheless prevented her from doing it and she apologized silently in front of her friends. _One day, I will._ She had been inseminated three days before and the slightest idea that she might be expecting a baby now was enough to set off a whole wave of shivers along her spine and make her excitement twirl around in her stomach. The day she had come back from the clinic, she had spent the night with Will; speaking. They had sat in front of the fireplace of her flat and he hadn't left before the early hours of the morning then she had headed to the bathroom; sighed of satisfaction as the hot water of the bath had wrapped up softly her precious body. She had felt alive in spite of the shadows over her soul for loving so much being with him. It was wrong and time to go on, on her own, without him, before it being too late and she might regret it.

She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and bit her lower lip; absorbed in the contemplation of the window store. It was so small; so lovely. The blue navy velvet had a fine red line embroidered in a wavy path of little clouds. Hands in the pockets of her coat, she stared at it through the drops of snow falling in front of her eyes and swore to herself that it was the most beautiful dress she had ever seen. Her feet started a step forward and she was about to push the doors of the store when her mind won over her whims and she frowned before going away. Why would she buy baby clothes when she wasn't even sure that the artificial insemination had worked out? Tears burnt her pupils and so she winced, trying to push aside the images of the nursery she had ordered for the penthouse. Wasn't that enough? She should have known better than to abdicate under such ridiculous impulsions that could end up breaking her soul into pieces of ice; like the last time. A wave of nausea made her gasp; she speeded up her pace and finally arrived at the office, almost relieved and safe. Grace hadn't arrived yet unless she had already left for some meeting. Taking off her coat, Karen glanced at her friend's desk. The sketch of a baby room had been abandoned there, half-done. Her eyes ran over the pale and sage colors; purple, green, a light blue of a winter sky. She opened widely her mouth and flashed a bright smile. She loved it.

Everything was going so smoothly. Should she have seen a sign through it? Her scientist had told her that buying a test so early would be pointless for resulting negative. If it went fine then she would go to the clinic and have blood ones that were definitely more effective. Of course she had disobeyed and she was now staring blankly at the box resting on the table of the living room, alone on a cold Friday evening. She hadn't thought about it twice but now that the boiling life of New York had stayed outside and she was facing the quietness of her home, it didn't feel that right. She tended a shaking hand to grab it but renounced, for whatever reason; then headed to the bathroom.

There was nothing on television but he had promised Grace that they would spend the evening together to share some cuddling moment. The phone rang; Will picked it up and frowned. All he could hear was some sobs.

"Who is it?"

Before his growing curiosity, the attorney stood up and began to pace the room.

"I need you, honey…"

His heart stopped beating within a second as he recognized her voice. She seemed so far; already lost somehow.

"Where are you, Karen?"

"I'm in the bathroom."

Fifteen minutes later he rushed in her flat and found her huddled up against herself against the toilets, sobbing; looking blankly in front of her at life passing by sharply. He squatted down and slowly approached his hand to her forearm, leaning over to lock his eyes with hers.

"Are you bleeding?"

She shook her head; bit her lower lip.

Even the emergency room of the private clinic was full this evening but according to the suspicion, Karen didn't have to wait and found herself very soon with Doctor Hazel; Will standing on her side with awkwardness. Feeling so useless almost made him feel ashamed.

"Okay so you haven't bled yet but you lost 'something' while going to the toilets…"

The dark-haired woman nodded. She had stopped crying and was doing her best to look brave and detached but her red and puffy eyes didn't match at all with her artificial behavior and it made it all lame.

"Then we're going to look at it with a ultra-sound picture… You can wait in the corridor, Will."

"No, I want him to be here."

"I don't really mind… The fact is that I might go into a GYN exam then and proceed to some manipulations that Mister Truman wouldn't like to witness."

It took Karen aback and she looked at her friend with an obvious embarrassment. She didn't want to be alone but couldn't impose that to him either. After a couple of seconds he shook his head; then shrugged.

"It's okay. I'm going to stay."

Mary Hazel turned on the screen and spread the thick liquid on the millionaire's stomach before studying the blurry image with attention. Very slowly she passed her tongue over her lips and cleared her voice. The silence was oppressive, punctuated from time to time by the beeps of thousand machines; some stifled steps going away behind the door. She looked at Karen; the screen turned dark.

"I'm sorry…"

For some reason she didn't cry, simply nodded and avoided Will's gaze.

"I'll be back in a minute or so to check that it's all gone as it's supposed to be."

She left; Karen frowned, staring in confusion at the screen. It was so quiet, empty and pointless. She shook her head as his hand pressed her shoulder and managed a forceful smile; a resigned one.

"I knew immediately that something wasn't right. That's life, honey…"


	12. Mein heir

**Mein heir**

Life went on through the bitterness of a game over. She hadn't won this time and the sky had become blue again, substituting quietly the night, the secret moan of her slight despair but the days simply passed by. She let the routine take her away in its monotone rhythm of basic gestures: waking up, eating, drinking, swallowing pills, getting injections and she kept on smiling. Just when she had thought that she might start coming to a normal existence made out hopes and desires, reality had slapped her in the face then sweetly murmured to her ear that it wasn't time for it yet. It was a failure and she saw it as one but she wasn't sure if it was worst to be powerless before it. Somehow the weight of responsibility had the credit to make you understand your pain and the way the situation had turned out. There she had nothing to be angry against and she couldn't even really feel guilty. Behind a series of laughter she buried her injuries and pretended to be fine but she didn't fool Will. It was too late; she had let him understand for too long now the silent machinery of her mind but she kept on lying in front of him though, in vain. It was just reassuring.

She thanked the winter though and the low temperatures that constituted a good excuse to hide her body. She didn't want to see it anymore. It had become a weight, an object of pure rejection for reminding her at every single second that something was wrong with her; something harsh. She pretended to be cold and so wore long scarves, sweaters and black ankle-length skirts. Neither Grace nor Jack noticed any difference for her feminine curves only adapting themselves with a peculiar elegance to her new wardrobe. It suited her very well; she thought she was rather safe. And Will looked down, not knowing what to say or do. She hadn't stayed at the clinic more than a mere hour the night she had had the miscarriage; if miscarriage could it be speaking about. She had been shivering and stayed quiet, staring blankly in front of her with a pale light of distress in her eyes. He had opened the door of her flat; she had sat down on the couch and vaguely leaned on it but when he had tried to take her in his arms, she had simply shaken her head.

"Don't touch me."

So he had put on her shoulders a blanket before sitting down on an armchair and let the hours pass by until the sun had begun to warm up the sky and she had finally closed her eyes.

She would have never said it out loud but she loved the way her hair fell into light curls in such a perfect motion. She envied her for that and how the sun seemed to capture its light. Hers always looked tern. She put down the hairbrush and smiled at Grace's reflection in the mirror, observing with an obvious delight the result. The interior designer owned a particular beauty, a delicate one but nobody had taught her how to highlight it properly.

"We're done, honey."

She felt like she was back to her teenager years when she used to spend so much time with so-called friends that she would never see again once her mother would have decided that it was time to go away and start a new life. But right now she was the one who took the decisions and so she could enjoy it at the most, with people who really mattered to her heart.

"Are you okay, Karen? You've been acting different, lately; as if you were… I don't know. Have you met someone?"

She hid a bitter smile and kept for herself that it was the exact opposite and that she had just lost someone; somehow.

"Who is this guy you're thinking about? It bothers you; I can see it."

She locked her eyes with Grace's and frowned, taken aback by the vivacity and so quiet observation of her friend. Had she ever really fooled anyone? She grabbed her glass of red wine and took a sip; then shrugged.

"He's nobody in particular."

_Anyway I'm dead inside; I stopped fantasizing for quite a while, now._

"Then I hope that one day he will make you flash one of those bright smiles we're all missing around."

The red-haired woman blushed before the boldness of her own remark.

She recognized the logo of Barney's and the deep red color of the lingerie section with the golden ribbon on the top of the box. She looked at Will in disbelief, frowning before what she thought was an odd joke or a complete misunderstanding. He didn't say a word, just pointed at the present and motioned for her to open it; which she finally did. Her fingers moved out the cream tissue paper and brushed the delicate silk of a dark green negligée. She felt the heat rush to her cheeks and her voice beginning to shake uncontrollably as she took it off the box and contemplated it. It was a beautiful one, ankle-length, with a perfect design; probably Italian.

"Do you like it?"

It was also extremely sexy. She nonetheless nodded, raising her eyebrows; not knowing what to say exactly.

"Yeah; yes I do. It's…"

"I want you to put it on."

"Excuse me?"

"I want you to put it on, now. I want to see you in it and so you will realize that you have absolutely nothing to hide."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, vaguely annoyed.

"It's not so easy, Will."

"Do it though; for me."

She passed back the door of her bedroom and walked timidly towards her friend. Her heart was pounding loud as if she was on the verge to lose her virginity again; she felt stupid. She took a deep breath and turned around, arms in the air then put a hand on her hip and pouted.

"Are you satisfied?"

"It suits you very well. Now tell me you're going to drop out all those scarves of yours. It is extremely gloomy."

"I will try to make an effort."

She sat down on the couch and slowly passed her hand along his nape; then leaned over to capture his lips in a thankful kiss. Perhaps she felt lonely or scared and so she needed something to get her reassured; it sounded ideal. She didn't break apart and carefully let her tongue brush his lips until he responded and they deepened the kiss. It wasn't the first time they did such a thing; getting closer while their mouths joined in perfect fusion of stifled desire and shameful hope. Why did it sound so different with him? She didn't even wonder about it with Jack so why with Will? She was frankly kissing him now, releasing her restraint, abandoning herself until his hand slid on her waist and she started crying. Her tears made their way to their lips and subtly got mixed to their intertwined tongues. She broke apart; he looked confused, not before the kiss, it was just a kiss, wasn't it?

"Why are you crying?"

"It hurts, honey."

She swept away a tear with the back of her hand but burst into cries as he took her in his arms for a desperate hug; her heart crying out loud its confusion before the blurry springs of her pain. She wasn't sure for once that she actually wept for her medical condition or the simple fact she was too close to him.


	13. This is my life

**This is my life**

She started leafing through the repertory of donators one more time with this complete strangeness supposed to determine her choice that had to be a new one. She didn't have the rights to keep on with the same, basing this decision on the fact that as it hadn't worked out the first time, it would be better and maybe a bit more hopeful too to settle down her choice over someone else. This clause had made her smile and raise her eyebrows, surprised before such archaism that had managed, Lord knew how, to remain through the flagrant progresses of science and its Cartesian mind. They let a part of it to superstition, some vague idea still clutched to old sayings. She closed her eyes, sighed; rubbing her nape. Stuck; she was stuck and dying for a cigarette while she couldn't even remember the last time she had lit one. Grace rushed in and she grabbed immediately some magazine to hide the file of the clinic and pretended to be plunged into some superficial but nonetheless interesting article.

"Do you have some plans for tonight, Karen?"

The millionaire looked up and shook her head slowly, wondering what her friend could be thinking about to ask her such question. To be completely honest, she wasn't in the mood for some night between girls. As a matter of fact she wanted to be alone and spend all those long hours doing nothing but staring at the ceiling of her bedroom getting as dark as her last thoughts; as troubled as her heart. Facing herself was harsh and bare but still better than all the energy that lying required.

"Good; I had lunch with Will and apparently he needs to see you tonight. He should call you within…"

The phone rang at this exact moment which made them both jump, surprised. Karen picked it up and accepted the attorney's deal, too tired to argue, breaking into pieces the promise she had made to herself about him: getting some distance and forget him for once and for all. Their relationship was taking a way that she didn't like that much. It was troubling when it shouldn't have been.

He would stop by around eight so in the meantime she had a shower and put on some black dress; she still hadn't completely renounced to dark clothes even though this one let show a large part of her cleavage. Her smile froze but she actually preferred that. The attorney had just arrived from the office and he was holding Chinese take-outs. Obviously he was planning to stay at her flat and not to go to some restaurant but realizing all of a sudden Karen's outfit, he blushed and felt stupid.

"Oh I'm sorry I thought we would…"

She took off her heels and flashed him a bright smile, grabbing out of his hands the food.

"Honestly I didn't feel like going out so I'm glad you thought about take-outs. It didn't even cross my mind…"

Had he drunk too much wine? She felt dizzy herself, giggling ridiculously at every single word he could say and she was hot as if the flames of the fireplace were all of a sudden a bit too strong unless she was too close to them. But she kept on emptying glass after glass; her lips adopting the purple shades of red wine and her eyes beginning to sparkle in the smoothness of the evening. She had to recognize that she was fine with him, felt secured and cared about. The inevitable subject over her next artificial insemination ended up coming out. She looked down; he grabbed her hand, playing with her fingertips.

"Have you chosen someone yet?"

As a matter of fact she was almost thinking about give it up. Her motivation was dying slowly before the evidence of a too flagrant truth. She was sterile, or almost and the first insemination had failed so why did she go on? She should try to calm her ardor and accept the fact that she simply couldn't get every single thing she wanted in her life.

"No, not yet; anyway I still have like two weeks of treatment before knowing if I'm biologically not unfit. And if it's the case then I will still have a week or so to know if the chosen ovaries hadn't rejected the donator's sperm."

"You sound pessimistic."

"I'm a bit pissed off, that's all."

"There's something I want to talk to you about. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and… I don't know. Perhaps it's stupid and I should keep it for myself but I guess I should give it a try."

"What is it, honey?"

"Grace and I renounced because we thought it wasn't right for the two of us but I still want to have a child."

Her heart began to beat quicker and the smile that had been playing on her lips until now slowly vanished in a mock of total disbelief. It didn't discourage him though and so he went on.

"So I would like to know if you would accept to carry on my child. Even Doctor Hazel suggested it and she might be right, Karen. Think about it. We would both realize our parental dream and…"

She winced and stayed silent for a couple of seconds, her hand still holding tight her glass of wine.

"So you would be ready to have a child with me, with all the implications it means like education and all the rest?"

Her voice was slightly shaking. She didn't know what to think about it. Somehow it sounded reassuring and even though a bit complex, unusual, still a warm idea.

"Have you ever thought about Jack and Grace? What are you going to say to them?"

"I will say them that this is my life and I would appreciate, for them being important to me, that they support my choice. I can't oblige them to though so it's up to them but it won't make me change my opinion about it."

"You won't let me down, will you? Oh God… I don't know, Will. It's… Okay; let's go for it. But please accept my apologies if it never works out."

His fingers caressed her cheek; she smiled at him, confused before what looked like the weirdest decision of her existence but the worst of all was that she didn't regret it the least. With a deliberate stubbornness she swept away the merest idea of distance towards her friend. Obviously her life was mean to be related to Will's; no matter how.


	14. And I would shiver in your arms

**And I would shiver in your arms**

They sat down and looked at Mary Hazel with a slight embarrassment like a couple of children in front of their parents after having broken an old vase. They had taken their decision. It was crazy, completely unexpected and maybe wrong but something kept on telling them that they should nonetheless give it a try and so they were there on a Saturday afternoon, settling down a mutual parenthood. She would have never thought that it would happen one day; that a complete stranger who would have evolved as her friend, would might be the father of her child and they would adapt themselves to give the baby an ounce of happiness into such clumsy life. It had nothing to do with fairytales. Why did we keep on nourishing the next generation's minds of lovely pink stories, so smooth, when what occurred then in life didn't find any reflect in them? The scientist smiled and closed Karen's file.

"This is the best decision you have ever taken. It might still sound weird but you won't regret it. Now there is something I would like to add. Please, don't judge me for what I'm about to say to you; this is just a suggestion, okay? I've been working here for twenty-years so I had plenty of time to see some things happen and as much as I can't explain it, I can't either deny it. That's why I always speak about it when the donator isn't anonymous. Your last results have turned positive Karen so of course, we're going to work on the insemination with Will's sperm but in the meantime… You should try the old-fashioned way."

The dark-haired woman choked on the glass of water she was drinking and coughed loudly as Will began to move nervously on his seat. Was it a joke? Was there some hidden camera?

"I know you two are friends and I suppose you have never thought about it but…"

"I'm 95 per cent sterile so tell me how I could get pregnant while simply having my way with a man. I don't understand. If it can work naturally, why am I going through all this long and painful treatment? It doesn't make sense to me!"

"There's still 5 per cent left, Karen. As I told you I can't explain it but it already happened. It's rare; a sort of miracle, somehow. Don't be mad at me for it. Just think of how much you want to have a baby and how far you're ready to go for it."

They left the clinic in silence, avoiding each other's gaze. The events were getting an extremely unusual way and it was harder and harder to deal with it. They turned on their left and walked up Broadway with a reasonable distance between the two of them. While looking at a window store, Karen caught up their reflection; the blurry figures of their lonely bodies. Having erotic dreams about a friend was a thing but crossing the lines and sleeping with him had a whole different meaning. She thought about Grace and the way it hadn't worked at all with Will when they had tried to do it. _It was like having sex with my brother; disgusting. _She remembered perfectly her friend's words when she had asked about the reason why they had renounced. Would it be the same if they found themselves alone in a bedroom? The story gets repeated sometimes.

They finally arrived at the door of her building. She turned around and took a deep breath before locking her eyes with his; then smiled shyly.

"When are you ovulating?"

The question took her aback and she scoffed as her brain was analyzing the real meaning of his remark. She raised her eyebrows and cleared her voice.

"I started this morning so technically I still have two days left, maybe more. I'm not sure."

"Then we can sleep together now."

An old lady passed next to them and looked at Will in disbelief before speeding up her pace which made Karen look down and smile. She bit her lower lip and shook her head.

"Are you serious? You want to have sex with me?"

"To be honest I'm terrified but I would do anything so that we get this baby."

She narrowed her eyes at him and pushed away from her face a strand of hair. The weather was sunny but windy.

"Then you can come over at nine."

He nodded and began to go away but she stopped him, a hand on his arm.

"Why did you say that you were terrified?"

"The last time I slept with a woman it didn't go that well. I don't want to disappoint you as I did with Diane."

She spent the rest of the day shaving her legs, providing new sheets for the bed and most of all, trying to calm the fury of her heartbeats. His last comment had been cute but had involuntarily set off a wave of panic in her head. What were they about to do? She felt like she was driving some luxurious racing car but had lost all of a sudden the mere knowledge about the way it worked. She had lost control and was slowly sliding along her loss. The night fell over the city and before realizing what was happening, she was standing in front of him in the darkness of her bedroom; her mattress caressing coldly her ankles. They hadn't had diner; anyway she wasn't hungry. He had brought a bottle of wine but even alcohol didn't sound tempting so they had gone straight to the other room in a perfect and so awkward silence. She hadn't turned the lights on; the pale shades of the moon were enough and less intimidating besides. She took off her high heels and stared at him, not daring to move. He stayed perfectly still too.

Very slowly her hand moved towards him and she couldn't help but jump as her fingers made contact with his. He had had the same idea. The heat of his skin reassured her and so she leaned over; he captured her lips. The kiss was soft, almost chaste but very soon she found herself before the realization that she wanted more and so she deepened it with precaution as his hands slid on her lower back and she passed hers around his neck. They got taken away by a logical boldness but her fingers began to shake as she passed them under his shirt, brushing his bare stomach. She nonetheless took the clothes off; he got rid of her own top, unzipped her skirt that fell down in silence on the floor. She tried to concentrate on a far point in the background as she unbuttoned his jeans then locked her eyes with his, trying to hide her half-naked body. She had put on weight a little; it was Will. She didn't need anything more to feel intimidated. Her lips found back his and she led him to the bed where she laid under him. As long as they kissed, things seemed to be okay and go smoothly. She lifted her leg up in the air before making it land softly on his, caressing with her toes his skin. He moaned in her mouth and his hand went down slowly along her hip.

They broke apart and she closed her eyes as he drew a path of kisses along her neck, going down to her chest. He unhooked her bra with a disturbing facility and took it off, vaguely looking at a part of his friend's body he hadn't had the occasion to see until now. But very soon his lips found back the warmness of her skin as he multiplied his caresses along her legs. For a couple of seconds he forgot that he was with Karen and simply enjoyed the way her fingers were going through his hair; how her feet were brushing his legs. It was rather exciting. It went very well until his tongue began to play with her bare stomach and his fingertips slowly slid underneath her tong. And then he realized what he was about to do; to take off to be more precise. His ministrations had made her arch her back and she couldn't have help but let a stifled moan escape. He froze but swallowed back the messages coming from his mind as he made her underwear slide to her feet. A quick glance at the most intimate part of her anatomy and his kisses went up her legs; caressing her inner thighs with certain ability and excitement even though he kept on wondering if she had felt his moment of doubts and how she was actually experiencing the situation. Was she as confused as him, a bit embarrassed?

She passed on top of him and went down slowly; enjoying the heat of someone against her. It had been so long since the last time that she had almost forgotten it; how good it could be. She had thanked herself for not having turned on the lights especially when he had taken off her underwear. At least he couldn't have seen the red on her cheeks and her eyes, fixed on the ceiling, unable to look down at him. She had relaxed then under his caresses, succumbing to them like in her fantasies. It tasted of déjà-vu but with the bright awkwardness of reality and made it all better; unique. She faced the same problem as his when she brushed his boxers and came to this point when the next gesture would be to take them off. This was Will; Wilma, her friend. She had never seen him naked and even less caressed him so intimately just to get him excited; making her own naked body brush his all along in a sensual movement. Very carefully she released him from his underwear, not daring to look properly at his masculine anatomy even though she had had a furtive idea of the evolution of the situation while getting rid off the cotton piece of clothing. Her fingertips travelled on his inner thighs as she kissed his knees. His hand grabbed her neck in a motion of pleasure. At least it still worked better than what she had been dreading.

She came back to his mouth and rolled on her side. She didn't want to be on top of him. As a matter of fact she was dying for full-contact; the weight of his chest against her, the heat of his legs on her inner thighs, his arms around her. They kissed, caressed, slowing down the inevitable of an imminent closeness. Leaning on his elbows, he locked his eyes with hers. They were breathless, swollen lips of desire; confused minds before their sensations. And then he leaned over for a deep kiss as she passed her legs around his waist and sighed in his mouth under his first thrusts; gentle ones, soft but nonetheless effective. His lips moved on her neck as her breath became louder and her legs weaker. It seemed that New York had ceased to speak to look after their hearts and the inaudible moans mixed with a couple of sighs; the increasing feeling boiling in their stomachs and the effusions of their kisses, shorter, deeper, anarchist. She pressed her hand on his lower back in the intensity of their movements and bit her lower lip as his fingers were going all along her legs; his lips against her breasts. She felt it grow, little by little under the acceleration of her heartbeats and all of a sudden it spread all over her body; a strong wave of warmness, an uncontrollable shivering in the depths of his arms and a long, low moan in his mouth before his last thrusts accompanying a dizzying kiss under her ear. He kissed her lips back, looking for air in her own lungs then broke apart and leaned against her bare shoulder as her hand caressed his hair; her chest hitting against his.

The weirdness of the moment came back very quickly as he took some distance with her body; not knowing where to look. She also avoided his gaze; anyway she always did in such moment. It was delicate, almost too intimate to be shared. She felt someone else's body leave her, how could she manage to look at this person straight in the eyes? It only lasted a couple of seconds, just the required time and then, next to each other, both lovers finally dared a glance; a smile, an eternal embrace in the slow comeback to a lovely night. She felt him move next to her and so she turned her face; he was sitting up, about to get up. Her hand grabbed his forearm; he looked at her in the clear darkness of the room. She shrugged.

"I don't like waking up alone in the morning; as if I wasn't worth their presence under the light of the day. Don't leave now, please."

He laid back and took her in his arms. How could she love the sweetness of those moments like the return of the calm after the tempest. And then she closed her eyes, falling asleep.


	15. Rush hours

**Rush hours**

She winced at the sun passing through the window and rubbed her eyes slowly before opening them. She turned around almost instinctively to check the alarm o'clock but she found herself facing Will who had woken up as well. A sleepy smile played on her lips; she restrained a yawn. It was so weird to emerge from her dreams in the same bed as him; surreal somehow. He leaned on his side and stared at her in silence. Obviously he wasn't a morning person either and needed long minutes of rest before getting back the day-to-day gestures. She couldn't help but blush when she realized that she was still naked; her hand grabbed the duvet more tightly.

"Good morning, Wilma."

The attorney stifled a laugh at the sound of her low and hoarse voice. It didn't match at all with the high-pitched tone he had got to know until then.

"How are you?"

She simply nodded and kept on smiling at him. To be completely honest, she didn't know what to do: getting up completely naked in front of him or beginning to speak? She passed her tongue over her lips and frowned.

"You know about last night, you didn't disappoint me at all."

She thought about Diane and her friend's obvious and logical anxiety in front of the idea it might turn out to be another fiasco. Perhaps it sounded ridiculous to say it out loud but she felt like reassuring him.

"It was very well, honey."

He didn't reply and for a brief moment she wondered if it had been okay for him too. After all he wasn't attracted by women as she was by men; there was a huge difference. She was about to add something when his hand on her bare waist made her jump; he froze. She locked her eyes with his and waited desperately for an explanation to this vaguely bold movement from him. He blushed and started wincing, obviously embarrassed.

"I'm sorry… I was just thinking that you were probably still… Well you know."

She raised her eyebrows. His words were confusing and she wasn't sure she did get it correctly.

"You're still ovulating…"

He cleared his voice and looked aside. That was unexpected. It hadn't even crossed her mind that they might do it several times; especially under a full-day light. Very slowly she laid on her back, her eyes still locked with his; then nodded quietly, waiting for his next move. They wouldn't be able to cheat this time, to hide themselves in the darkness of the night and comfort then the intimidation of their acts. Her heart speeded up its pace as his hand travelled up from her lower stomach to her neck; his palm caressing her breasts softly. She put her arms around him as he passed on top of her and they kissed.

"I'm sorry but I had to stop drinking coffee. It made me sick with the treatment. Do you want some tea?"

Will nodded and looked at the dark-haired woman prepare the drink. An awkward sensation was floating over them since they had got up. They hadn't closed their eyes or avoided gazes this time as if their caresses had found out a bolder freedom in the paroxysm of their feelings. They drank in silence until the attorney put down his mug and announced that he should leave.

"Sure, honey; I have plenty of things to do anyway."

That wasn't true at all but what could she have said? She looked at him and smiled then leaned over; for a hug, a kiss. She wasn't sure until her lips brushed his but the door suddenly flew open and Rosario came in. They broke apart and he rushed out.

"I am here for your laundry. Do I have to change the sheets, Miss Karen?"

She winced and looked at the Salvadorian woman in disbelief, taken aback. Without waiting for an answer, the maid went straight to the bedroom and reappeared a few seconds later with a pile of sheets. She had seen Will but obviously his presence hadn't troubled her the least. After all it was eleven in the morning; he could have stopped by, for whatever reason, no matter she was only wearing an ankle-length cardigan in mohair. Rosario headed to the bathroom to put them in the washing-machine but kept on speaking.

"Has your mother never told you to change the sheets after doing some dirty things?"

Someone knocked on the door and she looked at it blankly. What was happening all of a sudden? How come the minute before the place was so quiet, so intimate and restful while now people were coming and going like in a bad vaudeville? She opened and couldn't help but gasp as she faced Olivia.

"Damn, what are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you. This is about sex."

"Excuse me?"

The teenager sat down timidly on the couch and waved good-bye at Rosario as the maid left fifteen minutes later. Karen sat down next to her, clutched to her mug of tea. She should add some whisky to it. It wasn't even noon yet and the day seemed to be very long. Her bare feet brushed the fabric of the couch as she settled her legs under her, adjusting her cardigan over her naked body to avoid any malfunction. Would she ever be able to have a shower before the night falling back over New York? She was supposed to have a brunch with Grace, Jack and Will. The interior designer had called her fives minutes ago. She cleared her voice and frowned.

"So what's happening that you come to me? Can't your mother answer your questions about it?"

"I don't trust her."

"But you trust me?"

She hadn't meant to say it out loud but the incredulity of the realization had hit her unexpectedly. Olivia shrugged.

"I don't know… Let's say you probably know a lot more about it."

Karen swallowed back the slight insinuation that she might be considered as a whore by her ex step-daughter and waited patiently for the inevitable explanation.

"I have a boyfriend. His name is Jim; he's nice and all. Lately we have been talking about the fact we might do it but… I don't know."

A wave of quietness suddenly spread over her heart and she relaxed; smiled softly while putting down her mug on the coffee table. She had never had this conversation with her mother. Their relation was so tempestuous that she had done it all in her back. She would have loved though sharing her fears and her joys of her first time with Lois.

"How long have you been together for?"

"It's been six months or so. We do really care about each other and he doesn't put any kind of pressure on me. Yes, he's really nice and attentive."

"It looks like he is. You're lucky. What do you want to know exactly? I can't decide upon it for you because this is your life and one of the most important decisions you have to take by yourself."

"I'm going to turn seventeen."

"In January, yes; I know."

Olivia looked at Karen with an obvious astonished face but let it go.

"How old were you? Do you think I'm too young?"

"I was… I was very young. I was fourteen years old."

"You slept with your boyfriend at fourteen?"

For some reason images of her secret intimacy with Will rushed to her mind and she felt back the heat of his body against hers; the softness of his lips on her skin.

"He wasn't my boyfriend but my teacher."

Before Stanley's daughter's obvious shock, the millionaire shook her head and tried a reassuring smile; an apologetic one.

"I didn't have the chance to go to decent schools. Well, ironically this one was the best of all of them and this teacher even got a rather successful career then but…"

"Do you regret it?"

"I regret it as I regret every single time I had sex without any feeling towards my partner."

She bit the inside of her mouth and frowned before the wrong evidence that it was the reason why she would never be able to regret her night with Will.


	16. Whatever happened that night

**Whatever happened that night**

She washed her hands, looked up at Grace and felt bad. Would she ever happen to know one day, that she had slept with Will, twice besides? A radiant smile was playing on the interior designer's lips; she seemed to be happy. A woman stepped out of the restroom in a common silence. Her eyes followed her until she got lost in the contemplation of the marble floor.

"You will never guess what happened this morning."

The remark took her aback. She vaguely became livid and preferred to hide her shaking hands in her back; then shrugged, biting her lips in a mock of innocence. Grace smirked and looked around as if she wanted to be sure that the words she was about to say out loud would remain safe between the walls of the restroom of the cozy restaurant.

"Will spent the night out; the whole night, I mean. He didn't come back until this morning."

"So our dear Wilma has a sexual life? That calls for a celebration, honey. I really thought he would end up reading Barbara Cartland collection in the heights of some monastery."

Why was it so easy to make up a lie? It probably came along with the seriousness of the fault we were trying to hide. She let a laugh escape from her lips; a perfect one, subtly balancing between pure mockery and delight. Then the path of his hand along her neck while she had been shivering in his arms started burning her skin and she leaned against the counter.

"I wonder how he is in bed; what kind of lover he can be."

"He's probably the gay lover type, honey; as gay as Halloween. This isn't big deal."

"Why, you're not curious?"

Karen shrugged. She would have died if she had had to speak about the way the attorney had made love to her that night. She always ended up giggling, completely embarrassed as soon as such details of her personal life were put in the front row and people seemed to be delighted by the descriptions she nonetheless gave. She might even have a slight tendency to emphasize it all when she saw their eyes devouring her words. They wouldn't pay attention at all if she recognized that she wasn't bolder than anyone.

"I suppose he's a good lover, Gracie."

"His relationships don't last very long though."

"Do I have to understand that, according to your own love life, you suck in bed?"

The red-haired woman pouted; good point.

"Come on, I'm hungry."

They left the restroom and went back to the table. She meticulously avoided long gazes towards him even though she appreciated the fact that it wasn't a face-to-face. She dreaded the first one that would follow the night; their night. The truth was that Will had made her feel alive; and desired. Once the awkwardness of the situation had been discarded, she had been able to enjoy his caresses and the delicacy of his ministrations. He had been a very good lover; if not the best one she had ever had. They hadn't played any role and let their weaknesses appear, making it all brighter, more sincere and touching. It hadn't been casual sex or a demonstration of their abilities but a logical succession of feelings and yes; she looked at her friends and smiled. She had wanted him.

"Olivia stopped by this morning."

The remark made them all stared at her in disbelief. She had never really been close to Stanley's children; to any child to be exact. She took a sip of her orange juice and proceeded to cut a pancake in a decorative motion of modern art.

"The lovely girl has changed. I guess she misses her father though."

"She told you about it?"

"No; this is just a feeling."

_As I miss my dad, you know. _Of course she didn't say it out loud. It was a thought that would remain quiet, like so many others. She bit into her pancake, waiting for the next topic of conversation. She didn't even really know why she had spoken about Olivia in the first place; just to fill the silence? She refused to recognize that she gave to the visit a semblance of importance; no matter how true it was.

"By the way, Karen, I know it's Sunday and speaking about work isn't welcome if it's ever welcome but I need you at the office tomorrow morning. My client for the nursery room has to come over and there will be plenty of stuff to do like assisting me in the showing. You know, one of the reasons I hired you in the first place."

She nodded and grabbed her mug of tea, vaguely looking at her friend.

"What's her name again, honey?"

"It's Mary Hazel. She's a scientist, working for some clinic specialized in artificial insemination."

She couldn't help but choke on her hot beverage as Will began to move nervously on his seat; suddenly extremely pale. It had to be a joke; it couldn't be a mere coincidence and even less two scientists sharing the same name in New York. Manhattan was big, after all... Her smile froze on her lips. She hissed.

"Then I may not be here."

"Excuse me? What is that, a new way to arrange your schedule? You're my assistant, Karen and I need you tomorrow morning so you will be here; period. Now let's speak about some juicy news."

Grace turned towards Will and raised her eyebrows.

"Now tell me where you have spent the night."

Jack who had stayed quiet until now nodded vigorously.

"Yes, she's right. I want to know about that."

The red-haired woman looked at him in disbelief. He hadn't been alone with Karen since she had told the millionaire about Will's nocturne escapade.

"How do you know about it?"

The actor giggled and shrugged.

"It's written all over his face. He had sex last night; like Karen."

Grace scoffed and looked now at the millionaire. How come everybody seemed to have this faculty and guess people's sexual activity but her? It was unfair. She bit her lower lip and made a face.

"Maybe but Karen being sexually active isn't big news. She just stays quiet over it; for whatever reason. And that's the main mystery; while Will… So whom did you sleep with?"

The attorney took a deep breath and weighed his words, preparing an effective reply.

"Well I had sex with Karen, of course."

The dark-haired woman restrained a moan of agony before rolling her eyes; playing all along the supposed stupidity of such announcement. It worked. Anyway Grace and Jack would have never believed that they would ever happen to do it. The interior designer sighed and abdicated.

"Okay Will but don't think you're safe. I will find about it."


	17. Destructuration

**Destructuration**

She pushed the door of the office and stumbled forward for no particular reason unless it was just the contrast between the strength of the snow storm outside and the peaceful atmosphere, so warm, of the building. She swore and threw her purse on a chair then proceeded to take off her coat under Grace's amused gaze. Since the very moment she had opened her eyes and realized that her alarm o'clock hadn't worked out, Karen had understood that the hours about to come were going to be long and extremely painful; in shorter terms, it wasn't her day at all. After having hung up her scarf that had been transformed into a poor hat to protect herself against the snowdrops, she rushed to the coffee maker only to realize that she had also forgotten to bring some tea and so she couldn't even enjoy some hot beverage now without feeling sick. She couldn't stand coffee anymore; that was a fact.

"Karen, don't tell me that the sun is blinding you today. It's as dark as in the evening."

Turning on her heels, the dark-haired woman shook her head. She had made brewed water; that was still a good way to warm up her icy hands. Grace sighed, obviously exasperated.

"Then why do you keep your sunglasses on?"

"I've been diagnosed with photosensitive epilepsy."

"That's probably why you spend most of your free time in The Bahamas. Now hurry up and take them off before our client arriving."

She frowned and bit her lower lip, embarrassed. She hadn't been able to find out about any other strategy to pass completely unnoticed in front of her scientist's eyes who of course had absolutely no idea that her artificial insemination desires were part of a very secretive life. She jumped though as she heard Mary Hazel come in and turned around; taking her glasses off. She knew this project was important for Grace; she couldn't mess it up like that and so she got resigned.

The interior designer was already speaking with the woman, preventing Karen from seeing her until she moved aside and the millionaire couldn't help but gasp. For a couple of seconds, a wave of surprise took possession of her mind but the ridiculousness of her attitude very quickly imposed itself as a pure evidence. The scientist was holding a six-month old baby in her arms and it had never crossed Karen's mind that Mary Hazel could actually be a mother; or better said, have the slightest ounce of life outside of the clinic. Smiling shyly, the dark-haired woman made a step forward, waiting for her demise.

"I suppose this is your assistant. Nice to meet you; I'm Mary Hazel."

Karen's eyes looked at the tended hand before shaking it warmly. She would never be able to thank her enough for that."

"I'm Karen Walker. Your daughter is cute."

"Thank you; by the way, as Grace is going to show me a couple of different fabrics and all, would you mind to look after her in the meantime?"

The interior designer swallowed back a scream of despair as the millionaire became livid. Her hands began to shake and her heart to pound louder. She was scared. Clearing her voice and frowning, she nonetheless managed a timid nod and took the baby in her arms very carefully as if the body contained a bomb susceptible to explode at any moment. She went back to her desk and sat, relaxing little by little as the little girl seemed to be fascinated by her nail varnish bottles. Grace stared at the scene in disbelief. Her friend's gestures weren't so awkward; she was pretty good at it, pushing away immediately the slightest potentially dangerous object out of the baby's reach.

"I didn't know you had a child…"

Karen caressed the baby's chin and smiled before settling on her seat. She had left the office for lunch time five minutes after the scientist's departure and had met her in the lobby of the building. As Grace wasn't there anymore, both women had decided to go to the restaurant together to have a more personal conversation; it looked like the two of them had things to confess now. Mary kissed her daughter's head.

"I'm not used to telling my private life to my patients, Karen."

"Especially in the sector you are working for… Introducing your motherhood to sterile women could be rather tactless."

"Yes and no; I had to go through the same patch as you before being able to get Zoe in my arms."

That was unexpected and Karen didn't hide her surprise before such announcement. The scientist raised her eyebrows and nodded, smiling.

"Isn't it ironic to find out about your own sterility when it's something you've been studying and working on for so long? At least I already knew the procedure and how hard it would be while being single. We feel desperately lonely, don't we?"

Karen didn't answer and went on. She was the interviewer, not the contrary.

"Did you choose another clinic? Because as a scientist, you meet the anonymous donators so this must be problematic…"

"I do believe the clinic I work for is a good one! I didn't go anywhere else. I simply chose a friend of mine…"

"Oh, I see. So that's why you tell us to never discard this possibility, isn't it? And may I ask, for obvious reasons that you already know, if this situation works out well now? It's pretty confusing; not very conventional. There's no guide about how to handle a semblance of family with this scheme…"

"As a matter of fact we married a month after Zoe's birth. It was unexpected but since when are we able to plan our feelings? To be completely honest, our child is a miracle, Karen; like the ones I told you about last Friday. Do you remember?"

She nodded and felt the red rush to her cheeks. It was pretty hard for her to forget about it if she had a look then at the events of the weekend.

"The insemination failed twice and so in a desperate act, we tried the other way, you know. I still don't understand it. I am a scientist; I have a Cartesian mind but the evidence is here today, in my arms. That's why you shouldn't discard the idea. How is Will by the way? I hope I didn't put the two of you in a troubling situation…"

Karen smiled brightly and was about to reply when she turned her face and looked at the passers-by in the street. As a child she had always thought that the heart was made out crystal and when people said it broke into pieces, she imagined the organ exploding in a thousand glimmering diamonds, transpiercing the veins, the arteries. That was probably why it hurt so much as it was doing right now to her own heart when she saw Will on the opposite sidewalk; holding some guy's arms, laughing loud.


	18. A piece of day

**A piece of day**

It only lasted a couple of seconds. A wave of deception, of painful realization; she couldn't have been able to tell but it just hurt for absolutely no reason. For not having owned the slightest thing in her childhood she was now extremely possessive, way too much. He had promised her a child, not his heart so it was fair that he kept on seeing other people. She simply couldn't prevent him from doing that; she had no rights over him and would never have. Perhaps she had just not imagined that he would turn the page so quickly over their night and that's why a wave of anger against herself spread all of a sudden for having dared to think about such confidentiality clauses. She came back home walking. She needed to think, to feel the wind hit her face; the sensation would prove her that she was still alive and hadn't died at the scene while blushing in front of Will's new flirt. He hadn't seen her; she had pretended the same and kept on talking with her scientist, concentrating on Zoe and the way the baby looked at her. She closed the door of her flat quietly, took off her coat and let herself fall down on the couch; staring blankly at the television that she hadn't turned on. The phone rang; she let it go and listened Jack's voice in the background. He had been cast for a play Off-off Broadway and needed her help for the décor.

The rest turned dark and fuzzy after a couple of glasses unless it was the whole bottle. She didn't take any pill though; just went to bed and woke up hopeful in the morning. He might have been walking in the streets with a client, a friend or a relative. She had imagined a thousand scenarios possible but in none of them Will was dating him. The drops of the shower caressed her face; she closed her eyes to enjoy them at the most. It was wrong; she shouldn't be thinking about her friend like that. There was a time she didn't care at all about his personal life. But she didn't really know him by then. It was his fault somehow. After all she wasn't the one who had come to her all of a sudden and provoked an unexpected closeness over a secret he had wanted to share. He had always made the first step; she had just followed. She bit her lower lip and clenched her fists. Why was she so proud not to recognize that Will would never be responsible of her own feelings?

"You look pale, Karen. Are you okay?"

"I'm a bit tired; that's all."

She grabbed a magazine and pretended to be fascinated by a stupid pseudo-psychological quiz about her personality. Grace didn't insist.

_You're impatient, nasty and self-centered. You don't care about people's feelings if you ever notice their presence at all. You think the world is made for you and everything has to be served to you on a silver platter. You're arrogant, distrustful and narrow-minded. Your high heels allow you a semblance of superiority over the rest of the crowd and you look at them with a delightful Machiavelism like a dog ready to bite the mailman. Congratulations, you're definitely a bitch but of course your self-esteem will make you scoff at the reading of this paragraph and you will end up tearing the page with rage before putting it in the blender._

Karen scoffed, obviously outraged, and began to tear the page until she realized the connivance between her act and the described attitude. She froze and looked all around as if to be sure that nobody had witnessed her bad and childish behavior then closed the magazine with great self-control. Will, Will, Will, Will, Will; the attorney was monopolizing her mind, slowing down the hours on the clock, making the day unbearable and her life ridiculous. Nobody but Grace Adler fell in love with gay men. She made a face and stifled a moan of despair. Had she really just used the expression "to fall in love"? She stood up, began to pace the room and grabbed a mug of green tea. The beverage was famous for its relaxing effects; it was all she needed, some tranquillizers and Will. Swearing between her teeth, she leaned her head against a wall and lightly hit the bricks in a motion of pure stupidity.

"Hell, have you lost your mind or you're completely high?"

She jumped, turned around and blushed while looking at Grace. The interior designer had just come back from lunch and obviously lost in her obsessive thoughts, the dark-haired woman hadn't heard her enter.

"Have you seen Will?"

"I had lunch with him, why? Is he your drug dealer?"

She laughed forcefully for not having any effective reply to give. She didn't even know why she had asked Grace that in the first place. She looked down; okay, it might sound relieving to hear his name escape from her lips after so many hours of hitting her brain as it had just done.

She came back home serene enough to overcome their first face-to-face since the last events of the weekend even though now that she knew he was dating another man, her perspectives had changed; her plans, whatever they actually were, reduced to an absolute zero. Obviously he only saw her as the eventual mother of his child so there was nothing to dread about. She sat at the table of the living room; then passed to the couch, the hardwood floor, the edge of the bathtub and the counter of the kitchen. Three hours passed by without Will coming in and smile at her as he used to. It warmed up her heart and she felt vaguely secure; knowing perfectly that the contracts for Walker Inc. were a mere excuse to back her up silently. Her hopes faded while the bitterness of stifled sobs tightened her throat when she realized that he would probably not come for their Tuesday evening. Her cell phone rang; she rushed and grabbed it.

_Sorry I can't come tonight. Till soon._

So it was that, to feel empty. A vague notion of coldness mixed with a subtle indifference towards breathing made your bones weigh too much and you started suffocating.

"Damn it!"

The rage went up to her lips and she shouted out loud her anger before her ridiculous feelings; then sighed, took a deep breath and dialed a number. She cleared her voice and swallowed back her pain, feeding herself with a strong pride.

"Hi Jackie, it's me. I was thinking that I could stop by tonight and help you with the décor…"

She left her flat and set off a vain war. He was dating someone? Then perfect; let's just see who was better at that.


	19. Unable to cheat

**Unable to cheat**

She moaned and turned around rolling on her stomach then froze as she felt a hand on her back. How could she have forgotten even for a couple of seconds? She regretted that day even before opening her eyes and facing a sleeping man next to her. She studied his features with a wave of bitterness and shame; embarrassed before the fact that she didn't even know his name. She had been too far, too quickly. Since the very beginning she had understood that she would act by pure stupidity. She slowly got up and left her bedroom, swallowing back her tears. She just hadn't imagined that it would hurt so much the morning after.

He had smiled at her; the rest had been easy, just a succession of obvious flirt, a couple of drinks and the deal had been accepted. He was nice. As much as she could say, he hadn't forced her to do anything and was even rather interesting. They had come back at her place, taken off their coats and kissed. After all they were there for that so why would they waste their time? It had been horrible, a complete disaster. Whenever his lips made contact with her bare skin, she couldn't help but picture Will out, smiling. The night was going on and she felt like betraying him with the most controlled determination. She wasn't a novice in the vaguely frustrating world of one-night stands. She had got plenty of them that had left her satisfied; for what she had been looking for. Casual sex; it was just about that, reaching an orgasm thanks to someone else's body, no matter who. She had always got it.

She tightened the grip over her mohair cardigan; she felt dirty. So that was what life would look like now? She wouldn't be able to appreciate sex properly if it wasn't with Will? It wouldn't; that was a common fact, like breathing. And why had she just put on the exact same clothes as the last Sunday morning? She shivered and sighed, exasperated.

"Do you mind if I have a shower here?"

She jumped and turned around. At least he had had the decency to put on his boxers; good point. She shrugged and cleared her voice.

"Of course you can though I'm afraid you will have to find another place for breakfast unless you have a thing for Chinese leftovers."

He disappeared in the bathroom and she closed her eyes to prevent from crying. She had never felt so bad, so sad. She made her way to the couch and sat down there absent-mindedly, holding a mug of tea in her hands. Her eyes swept the room in a slow motion of despair and she stared blankly at a used condom paper resting on the floor. She grabbed it almost blushing and put it down on the coffee table that she had cleaned the day before while she had been waiting for a Will who would never appear. The black plastic little square wrapping contrasted with the clear wooden of the furniture; she frowned. She didn't even remember having used it. It's when she realized that she actually had a soft hangover. She might call Grace a bit later to tell her that she wouldn't come at work before 6pm if she ever came at all.

She wouldn't have been able to say if a couple of minutes had flown over or a whole hour when he found himself standing in front of her; fresh from his shower, clothes on, his coat in hand, ready to leave. She stood up by pure mechanism and opened the door. At least they both knew that they could save the "I will call you" for none of them feeling like to. This was an act of anticipation that she had guessed instinctively; but certainly not the rest and how while opening the door, she would find herself in a face-to-face with Will who was holding a plastic bag. She looked at him in disbelief and hoped that shame would bury her alive immediately. Peter, as she would learn his name later, giggled nervously and took advantage of the awkward moment to run away, unsure of the attorney's status in Karen's life. A deep breath helped her to find back an ounce of pride and so she smirked, sickly delighted. His brown eyes were blank and he seemed hurt. That made her even angrier.

"Good morning, Wilma; what are you staring at like that?"

His lips were closed in a fine line and his features so deep and serious that she made an instinctive step backward, dreading his reaction.

"This is the kind of life you want to give to our child?"

She scoffed.

"Excuse me? We're not married, are we? I thought you had got it pretty well… It seemed to be clear the last time…"

"And I thought you had a little more respect for yourself. You see how wrong we can be sometimes. I should have known better…"

His voice was low, cold but firm. It was even worst than if he had actually been shouting. For a couple of seconds he seemed to hesitate before the way to end his sentence; then swallowed hard and nodded, sounding disgusted.

"Yes, I should have known better about everything."

She frowned before the slight mystery of his remark but her anger was such and her pride so high that she pushed the detail aside and provoked him.

"Then why do you think men always make me sign prenuptial contracts? Let me have some clear clauses about my fucking life!"

"Yes, you're right. And perhaps on the paper you will sound less vulgar. I wouldn't bet on that though."

He turned around, ready to leave, but froze and looked back at her; tending the plastic bag.

"These are buttons I bought yesterday. Mister Banjo needs new eyes."

She found herself staring at the wall of the corridor in front of her flat, the plastic bag in the palm of her left hand while her right one was pressing the open door and she leaned over slowly; the tears running in silence on her cheeks, getting lost along her chin. She never meant to close it properly but the weight of her body nonetheless did as she slid along the door and sat down on the floor; then burst into cries before the emptiness of her life and the ghost of Will that had vanished in a shrieking pain of loss.


	20. Is this already the end?

**Is this already the end?**

_What I have done? _She put down the toothpaste and stared blankly at her reflection in the mirror through the steam let by the hot water of the shower. Strangely enough she had gone to work an hour after her argument with Will; tired, feeling sick and even angrier when Grace had told her that one more time the attorney had not come back home the night before. Being possessive was one thing but feigning to be offended by a similar behavior to his own one was simply disgusting; unfair and out of place. She hadn't said a word, simply raised her eyebrows and swallowed back her silent pain. The rest of the day had gone smoothly, almost acceptable until she had closed the door of her flat behind her and weighed the loneliness and the despair of her situation. She wouldn't admit anything for being too scared to hear it out loud. What would happen next? According to the last events, nothing would ever come to any good now. She had grabbed a bottle of wine and poured some in a glass, smiling bitterly at the fact it had taken them six years or so to end up in bed but only a couple of hours to ruin it all; not even a week. The conclusions were obvious and easy to guess. Her evening had been warmed up by the effusion of alcohol and the reading of Jack's play.

She stepped out of the bathroom and stopped, observing Mister Banjo loosely sat down on the table of the living room. The operation had been a success and he had new eyes now. It had actually taken her four hours but she had at least had the pride to have done it by herself. She picked the toy up and caressed the face, smiling. She loved the buttons; a subtle gray that matched to perfection the velvet skin of the mouse. He looked great like that. _I miss you. _She turned around and headed to the door, adjusting in a nervous motion her top; then left.

There was a sentiment of failure mixed with the bitterness of regret. She had got accustomed to him, to his presence next to her in the waiting room. They usually didn't speak but a simple look and she felt secured. She sat down on an armchair and waited in silence, still. It was like a step backwards in the process; a sharp comeback to the first times when she pushed the doors of the clinic alone and dealt as well as she could with the weight of her shameful secret. Mary Hazel finally showed up but couldn't help frowning, looking all around then questioning with her big blue eyes the reason of Will's absence. Karen stood up and entered the office. She took a deep breath and bit the inside of her mouth, hoping she wouldn't blush.

"He couldn't come this time."

The scientist didn't hide her disappointment unless it was discomfort. Karen didn't really pay attention to it, just tried to show that she could assume it all on her own; capable of coping with this 'biologically unfit' situation.

"Oh God… Karen, is there really no way for him to be here? This is really delicate. It's unfair for you and…"

"Don't you worry for me. I told him that I would call him right after."

That was a lie; she hadn't even told him that she had an appointment at the clinic to know about the results of their potential mixed cells. Of course she would do it then. She just needed time and a large dose of self-control.

"No, you don't understand Karen. This is a problem."

"Why is it? The anonymous donators don't get any special invitation to know that they have fertilized some woman's ovum."

"No indeed but the woman in question doesn't have to tell them either that it didn't work out. I'm sorry, Karen. None of the fertilized ovum survived. This is something I would have preferred to say to the two of you because it's not your role to announce that to him. You're going through enough on your own."

"Oh, I see."

She blinked twice, took three deep breaths and remained still, expressionless. Her palms were sagely resting on the arms of the armchair, her feet firmly clutched to the floor. She looked so calm, almost dead as a matter of fact. It contrasted sharply with the boiling effervescence of her mind where a thousand questions per second were bumping against each other while a shrieking sound of sorrow seemed to play in the background of her heart. Lord knows how she managed a smile.

"It's okay. There are worst things I am used to living; it's no big deal."

Doctor Hazel leaned her head on a side and frowned, knowing perfectly that her patient wasn't fine but apart from a hug and some ridiculous so-called comforting words, what could she do for her? That was part of her job and she hated that. She cleared her voice and settled on her seat.

"Of course we can try it again as soon as next week."

"No, I think I am going to have a break; thank you though."

A heavy silence fell down over the room before the scientist nodding.

"Take your time, Karen. I understand."

_Good for you because to be completely honest, I don't._

They had seen each other every day. That was part of the deal when you had such a close friendship to share with people who hadn't been mixed to your own ridiculous decisions like having sex to have a baby. She had looked at him in the eyes without the slightest problem and kept on teasing him with a disturbing and painful easiness. She didn't mind to be in the same room as him; she might but she remained quiet over it for their argument not being supposed to reach Grace and Jack. It was personal and so there was no way to bother the others with the pride of their souls. They had just avoided to find themselves alone in the same room until this Friday night. Not even a week had passed by so seeing the sequels to the last events, she wondered with anxiety what would happen throughout the whole year that still had to come. She waited for the right time if there was any and made a timid step towards him. He was preparing the diner. Her fingertips caressed the counter top of the kitchen; he looked at her. She sighed.

"I went to the clinic today and I wanted to tell you that it didn't work out."

He didn't say a word; his mouth wide opened. She shrugged and passed her tongue over her lips.

"It must be a sign that we weren't supposed to try. I give it all a break now."

"Karen, come over here and tell me what you have done with those sketches!"

Grace rushed in the living room obviously angry, holding in her hands a dozen of drawings. A quick glance at him and she turned around, heading to the interior designer.


	21. All about me

**All about me**

"Where is Will?"

"Mister Moody isn't attending."

A simple question had set off all the rest; her terrible machine of pride, anger and sadness with a huge disproportionate favor for the third sentiment. She knew that he wasn't avoiding her. He didn't do such things; Grace was more important than a stupid argument over the conception of a human being. No, he was simply dating someone; the guy she had seen on Monday, only five days before while the pain on her heart seemed to have already been lasting forever. She had vaguely raised an eyebrow before the red-haired woman's exasperation concerning the attorney's behavior but well, they were like a married couple so they used to argue too from time to time. The only point she had wanted to concentrate on was that he would spend the whole night in someone else's arms and no matter she didn't want to recognize it, it had broken her heart. She had blinked, swallowed back her disappointment and smiled brightly at Jack and Grace; there she went, she still would have fun while hanging out.

The music was loud, the lights too powerful and the narrow room definitely too crowded but she didn't care at all as long as she could have a seat and her glasses. One after one she gulped down strong martini. The alcohol had ceased for quite a while yet to actually burn her throat and she wouldn't have been able to make the slightest distinction now between water and vodka nor her hand from Jack's one. It didn't even spin around; she went straight to this state of smooth sensation when everything seemed to slow down, the sounds stifled, life bearable. She was drunk, completely out of work and glad not to have to stand up immediately because for the moment, she controlled the show from the depths of her seat.

She put down a bit too quickly her glass on the table and made some tequila land on her hand. She brought it to her lips and sucked it seductively while staring at Grace; then leaned over to talk to her friend.

"You know, honey, we should go out without Will more often. This is definitely funnier, isn't it? Who needs Mister Righty and his so damn stupid morals… Jack, I want a kiss."

She turned around and smiled with melancholy at the actor; forgetting about her speech to the interior designer. Her gestures were grandiloquent, exaggerated and awkward. She gasped all of a sudden and looked back at Grace who seemed to be slightly amused to witness the millionaire's improbable state of inebriation. She slapped her forehead with the palm of her hand and rolled her eyes.

"Jeez I forgot to answer to you, Gracie… Will's sweet; his caresses are awesome and his kisses are enough to make you melt right away like an ice cub in a fridge. Well, wait no; that's not the right image… Anyway, he's a very good lover. There's no need to tell him to go faster or stay there a while longer because he guesses it. He's like a wizard. How do I know about that? Gosh, that's hard to say 'how do', 'how do do'…"

She was slurring her words, focalizing on the pronunciation of a sentence she had managed to produce without any problem in the first place; then swept it away in a dramatic gesture.

"Well I know it because I slept with him. Yes ma'am, I did!"

She grabbed Jack's neck and made out roughly with him then blinked.

"Oh God, Jackie… We've just slept together. I'm such a bitch."

She wouldn't remember the evening and Grace wouldn't give attention to her statement about Will. Obviously alcohol had made it all fuzzy and Karen had emphasized everything.

Apart from the hangover she had had the next morning, nothing changed and life went on. She had decided to concentrate on Jack's play that was actually pretty good and so she was rather happy to be a part of it. Grace had also been hired, for the décor; she was in charge of the wardrobe. They started spending a lot of time at the small theater and Will used to join them late in the afternoon after having left the office. They were all busy, in their own way.

She didn't like being onstage. The heat of the spotlights on her face was suffocating and she felt like that she was being observed by a thousand faces hidden in the darkness of the theater. It made her feel anxious. Grace loved it. She went up there as soon as she could, feigning a good excuse while the dark-haired woman simply tried to escape from it and that's why she preferred to stay backstage. Of course she kept on pretending the exact opposite because Karen Walker was born to be seen and admired but deep inside herself she was wishing nothing but the moment she would come back to the little room that served as a closet. She sat down on the single armchair out there and closed her eyes, enjoying the quietness of the place, the murmurs coming from the stage in the background. She loved the load-bearings on which were hung up a million of clothes forming a rainbow of fabric and an eternal spring of singular stories. It smelled of an old perfume, a vague fragrance of roses and cedar. The jewel box was wide open and paste items seemed to be running away from it like the waves suddenly passing over a pier on a stormy day.

It had been a week now since she had slept with this complete stranger and woken up with the bitter taste of regret over her soul; then had put an end to any maternal dream. The truth was that she missed him. She would have given anything to get back an ounce of complicity and a smile, a real one; sincere. She had turned the page; if only he could guess it… The door opened and she stood up, surprised. She didn't say a word; looked at him timidly before coming back to some fictive activity and pretending she didn't mind about him. He pushed back the door, closing it involuntarily and made a step forward in the tiny room. Her hazel eyes were glancing at him in a motion she hoped was passing unnoticed. The silence was loud, heavy and oppressive; she swallowed back a wave of tears and tended her hand to grab the scissors. She jumped and gasped at the sudden contact; turned her head towards him. Her fingers were cold over his but nonetheless hot against the metal of the item. They stayed still for what looked like an eternity; their hands both on the pair of scissors, thinking about the next move, the next word if they happened to speak. She opened her mouth in a mock of pain and shook her head; he rushed to her lips, absorbing her 'I'm so sorry, Will' in a deep and hungry kiss that made her go backwards, crossing the clothes hung up on the load-bearings and only stopped while making contact with the wall. She tightened her grip on him and succumbed to his arms; relieved.


	22. The show must go on

**The show must go on**

It had nothing to do with the subtle awkwardness of their first times and the way they had avoided long gazes; shaking hands brushing a skin. It was rough like a desperate need and the release of a quiet pain vanishing in the hunger of a kiss and the closeness of their bodies. She could feel him against her but it wasn't enough; if only he could have passed underneath her bones and reached the exact essence of her soul then remained there to nourish her dreams with his smile. She passed her fingers through his hair as his hand grabbed her thigh, their tongues intertwined in a powerful addiction and it's when she burst into tears. They were running on her cheeks, distorting her mouth but she wouldn't let him go away and absorbed in a thankful silence the salt of a restrained joy to finally find back the heat of his arms. The actors were still rehearsing somewhere in the background; their voices coming to her ears in stifled waves of life like another world where she had no sense at all. She moaned when he proceeded to take off her top. The coldness of the wall against her back sent shivers to her spine before they finally broke apart as he discarded the piece of clothing. She swallowed hard, breathless; looked at him. Did she seem to be confused?

She got rid of his jacket and his blouse then kissed hungrily his shoulder. Her stockings slid along her legs and he took off her thong, caressing her buttocks while his lips found back hers and her own fingers started unzipping his pants. The door flew open; they froze, hidden behind an impressive amount of clothes hung up on the load-bearings.

"There's nobody here, Jack. They must be somewhere else."

Grace closed the door back; she undressed him in a furtive motion of eager desire. She gasped, arched her back and smiled through her tears, biting her lower lip as his mouth began to kiss her breasts and he unhooked her bra. She wouldn't have said that it was violent or wild. If she had had to give an adjective to qualify it, she would have chosen 'passionate' or even 'romantic' even though it was so far from the fluidity of long and sweet caresses. The staccato effect of their deep but short kisses and the rapidity of their hands going up and down gave a shade of chaos as if their feelings, while winning a battle over their minds, had broken into pieces the slightest control of their acts. She finally got rid of her skirt and held her breath under his first thrusts. She almost lacked air in the tiny room, behind the mountain of clothes. He grabbed her legs, holding them tight around his waist as his lips were going up and down her neck, catching her mouth from time to time. She sighed against his ear; it drove him crazy. She was trying her best to stifle her moans; not that someone could ever hear her but simply because it was better somehow. Her hands froze and her nails pressed his skin as she succumbed to her irrepressible feelings and started shivering uncontrollably.

"Karen, come over here immediately; wherever you are, you're needed onstage."

Grace put down the microphone and waited impatiently for her assistant, her fingertips playing in a nervous mechanism on the edge of a table. She sighed, exasperated, and hoped that the dark-haired woman had simply not gone away at all without any warning.

"I'm here! I'm here!"

She arrived from the left, pushed away the curtain and made her way onstage adjusting her top over her creased skirt. The interior designer looked at her in disbelief. Her hair was a mess and she could have said alike about her makeup.

"What were you doing? Have you fallen asleep? I've been calling you with this stupid microphone like the manager of a store chasing a mom who would have lost her kid. Didn't you hear me? I thought it was connected to every single room of this theater."

"Who cares, honey? I'm here now so tell me what you want."

He passed the door of her flat at midnight and from then on she swore to herself that she would always smile; not that she would ever tell him, of course not, unless he did. She had dried her tears but still felt the unpleasant sensation of oppression that used to accompany them as if she was on the edge to burst into cries whenever she realized that she was back in his arms in spite of her one-night stand and his mysterious date. She planted a kiss on his bare shoulder and, leaned up on her elbow, stared at him. It was a cold night and the snow was falling. She vaguely shivered and pulled up the duvet to fully cover their naked bodies. How come his hands seemed to have been made for holding her waist as he was doing now? She caressed with a finger his lips before frowning.

"Who is he, Will?"

He blinked and shook his head, obviously confused. He didn't look pissed off; she felt secured but nonetheless weak and hurt because of his own private life; antithetic behavior.

"Whom are you talking about?"

"The guy you've been dating. I saw you with him in the street last Monday; I mean the week after we…"

She looked down, embarrassed and started sobbing.

"I don't understand anything… One day you seem to care about me and the other one you go all secretive and see other men. Then why do you keep on sleeping with me? Why are you here right now? You're cheating on him; this is awful…"

"I'm not cheating on anyone. The guy you saw the other day is Martin, a friend from high school. We literally bumped into each other three weeks ago and he's getting married. That's why I didn't come back home a couple of times. Let's just say we were catching back the time when we couldn't drink alcohol yet. I was definitely not in a state to find back my way home. We haven't kept in touch after graduation. I went to Columbia; he headed to Harvard. Distance made it all, you know."

She had been listening to him with the perplexity of unexpected good news until it hit her mind and she made a step backwards, breaking their embrace. A wave of guilt invaded her heart and she prevented from screaming while putting a hand in front of her mouth; what about her one-night stand?

Will understood her reaction but he just smiled at her.

"It's okay. Anyway it's not as if we had signed an exclusivity clause or something…"

"You have no idea how I regret it."

"You shouldn't; he was pretty cute as long as I remember."

She made him shut up with a kiss, pushing aside the slightest analyze of the reason why she was staying naked in his arms right now.


	23. The truth about Karen Walker

**The truth about Karen Walker**

The truth was that she was just a girl; someone who loved cuddling against another, spending infinite hours whispering sweet words and who couldn't help but smile before the slightest gesture of attention. She had absolutely nothing against flowers and would have died for a kiss at any moment, anywhere. She liked the rain for the glimmering shades it left on the leaves of the trees in a magical silence of fusion. It was romantic. She would never get over the way her fingers slide along others before them getting intertwined and she felt the heat of skin on the palm of her hand. It stirred up a wave of warm feelings in her stomach and used to comfort her heart. Her features seemed to soften as her eyes got lost in an effusion of life. She looked fragile, hopeful and delicate and you were suddenly afraid that the world could hurt her, damaging in an irrevocable movement the purity of her soul. In a word she was the exact opposite of the person she was in public when the mere clicking of her high heels on the floor was enough to announce the beginning of a series of stormy whims. And the fact is that it was extremely confusing when you happened to witness both sides of her personality.

She firstly leaned against his chest but very soon looked up at him and captured his lips with her usual sweetness; the unexpected one for the novices. The urge rushed to her mind in a whirl of bright lights and so she straddled his lap, passing her arms around his neck to kiss him deeper; no matter Grace was in the room next door or that Jack could come in and walk in on them within a second. She needed to feel him against her, a full contact just to prove to her mind that it wasn't a mere fantasy. She smiled as his hand passed underneath her top, going up slowly, caressing her spine.

"Will, I want to eat sushi. Do you know where the flyer is?"

Grace; and they were back to their initial positions; each one on a side of the sofa, reading The New York Times and The Evening Standard even though it would have been hard for them to answer the least question about any of the articles.

Was she too old to feel like that? The wonder was coming back through incessant waves of doubts as soon as she caught herself smiling. It fell on her shoulders in a sudden motion, tightened her heart while the shame invaded her cheeks with a red and burning flame. She wasn't fifteen anymore, not even twenty. Did it not sound stupid to walk in the streets, hands in the pockets of her coat, and take a deep breath, claiming in silence that he made her happy? She had a boyfriend, a lover; whatever she could call him. The fact was that she wasn't alone anymore and her heart was beating for him. Of course it was too early to let him know; if she would ever do. She might just be a fling for him, a sort of inexplicable crush led by his curiosity and the problem was that she didn't see him like that at all. Experience had taught her to be careful about her feelings but she couldn't help it.

She saw him standing at the corner of the path, waiting for her under a maple tree whitened by the snow. The winter was very cold but pure and nostalgic, innocent, for looking like the ones of her childhood. She speeded up her pace and smiled brightly at him as her voice melt in delightful giggles when she finally kissed his lips. His cheeks were icy, contrasting with the heat of his mouth. They broke apart and she swore to herself that New York wasn't a place for single people; it was made for romances, singular love stories.

Will grabbed her hands and locked his eyes with hers; his fingers caressing the leather of her gloves.

"Are you ready?"

"I'm a little nervous. I don't want to come back home with a whole collection of bruises. Are you sure we can't just sit around and look at the others?"

"It's not as funny if you don't try. The whole thing is about the silliness of twirling around and seeing the buildings to become fuzzy."

And he was right. Between two laughs, the dark-haired woman was gasping for air, lost in the attorney's arms. She hadn't fallen down yet and to be completely honest, she wasn't that bad. The subtlety of finding her balance had come naturally and she was now sliding on the ice rink against him, avoiding the crowd of people. It looked like a ballet of some Russian company over a white stage of ice or just multicolored fireworks exploding in a chaotic dance of experimental art; lit up by the Christmas tree of The Rockfeller Center on a Saturday afternoon. She speeded up, got confidence before grabbing his hand and leading their movements then turned around and stopped in a controlled motion of perfection. He looked at her in disbelief; she shrugged and smirked.

"I may have lived in snowy places before…"

"You're such a liar!"

She leaned over, making tap dance steps before caressing his lips with hers, not at all troubled by the sliding floor.

"I just wanted you to hold me in your arms. You're a good teacher."

She kissed him deeply but broke apart almost immediately before rushing away in large and self-confident movements; releasing at last the impatience of enjoying the rink properly. The truth was that she had never come back to ice skate since the first time she had been married. She had dropped everything out by then; every single detail that would remind her of an old time she had preferred to forget. It had sounded right, the best thing to do in order to turn the page but now that she was sliding peacefully, she realized that it had only been a mistake; another one.

She speeded up again, almost furiously as if she was trying to escape from her faults, her wrong decisions. She was angry and hurt, regretful. She felt the tears run on her cheeks and she shook her head, trapped between the happiness of the moment, what she was living with Will and the darkness of the rest. He caught her arm; she turned around and bit her lower lip.

"I want to have a baby, Will."

And then it hit her mind: she was tired to live someone else's life.


	24. Interview

**Interview**

"What do you think about men?"

She looked up at Grace and couldn't help laughing quietly, amused by such question. It was so typical from women. Raising an eyebrow she began to chew on her pencil and shrugged.

"I do like them; sure they're not the smartest invention of the world but… I wouldn't be able to live without them."

"Life would be boring if they didn't exist, wouldn't it? I may have a thing for them too… Yes, I guess I do."

"Why are you asking me that, Gracie?"

"Your eyes are sparkling with this little flame, you know…"

The interior designer smiled; she looked aside, scoffing. She could feel the heat going up her cheeks as the atmosphere of the office became all of a sudden suffocating. She sighed, embarrassed; her brain cells boiling in her head to find out an escape. Grace leaned on her desk and locked her eyes with hers.

"Are you in love, Karen? Who is this mysterious man that makes your smiles so bright?"

She leaned her head backwards and moaned, closing her eyes under the relaxing touch of his hands on her back. She had never really had any favorite day until they became closer and Tuesday evenings got a new meaning to her heart. They didn't have to lie, barely hid each other as he was supposed to be at her place, discussing over Walker Inc. cases. As the activity in itself sounded quite boring, Grace and Jack had never insisted to be there and now that their intimacy had reached another stage, they could take advantage of the late hours of the night to enjoy properly the new shades of their relationship. She had never been a morning person, vaguely liked the afternoon but now she had a reason more to appreciate the quietness of the moon and the stifled sounds of the evening when everything seemed to get back to a calm routine and it was perfect for an embrace; a sweet caress, a stolen kiss.

She moved her leg against the tub which made the water balance from right to left a little, coming by successive waves of heat against her stomach as Will's knees pressed her thighs. He had sat down behind her, anticipating the fact that she liked leaning against his chest and contemplating blankly the wall in front of her. She wasn't fond of face-to-faces; it was too honest and too harsh to say out loud all the things she dared to confess while turning her back. She grabbed her glass of wine previously put down on a coffee table next to the tub and took a sip, smiling softly before the massage he was giving her.

"Damn, Karen what have you done to your back? You're so tensed."

"I owe that to Grace. She asked me a lot of questions about you. Well, not about you but the man I'm sleeping with; who happens to be you but… Oh, do you see what I mean?"

Will laughed and nodded, no matter the dark-haired woman couldn't see him; just felt his fingertips caressing her spine.

"Do you speak a lot about sex with Grace?"

She smirked and put an end to his massage; then got closer to him and wrapped his arms around her bare skin.

"It's not _Sex and the City_ if it's what you mean. We might talk about men and women's wonders…"

"What are women's wonders?"

"It's men's wonders but for women. Well, you know… We talk about our doubts, our satisfactions, our… All these things, honey; you surely do the same with Jack."

"I don't. I mean… I don't do it anymore."

"Why, he's still your best friend."

"But he sleeps with men, as I'm supposed to do too…"

It hit her all of a sudden like an icy wind wrapping up her heart and she felt sad for him. As much as she didn't give any name, she was still able to confess an ounce of truth and get reassured. He had to go on his own with all the implications that a relationship with a woman meant in his existence. She turned around quickly, not paying attention at all at the water splashing against the walls; little transparent ponds on the floor. Her fingers slid along his neck and she forced him to lock his eyes with hers.

"I'm sorry, Will."

He forgot it all in a kiss or at least pretended so. She responded in spite of the weight of an awful realization over her mind. She imposed him a lot, way too much. But time was passing by and so she let it go; enjoying a couple of hours more in his arms. Who knows, they might be the last ones.

"Karen I want to stay!"

"I told you a thousand times, poodle: this is not a night for you, pure straight face-to-face private party. Would you offer me a three-way with your lover?"

The actor clasped, delighted by the millionaire's last comment. He rushed to her and sat down on the hardwood floor; then blinked. She rolled her eyes and sighed before coming back to the magazine she was reading while savoring a martini on the sofa of her living room. She feigned not to be altered at all by her friend's effusion but started dreading the way their conversation was taking.

"Oh my God, Karen Walker you have a lover!"

"You always said that I was sleeping with someone so where's the point?"

"But I didn't know it was your lover."

"Then how do you call the people you sleep with?"

"Well, one-night stands, darling; having a lover implies a certain regularity. Now what's his name?"

"Now that's something you will never know about, honey. And what's happening all of a sudden that everybody's asking me personal questions like that?"

She shut down her magazine and made a face, doing a bad impression of an abusive interviewer.

"Karen, what are women's wonders? Karen, who makes you smile like that? Karen, what's the name of your lover? Damn but leave me alone for a second!"

Jack looked down and stayed quiet before the dark-haired woman's obvious surprise. He usually didn't give up so easily. His mouth began to move and his eyes slowly made their way until hers, staring at her like a pleading little boy.

"Who has been asking you all that?"

"Oh!"

She let a scream of frustration escape and stood up, heading to the kitchen for nothing in particular but take some distance with the annoying situation. She never asked so many questions to people so why did they do it to her? It was unfair; she could barely answer to her own wonders.


	25. It's spinning around too quickly

**It's spinning around too quickly**

"Karen, you're bleeding!"

She looked up at Grace and frowned as her heart began to pound louder in her chest before such remark. She had been lost one more time in the contemplation of the building opposite the street, far away in her wonders; so many things. She hadn't felt the slightest discomfort, the sweet caress of a liquid running on her skin. Instinctively she pressed the inside of her forearm and stood up but stumbled backwards; swallowing hard.

"Hey, are you okay?"

The red-haired woman rushed to her and grabbed her frame as she was loosing her balance. The room was spinning around; she was nauseous. Leading her to a chair, Grace sat her down on it and stared at her with an obvious sentiment of panic playing on her face.

"You're pale. Do you want me to call a doctor? Why are you bleeding? Show me…"

The interior designer rolled up the long sleeve of her purple top. Karen wanted to speak but felt too weak. Her legs were shaking and incredibly light. She vaguely shook her head then shrugged. The cotton was saturated with blood and the red liquid was now sliding along her arm while a bruise was already appearing. Grace frowned and passed careful fingers over it before looking up at her.

"Oh, you had a blood sample? It looked like the needle pierced a vein; it's okay, don't be worried."

"I need sugar."

She hadn't had breakfast yet; not that it really mattered. She used to skip it even after a blood sample and it had never been a problem in itself. It was the first time she had almost passed out because of it. She bit timidly in a donut. It didn't even taste good; she felt like she was going to be sick. Breathing loudly she tried to stand up but Grace prevented her from doing it.

"Where are you going like that?"

"I need to go to the bathroom; I'm not fine."

The interior designer nodded but nonetheless went with her, holding her arms all along for her steps still being unsteady. She spent the rest of the day sitting down at her desk, a bit ashamed. She should at least have had a snack or something; it was logical. How could she pretend to have maternal wishes if she didn't even take care of herself properly?

They had decided to give another try. After all she had only got one insemination; she still had two others left. The weight of the failed attempts had touched her more than what she accepted to recognize and she was scared; trapped somehow between the desire to get it and the pain it would cause if it ever didn't work out again. From the 'biologically unfit' to the announcement of the absence of results for her last fertilized ovum, it had just been a nightmare; a whole series of disastrous news that seemed to be laughing loud at her stubbornness. Perhaps she was just not made to carry on a child. After all the drinking and the pills it was quite fair, wasn't it? She had sighed and nodded quietly. She would try again and that's why she had had a blood sample in the morning. She knew the procedure by heart now; how long it took from the very first exam to the insemination, all the feelings that would stop by her soul one more time. It would be hard.

She made Grace promise to keep for herself her morning dizzy spell then came back home and took a bath. She still didn't really feel right, for whatever reason. The warmness and comforting touch of the hot water didn't reach her at all and she ended up eating Chinese take-outs in silence, watching the rerun of some bad movie. She was cold, lonely; on the verge of crying. She looked around, scanning the living room and stopped her gaze over the Christmas tree they had bought the weekend before. Jack had chosen it; she had paid. Will and Grace had decorated it; just a traditional example of their peculiar friendship. Will and Grace; she repeated the association of both names a couple of times out loud, studying with attention the harmony and the fluidity of it. Will and Karen; there was no comparison. She raised her eyebrows and made a face. It didn't sound as beautiful, not in this natural way.

She passed the door of the office and flashed a bright smile at Grace but froze when her friend didn't reply by a similar gesture. It only lasted a few seconds, an almost imperceptible lapse of time for some outsider observer; the red-haired woman narrowed her eyes and looked at her in silence as if she was actually seeing her for the first time in her life. She made a step backwards; the situation was awkward.

"Good morning, Karen; how are you?"

She swallowed back a sigh of relied and plunged into the reassuring routine with effusion. Christmas was coming and with it the ritual of wonders over the presents and the rush to the stores in a magical but nonetheless exhausting effervescence. They laughed and conversed lightly until Grace checked her watch and grabbed her coat, putting an abrupt end to the warm moment. Looking all around to retrieve her purse and main items, she glanced at Karen.

"I'm late; I have an appointment at Macy's with a client in thirty minutes and I wanted to see a couple of other things before. If you need me, call on my cell phone and leave a message if I don't answer. I should be back around 2pm. You can close for lunch time; I take my keys."

Karen nodded and smiled, ready to come back to some fashion magazine she had just received. She would still wonder why, twenty years later, she chose this moment over any other one. She hadn't prepared anything and even less talked about it with the main interested person. It simply came out by itself; she just heard the words hit the air as Grace was already passing the doors.

"I sleep with Will."

The interior designer froze, stopping her movement while leaning her hands on the doorframe. She looked down and stayed quiet, just a few inches away from the millionaire's desk who was staring at her back in shock before her own confession. Grace's profile appeared as she looked a side, vaguely turning her head. She didn't seem to be sad or angry; she was just still, perfectly still. Then she nodded very slowly and finally turned around; locked her eyes with her friend's.

"I know."


	26. We all need an explanation

**We all need an explanation**

It had come as abruptly as her confession, hitting her with the violence of an astonishing effect and everything seemed to be falling apart all of a sudden. Her mouth was wide opened; her features frozen. A couple of seconds passed by unless it was a full hour before her finally blinking, shaking her head in disbelief. She hadn't misheard Grace. The interior designer wasn't smiling, an unreadable expression on her face. Did she look hurt or sad? A semblance of conclusion began to float in her brain: the red-haired woman seemed to be lifeless. It all came back by successive waves like the mechanism of an alarm o'clock after a blackout; her lips began to move, her system set off again and at the very end of the process her voice sounded loud against the icy silence of the office.

"I don't understand."

"Will told me."

Grace didn't seem to have lost the slightest control over herself and for a few seconds she envied her; just for that. The rest was probably painful for the interior designer and Karen only guessed that she had known about it for quite a while yet, seeing how she looked detached. Dropping her purse on the floor, the red-hair made a few steps towards the millionaire and grabbed a stool; then sat down on it, looked at the floor.

"He didn't mean to say it to me in the first place. As a matter of fact Jack and I had noticed your similar attitudes; the way you two were sad at the same time and then almost euphoric. Coincidence can make it happen once or twice but not every single day as it did for you. And there were those nights he spent out; never telling me about anything the next morning. I didn't understand why he stayed so quiet. He's very secretive but still… We were having dinner last evening when I told him about your dizzy spell; he freaked out. It's when I guessed. He just confirmed…"

"What did he say exactly?"

She had been studying the movements of her friend's eyes staring absent-mindedly at the hardwood floor all along as if the words she had been using were engraved on the carpet and she just had to read them. It was a good way to take some distance with the situation and the probable feelings that were tearing her heart. Karen felt guilty of course but she simply got scared of what the attorney might have said to his best friend.

Grace looked up and locked her eyes with the millionaire's ones then passed her tongue over her lips.

"He told me the whole story; you two and the baby. I'm really sorry it didn't work out the first time. I feel bad for not having been there when you needed your friends more than anything."

She would have never imagined such a twist. In all her dark and dreadful fantasies, she was the one who apologized; for having stolen him from her, for having lied for so long but it hadn't crossed her mind that Grace would feel guilty for not having brought her the right dose of support when she had had the miscarriage; or whatever it was called, she could barely said that she had lost a baby for not having had any pregnancy test before. Something had left her body, a couple of cells. Who could say the difference? Probably nobody but her; and all the women who had suffered from the same situation.

"Don't say that, Grace. If there's someone to blame it's me. I didn't tell you about my problem. You couldn't guess it, could you? Of course no; you can't read it all in my head."

The interior designer nodded without really sounding convinced by her words before an awkward silence falling between the two women; cut off from time to time by heavy gazes, long glances.

"Are you angry with me, Gracie?"

The red-haired woman frowned, obviously confused in front of her friend's question as if she hadn't even thought about this possibility before.

"We're not going to play a bad remake of Romeo and Juliet or some West Side Story. It does sound weird and I may be wondering why it happened to be you and not me when he had the choice to but… It's nobody's fault, is it? I could be mad at you and prevent you from seeing him but what would it change? It wouldn't make me feel better for seeing every single day two of my best friends being sad because of my selfishness."

"But it's not what you thought in the first place, am I wrong?"

"No, you're not. I asked him why; why you and not me, why Diane. But I know we have no hold over that as much as Diane was a mistake. You're one of the most important decisions of his life."

"Is it what he answered?"

"No, it's not."

Grace raised her eyebrows and laughed bitterly, charmed by the cuteness of his reply playing again in her head.

"He said he loved your voice in the morning."

"Why, that's rather unexpected. I'm not told that every day…"

"And why do you sleep with him?"

The return of the question was fair but nonetheless terribly intimidating. She thought about Will since the day he had grabbed her hand after having bumped into her in front of the doors of the clinic. She reminded him next to her for the insemination and realized that she hadn't kept in mind any souvenir without his presence next to her as if he was a logical part of her life. She took a deep breath and tried to swallow back some tears; then shrugged and looked aside.

"He allows me to have some dreams."

What if the next insemination didn't work out or even worst she lost the baby after several months of a hopeful pregnancy? What if it was written somewhere that if she had been diagnosed as 'biologically unfit', there might be a reason to and she shouldn't try to change it? Then there would still be one dream that she would never be able to reach. She bit her lower lip and cleared her voice, vaguely smiling; blinking to push away her tears. She hated so much crying, especially in front of people she loved. Grace shook her head before throwing her arms around her frame; hugging her tight.

"It's okay, Karen. You will get it, beauty. But whatever happens, please take care of him. You know how he's important to me."

The interior designer broke the embrace but locked her eyes with her friend's ones.

"I don't think he ever told you about it; he didn't mention it either last night but… He's in love with you and I want to thank you for making him so happy. I just have to accept the fact that it didn't have to come from me."


	27. The awkwardness of a wish

**The awkwardness of a wish**

It didn't set off anything but a veil of embarrassment for not knowing how to behave with him in front of Grace. She saw him enter the office at the beginning of the afternoon but didn't dare to move.

"Karen and I had a talk this morning."

Will froze and looked at the red-haired woman with a slight apprehension, unsure of the reaction he was supposed to adopt. She smiled and nodded, letting him understand that things were okay now. He turned around and scanned the millionaire's eyes who replied by a timid smile; then cleared her voice. What were they supposed to do, now? Grace giggled in the background and blushed before her own suggestion.

"You can kiss her. I don't mind."

As a matter of fact she was even curious to see them properly behave as a couple but Jack rushed in the office and she swore his arrival between her teeth; then got back to work on some sketches. Karen bit her lower lip and stood up, grabbing her purse.

"Let's go for some shopping-talk, poodle. There's something I'd like to tell you about."

She left almost immediately with the actor, vaguely glancing at Will and Grace before vanishing at the corner of the door.

"I thought you would never tell us."

She had stared, perplexed, at Jack twisting around his spoon on his Sunday. The announcement had probably brought its logical dose of relief though she couldn't help feeling disappointed as all the things she had thought strong in her attitude were falling down and breaking into pieces one after another. She had always imagined that she was good at lying and pretending but the sudden and unexpected turn of the last events seemed to prove the exact opposite. Had she ever fooled anyone, about anything? She shivered before the realization, feeling almost scared. She didn't want to be considered as weak, that's why she kept on hiding a large part of her persona.

Jack made a face and shook his head.

"You know, Will has never really been gay…"

"Have you forgotten about Mickael?"

"Did it work out?"

"It didn't work out for Stanley and I either and it doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. Besides nobody can say if it's going to last with Will…"

"You will even marry him."

She gasped and blushed before such an idea; it hadn't even crossed her mind that they could go until a wedding. She hadn't even told him yet about her feelings; nor him.

The four friends had dinner at Will and Grace's flat this evening and even though the conversation seemed to go on pretty smoothly, it was obvious that some tension was held behind what tasted of artificiality. Karen was euphoric, playing childishly with Jack, turning her back at Will while the attorney was in grand discussion with Grace. They weren't simply avoiding each other and the moment they would be looked at as a couple. It was weird, way too much; no matter their friends had accepted the idea.

They had sat down on the couch at a respectable distance, still going on with a fake easiness when Grace finally broke it down.

"Do you spend the night over, Karen?"

She froze and felt the red invading her cheeks; looking desperately all around for an answer. Her mouth worked in silence for a couple of seconds before her finally frowning.

"Well, I don't know… The fact is that I have plenty of things to do at home and…"

It was a lie; just a way to avoid one more time the slightest insinuation that she actually used to share the attorney's bed.

"Come on, it's late. You're not going to go back home at one in the morning! Damn, it doesn't bother any of us, Kare…"

Her hazel eyes caught timidly Will's ones; he was as embarrassed as her. But she nonetheless nodded and before realizing it, found herself in the attorney's room, putting on one of his shirts in a silent movement. Everyone had gone to bed, knowing perfectly that the next morning she would be at the table for breakfast without having left at any moment. She stepped in bed and waited for Will, checking the items that littered the bedside table: a pencil, some books, a magazine, a photograph of her… She stopped and couldn't help but smile, surprised by the attention. She didn't even remember when it had been taken. He finally joined her and turned the lights off without saying a word.

Plunged in the dark, none of them dared to move and even less to speak. It was definitely odd. With an awkward courage, the millionaire turned on her side and came to cuddle against him. The moon was lighting up their faces and she could see his eyes sparkle in the dark. She smiled at him and leaned over to capture his lips. Their kiss became bolder and as he passed on top of her, she broke apart and motioned the door.

"Let's just be quiet, then…"

She bit her lower lip and nodded timidly before coming back to their sensual caresses.

She took her shower with him before observing him as he was shaving. She had never happened to witness it; he used to leave earlier in order to stop by his flat and changed his clothes. She passed her arms around his naked chest from behind and kissed his shoulder. She was already dressed but nonetheless stayed in the bathroom.

"I need my purse, Will. It's in the living-room."

The attorney laughed slightly then shrugged.

"Then why don't you go for it?"

"I don't want to go there alone and cross someone… I want you to be there with me when I happen to step out of your bedroom at eight in the morning. But I need my makeup and my makeup is in my purse."

"Nobody's already awoken. It's too calm."

She looked at him with pleading eyes; he sighed and rolled his eyes, abdicating. She smiled as he came back with it a couple of seconds later.

The night had been awkward for everyone. Grace got up with images of Will and Karen boiling in her head. She was curious about them to be completely honest. They hadn't showed the slightest sign of care towards each other the evening before and she couldn't help but wonder how they were as a couple. She opened the door of her bedroom and walked, half-asleep, towards the kitchen. She stopped while seeing them. Will was preparing scrambled eggs but had turned around and was kissing Karen softly. Something warm invaded the red-haired woman's heart as they did; perhaps the impression let by the sentiment it was the way things were supposed to be.


	28. The silence of her heart

**The silence of her heart**

She closed her eyes as his lips made contact with her bare shoulder, his hand passing around her arm; pressing it tight. His breath was hot and comforting against her skin, tempting. But her mind didn't manage to concentrate on Will's wishes so she let him do, just that. She used to respond and nod implicitly to some bolder caresses but her throat tightened its grip over her heart. She swallowed back her tears; it didn't pass unnoticed. The attorney got up and went to sit down in front of her then pushed a strand of hair away from her face; grabbed her chin.

"Why are you sad, Karen?"

The fact was that she had no idea. She could at last live her relationship with Will under the bright light of the day; her friends supported it, no matter it was weird, unexpected. Her feelings over the attorney were adopting the shades of the most serious dreams she had ever had and for the very first time in her life, she felt like she was doing right. But what about this sadness that had spread over her soul all of a sudden? It had come by itself, without any warning. She was having a shower when a heavy weight had started pounding against her temple, breaking into pieces the furtive happiness she had been living.

"Are you scared?"

She shook her head before Will's second tentative to find out about the reason why the millionaire remained silent. She had an appointment the next morning to the clinic. The test of her blood sample had been delivered but Mary Hazel had preferred to announce it during a face-to-face and so she wanted to see her. She had stopped being afraid; she was just resigned now. Whatever happened, she would keep on breathing and have no choice but adapt herself to the passing of time and the way the events decided to turn out. She locked her glimmering eyes with his and finally simply leaned over to capture his lips but the attorney prevented her from doing it.

"I want you to confess your feelings, Karen. Having sex won't resolve your sorrow."

"I'm not sad…"

He sighed, kissing her temple. A truck passed in the street below, its lights getting reflected on the walls of her bedroom. The sudden yellow shade made him notice that they hadn't turned the lights on yet. Karen laid down, letting her body slide on the mattress; waiting for him to follow her movement in order to cuddle against him.

"I'm cold and tired."

He grabbed the duvet and covered their full-dressed bodies with it. His fingers were passing absent-mindedly through her hair as the scent of her skin went dizzily to his head.

"I hate myself."

The words came out at the same time as her tears. She burst into cries, her nails pressing the palms of her hands.

"I can't bear myself anymore; my body and all the things that go so wrong inside of me. I want to put an end to it. It has to cease. I want to die, Will."

"Don't say that, Karen. No, don't say that; not now."

His voice began to shake and she leaned up on her elbow only to see some tears invading his brown eyes. He cupped her face in his hands; then frowned.

"I love you, Karen. Don't even say those things again. You have to promise me; right now. Tell me you will never leave me. Oh Karen… I love you."

She had frozen before his words, halfway between an ideal reality and the fear not to be able to give back to him the strength of her feelings. She opened her mouth to speak but found herself in the incapacity to do it. She leaned back on his chest and kept on crying.

"I'm glad to see you back here; the two of you."

"How is Zoe?"

The scientist barely hid her surprise before Karen's question and smiled brightly.

"She's very fine; thank you for asking."

"You're welcome."

Mary Hazel sat down behind her desk and put her glasses on, not even looking at the millionaire's medical file. She crossed her hands and sighed.

"If I showed you the results of your blood sample, you wouldn't see the words 'biologically unfit' at the bottom of the page."

She held her breath and shook her head, curious before the scientist's mysterious way of speaking. Will grabbed her hand but she barely noticed it. Mary bit her lower lip; she seemed to be dubitative.

"Karen, when did you have your period for the last time?"

The question actually took her aback but she nonetheless tried to give an effective reply; a fictive calendar speeding past in her head.

"It was on November, 8th."

"Okay now could you tell me what the date is today?"

She laughed in front of the ridiculousness of the question and rolled her eyes.

"Why it's December, 22nd."

The scientist nodded.

"Indeed it is… I'm glad to see that Will and you followed my bold advices."

The blonde had vaguely hesitated to say it out loud; just in case she wasn't right or even less would make some mistake, reveal a shameful secret. But she had taken a deep breath and gone for it. She wasn't afraid of crashing into a wall.

Karen blinked. She wasn't in the mood for such mysterious remarks. She felt nervous, on the edge to lose the main lines of her life if she happened to learn that she would never be able to have a child. Apparently she could though; well, she wasn't sure. It all sounded so blurry.

"I'm sorry but I don't get anything."

"Would you follow me please? Will, you can come with us this time. You might be interested in this exam."

The three of them went to the medical room behind the doctor's office. Karen laid down on the table and didn't say anything when Mary Hazel rolled up her top and turned on the screen for a ultra-sound picture. She had had so many of them already; to check the evolution of her ovaries. Vaguely watching the blurry image, she didn't pay attention; neither did Will.

"What is that?"

She leaned up on her elbows all of a sudden, looking all around as a strange sound resounded in the room. The attorney stared at the scientist, obviously as overwhelmed as the dark-haired woman. Mary hazel shook her head and made a face.

"Don't be worried, it's no big deal; just your one-month baby's heartbeats."


	29. A socalled rest

**A so-called rest**

She arched her back and gasped for air, stifling a hoarse scream then sighed heavily, her head landing back on the pillow. She swallowed hard and bit her lower lip. She could feel some drops of sweat run along her spine. She was hot under the duvet of the bed, all her senses stirred up by Will's ministrations. Her knee came to caress his head and she passed her fingers through his hair before pushing him closer to her in a staccato effect led by her breathless state. She would have never thought that he would dare but before her realizing it, she had found herself gasping, surprised by his sudden boldness and the attorney was now driving her crazy; between her legs. Her nails tried to dig holes in the mattress but she just managed to grab the sheets as the room vaguely began to spin around. She closed her eyes which only provoked a sort of multiplication of her sensations stirred up by his regular flesh-to-flesh contacts. Very slowly, his hands that had stayed until now against her hips travelled up her naked body and stopped finally by her breasts. She could feel her orgasm grow in her stomach little by little but like a record that would crash in the middle of the song, he ceased; taking her aback. She leaned up on her elbows and looked down at him, confused. Her cheeks were red and her lips swollen; her hair was a mess. The attorney smiled in front of such a sexy and exciting portrait.

"Damn, why do you stop now? You can't do that, honey; no, it's too late. You've been too far. It's a torture."

He went up to her face and captured her lips, pushing her back on the mattress. Asking definitely for more, she let her hand go between his legs and began to massage him slowly but he stopped her and broke apart, going back down through a trail of kisses.

"Jeez, you're not in a hurry Karen. Try to make it last."

"But how do you want… Oh God…"

He started his ministrations again and she abdicated, her words getting lost somewhere between her mind and the exhilaration of her senses.

It had worked out by itself like in one percent of the cases; just one percent, an infinite part of the world, almost invisible, surreal. Was she supposed to see in it a miracle or a sign that Will had to be the one? They had conceived the baby during their first night; this so awkward Saturday night when they had blushed successively in front of their new intimacy and the pleasure it had set off from their caresses. Sure she had been tired, put on weight and felt sick but it had never crossed her mind she was actually pregnant. The hormonal treatment implicated identical effects; it could have been that. Though one month later a heart was beating, some blurry point on a screen. She would be carefully followed all along the semesters, taking on a day-to-day basis hormonal pills and after her timid question having been reassured that it didn't have to slow down any specific activity related to her adults needs as she had delicately asked, she had wanted to come back straight to Will's flat and hadn't resisted. It was a high relief rocked by a sweet euphoria she had thought impossible, utopian. And now she felt alive again, ready to enjoy every single moment of her life. She had rushed in his arms and headed immediately to his bedroom.

She stepped out and walked towards the living-room slowly like half-asleep; troubled. She sat down on the couch, unaware of the fact that the blouse she had put on was slightly falling on her bare shoulder, revealing more skin than she would have wanted. She blinked and stared blankly at the wall in front of her. Grace passed the door and smiled at her but frowned. The millionaire seemed to be in shock as if a hurricane had just made her twirl around in the air before putting her back softly on the sofa. Her hair was a mess and she was half-naked; looking, knocked out, at some improbable point. The interior designer sat down next to her and grabbed her forearm.

"Are you okay, Karen?"

The dark-haired woman turned around and smiled slowly, peacefully. Her heart was still pounding loud in her chest while the dopamine released by her brain was still running along the paths of her body and she felt so fine, almost high somehow. She nodded, unable to articulate the slightest word. The mere thought of Will's ministrations on her was enough to set off a whole wave of shivers and if her friend hadn't come home yet, she would have gone back to the bedroom and started it all over again.

"Why did you not come at the office today? I tried to call you but you never answered. I must have left like thirty messages on your answering machine."

Will stepped out of his bedroom fresh from the shower and waved at her friend who immediately stood up and looked at him angrily.

"Will Truman, have you ever heard about answering my calls? I was so worried! Where were you for Christ's sake?"

"I was here, with Karen; having a rest."

"But what have you done to her? Is she on drugs or something?"

His silly grin added to the subtle and stifled giggles of the dark-haired woman made Grace narrowed her eyes. She shook her head, understanding immediately the implicit message.

"Oh my… This is so wrong for my mind…"

She headed to her bedroom, trying to push aside and forget about the allusion even though to be completely honest, she would have died asking Karen further details. How come a man with so poor experience with women could leave her in such a state? She spent the rest of the evening staring at the two of them, highly curious.

They had dinner but remained silent over the news. They had barely spoken about it yet; just a mere but nonetheless sincere 'thank you' before ending up in bed. Will and Grace laughed at a remark from Jack; she looked at them with big eyes and smiled brightly.

_Yes, I'm fine._


	30. The perfection of a day

**The perfection of a day**

She put on her cashmere cardigan and stepped out of her bedroom. She had always hated Christmas until she had met Will, Grace and Jack. It was just a cold and lonely day; boring, so long and pointless during which people seemed to be delighted by a so-called family spirit. Her father had died when she was seven; her mother had taken her away in a sort of bad road movie until then and she had always married divorced men for whom the mere concept of family rhymed with nightmare and loss of money. She had drawn a line under a biologic scheme of it but learned that friends could defend the same role to the perfection and from then on December, 24th and its acolyte 25th had turned to be as important as her own smiles. Jack was watching a lifetime while Will was putting an end to the dinner, trying to keep every single dish far from Grace's hands; in vain. She went to the Christmas tree and put down two envelopes in a furtive motion; it had to pass unnoticed.

She joined the actor on the couch but quickly got bored before the ridiculousness of the story that nonetheless kept him breathless and hooked. She didn't want to impose herself between Will and Grace. She knew way too well how both friends needed their own moments, no matter the degree of intimacy she shared with him. She stood up but went very slowly to them, a bit reluctant. The interior designer smiled at her; she relaxed, apologizing in silence that she didn't mean to steal any time from them. The attorney passed an arm around her waist and kissed her lips softly. She couldn't help but blush, taken aback by his gesture in front of his best friend. The last time they had kissed while Grace and Jack being present, they had simply got caught up. It was the morning after their first night together as a recognized couple. They hadn't dared to reproduce the gesture again.

She broke apart, looked down and cleared her voice nervously, staying in his arms though. She needed gestures of care, sweet attentions lately and with the news of her pregnancy, Will answered to her silent wishes naturally. They weren't happy but exhilarated, overwhelmed by the improbable twist that the events were adopting. Perhaps she had had enough to pay with her person and the amount of sorrow had to find back some balance with a high dose of well deserved happiness. Anything could happen though; a miscarriage wasn't to be discarded entirely, especially since she had hormonal problems but she still had been given a second chance and that was reassuring. She leaned her face against his sweater and let his scent go to her head, stopping by her heart. She wanted to make love to him right now. Pretending a pointless excuse, she grabbed his hand and went straight to the bathroom; locked the door behind them and started undressing him while kissing his neck.

"Karen, what are you doing? It's Christmas Eve. Grace and Jack are in the room next door waiting for us to start the dinner and I'm not sure it will pass unnoticed…"

She had got rid of his pants and kneeled down in front of him, making contact unexpectedly. He swallowed hard and managed to gently push her away. She looked up at him in disbelief.

"What, did I hurt you or something?"

The attorney scoffed and frowned, trying desperately to retrieve for his clothes but it only let enough time to the millionaire to come back to her last activity. He pushed her away again.

"Karen, you're not going to give me a blow-job in the bathroom!"

"Then give me one. I want to have sex; right now."

She pouted as he shook his head, overwhelmed by the abruptness of her statement. He didn't really like when she lacked feminine delicacy though this time he also had to recognize that it sounded pretty sexy and exciting. A quick glance at the door and he sighed, abdicating; grabbing her waist to sat her on the counter before getting lost in a sensual kiss.

The dinner had gone smoothly under the pale and soft shades of candles and light music. Midnight came over; they rushed to the tree, glass of champagne in hand. She hadn't taken any sip of alcohol and curiously enough it seemed to have passed unnoticed to her friends.

"I would like you to start by this one. It means a lot to me; well, to Will and I."

She tended Jack and Grace the envelopes as they were staring at her with incredulous eyes. How come a simple piece of paper could make her life? They opened it altogether, taking off of it a dark and blurry picture. Grace gasped; Jack blinked.

"When did you get the insemination? Why did you not tell us about it?"

Karen shook her head at the red-haired woman, hiding with difficulty the bright smile she had been keeping for herself two days in a row.

"I didn't get any this time. It worked out naturally."

"Oh my God…"

Grace rushed in her arms and hugged her tight, with no restraint this time. Karen could have pushed her away pretending that she was flirting scandalously with her that she didn't care at all. They finally broke apart and the millionaire's eyes got fixed on Jack who was looking in silence at the ultra-sound picture.

"Honey, is everything alright?"

He nodded in silence but didn't move. Vaguely worried she leaned over and grabbed his neck to make him look at her. It took her by surprise. She had always imagined that he would jumped around euphorically, his arms moving in grandiloquent and dramatic gestures, claiming out loud some stupidity of his; but certainly not that he would break into tears as he had actually done.

"You will be a fantastic mother, Karen Walker."

He kissed her nose before holding her frame tight against his heart.

"I'm proud of you, Karebear; so proud."


	31. Of pearls and lace

**Of pearls and lace**

She smiled but looked aside immediately, not at all interested in the discussion that Will was having with one of his colleagues. She stayed quiet, politely, and waited sagely that the unexpected meet at the corner of a street in The Village finished. For a short moment she observed the tea boxes in the window store they had stopped in front of; the rainbow of a multicolored row of metallic rectangles but all of a sudden her eyes caught up something more interesting; curious enough so that she plunged her gaze into it. She had never happened to see the image of their couple; never found herself in front of a mirror that would send back to her a reality she hadn't been able to get yet. And there she was, staring at their intertwined hands on the reflected in the window store. As much as she didn't like showing gestures of affection in public, she had a thing for hands and fingers; the fusion through which they seemed melt into each other with the grace and delicacy of a natural logic. It made her smile, charmed by the evidence that two souls had finally managed to find the balance of their lives. She pressed his tighter and caressed his skin softly; he responded, still concentrated though on the conversation with his colleague. The scene warmed up her heart, butterflies dancing in her stomach and she forgot about the passing of time.

"Karen, what are you doing? We're going to be late."

She gasped and jumped while coming back abruptly to reality, then looked at him and nodded.

"I was just contemplating how you're made for me."

He laughed and looked at her in disbelief. Her eccentricity had always made him smile; it was singular and touching, smart.

"What do you mean?"

The dark-haired woman shrugged, pretending to be surprised by such a question as if the evidence of her remark found its spring in the simplest facts of life. She didn't think it was the right time but felt it and so she passed her hand around his nape, let him bend over until her lips met his and she murmured; there, in the middle of the street. It had to be said, now.

"I love you, Will."

They kissed and it was perfect until their way too realist schedule rushed back to their minds. They broke apart and headed hand in hand to the restaurant where the attorney's parents were waiting for them.

They should have known better but the effusion of the conception of a baby and the recent beginning of their relationship had hidden all those small details that were coming back to the light of the day one after another like the announcement to their respective families. As much as it would be short for Karen, Will had to deal with more complicated aspects.

"I didn't know it was a drinking party."

Slap, right on the face; the millionaire smiled shyly at Marilyn before sitting down, next to Will. He cleared his voice and looked at Karen, ashamed of his mother's reaction. She shrugged and shook her head. _It's no big deal, honey._

"It's not, mum. This is quite more serious as a matter of fact; good news though! Don't be worried."

"Karen, do you want some wine?"

The dark-haired woman looked at George and raised her eyebrows. Her lips moved silently for a couple of seconds, looking for the right answer without sounding suspicious. It was delicate and for the very first time she also understood the kind of image she actually used to give to people. It was supposed to be funny; apparently they had missed it and taken it to the first degree. She wasn't an alcoholic.

"No, thank you; I'm going to have water."

"Why isn't Grace here, by the way?"

"This is a family lunch and well, I needed some intimacy to say that…"

He was hesitating, unsure of how to turn his sentences. The words were getting mixed in his head as his parents were staring at him with confusion. Karen had decided to remain quiet, highly fascinated by her fork.

"But Will honey, if it's a family thing then why is Karen here? You are use to choosing Grace for this kind of ceremonial reunion. Lord knows why though… She might be your best friend but not your wife either."

"We're having a baby; together."

All the gazes looked all of a sudden at Karen in disbelief; Will included. She had blurted it out without any warning and the words had sounded clear and assumed in the middle of the conversation. She grabbed his hand over the table in a motion of symbolization and nodded before repeating the news.

"Will and I are involved into a relationship and I'm pregnant so we're going to have a baby."

Marilyn blinked then leaned her chin on the palm of her hand, narrowing her eyes in front of her son.

"But Karen doesn't have a penis, Will. Do you, dear?"

She looked back at the millionaire who choked on the glass of water she had been drinking.

The cab went away and they turned around; started walking through the streets of New York. It was six in the evening and the crowd typical of Saturdays had invaded every single place of the city. She looked up at the blue sky and took a deep breath of an icy winter air before smiling at him; kissing his cheek.

"I'm dying for a pizza and a glass of Chianti."

"I think we can easily resolve the first part of your cravings. Now I'm afraid that your Italian vineyards addiction needs a break."

"I know…"

"A glass of wine per day is said to be okay though."

Karen shook her head with determination then bit her lower lip.

"There's no way I put this child in danger; not after all the things I've been through to be able to carry a baby as I do now."

The attorney tightened the grip over her hand, touched by the sincerity of her voice and the seriousness of her words.

"Your family freaks me out though, honey."

"What should I say about yours then?"

"Mine is inexistent; yours is real. Besides now that your mother knows that I'm officially bringing my own contribution to her descendants, she's euphorically thinking that I'm going to become her best friend and that is so not about to happen, Wilma. Don't take it bad because I know how she's important to you and all that jazz but… Damn you have no idea how she wants to get 'closer' to me. You know when we went to the restroom? Well she asked me way too much about your natural inclination towards women and how you must be talented in bed with me."

Observing absent-mindedly at an old lady yelling after a cop, Will nodded.

"Yeah, that's Marilyn Truman. She's kind of possessive and curious about her straight boys; that's something I'm going to miss now… She never dared to ask me anything about my gay dates and so I was completely free of that. I'm afraid she's going to catch up time with you now."

"Then I will have a double-cheese pizza; just for what you said to me, I guess I fairly deserve it."


	32. Strawberry Fields

**Strawberry fields**

Her mouth got wide opened and her eyes began to sparkle in delight. She looked at him in disbelief, speechless, as he passed the door and came to squat down in front of her with a basket full of strawberries. She picked up one immediately and slowly sucked on it before biting into the soft fruit; the juice running at the corner of her lips. They were delicious. She closed her eyes and moaned in pleasure; then sat up to make some room on the couch for him. He had probably crossed the whole Manhattan to find the object of her craving in the late December so he definitely deserved his place next to her. She grabbed his nape and leaned over for a kiss, tasting of his skin and a subtle ounce of strawberry. They broke apart but she kept on looking at him, smiling brightly. Did she actually look stupid? This sudden effusion of sweetness and love were still a bit odd, as well as this permanent feeling floating above her heart and claiming out loud that she was fine; perfectly fine.

"It's such a big cliché; the pregnant girl and the strawberries…"

She raised her eyebrows as a mock of irony played on her lips. If you had happened to ask her, she would have told you that life was simply going on as it had always done but the truth was that there wasn't any second passing by without her thinking about the baby; for the very first time her body was accepting to give life to someone and she was bewitched before it, a bit moved and completely but nonetheless quietly euphoric.

"I have to recognize that I tended to see it as a pure legend but you're demonstrating the exact opposite. Are you also going to burst into tears and the minute after laugh heartedly?"

"No, honey; I'm just going to keep on eating then say hello to a new pair of hips."

She grabbed a strawberry and made the attorney bite into it. Her fingertips brushed his lips, caressed his chin. She needed contact, feeling the heat of his body and tasting the sweetness of his smiles as soon as he looked at her. She was in love, madly in love to be more precise and it was so unexpected. She had never imagined that the strength of her heart would ever find a reason to beat so loud for someone. She had married several men and got attached to them; she must have mistaken it for real love and now she could tell that it had never happened to her before.

"Is it better with girls or boys?"

Her question made him frown but she had been thinking about it a lot lately, vaguely worried that he could get bored or simply miss gay encounters. He cleared his voice, sat up on the sofa and began to play with a strawberry, making it twirl between his fingers; then shrugged.

"It's different but I guess it's more a matter of person than sex, you know. My feelings towards my partner, male or female, are the real reason why I can enjoy both. Have you ever slept with a woman?"

For a couple of seconds she felt like giving a reply typical from the Karen Walker that everybody knew; halfway between a scandalous remark and the subtlety of her peculiar sense of humor. But she just blushed and nodded, avoiding his gaze. Why did she feel almost ashamed all of a sudden? It didn't make sense; it didn't look like her. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down her voice.

"I only did it twice."

Her confession didn't trouble him the least and he shrugged, making her eat a strawberry.

"Then you must know what I mean."

They didn't make love that night. None of them actually tried to. They weren't tired and if it hadn't been for the conversation about their past experiences, they might have ended up enjoying some bold caresses. But the reminiscence of another period of their lives seemed to have imposed a curtain of distance over their hearts; a time of adaptation to the fact they had gone through other stories previously to theirs. They simply went to bed and fell asleep in each other's arms; vaguely troubled by the prints left by their late choices.

"Karen, hurry up! We're going to be late."

She rolled on her stomach and made a face, growling before grabbing back her pillow and closing her eyes; tightening her grip on the duvet. It was a cold day; she could feel it. If she looked up at the sky through the window of her bedroom, she would see a big gray sky that instantly would send shivers to her spine and confirm her choice to remain in the warmness of her bed. But they had to go to Vermont. She tended her arms to the attorney and very slowly he took her out of bed; then made his way with her to the bathroom where she finally accepted a contact with the floor and the beginning of a new day.

Within twenty-four hours they would celebrate a new year, with a lot of meanings this time. It wasn't even about resolutions but logical facts and exciting changes. She had always had a thing for New Year's Eve and the religious preparation before the party; long hours of shopping, relaxing bathes and the final touch of mascara to match with the scene but curiously she felt melancholic for once, while she was about to get her biggest dream; as if she would simply miss the times of misfortune when the day came for her to hold her child in her arms. Would she draw a line under Karen Walker? Would she become Karen Truman, a sort of perfect wife? She couldn't picture it out at all; she didn't really want to.

She closed back her eyes as soon as the car left New York behind and leaned on Jack. She was a bit tired and felt so torn before her feelings. Why was she so scared to dare and change when obviously it couldn't but make her happy? She tried to let it go and concentrate on immediate events, the last hours of the year. They would spend them in the mountains; not at Stanley's cabin but a few miles away. Will's friend was getting married on January, 1st; probably a symbolic day for a wedding. Anyway they had been invited and it had quickly turned out to be an excellent excuse to some getaway out of the city.

They all needed to breathe and get some things completely clear.


	33. A stormy atmosphere

**A stormy atmosphere**

She lay down on the bed and looked at the blue sky through the window of the ceiling. The roads and the mountains were covered by a pure and blinding whiteness, the millions of crystals glimmering over the peculiar landscape and all of a sudden the echo of New York seemed to vanish farer; turning everything in a world of soft silence. She felt like going for a walk and listening to the crackling of the ice under her feet; drinking a hot chocolate or simply taking a deep breath of the invigorating air then realizing as it would burn her lungs that it was a real chance to be alive, to be there. Will slowly joined her and passed his hand underneath her top as he began to kiss her neck; his leg caressing her inner thigh. She couldn't help but freeze then pushed him away, a mock of shock on her face.

"Have you lost your mind? There's no door, no walls!"

The Paradise in the Clouds was an ensemble of small cabins surrounding a bigger one where the ceremony would take place, as well as any other activity offered by the place from the bar of a lounge to an indoor swimming-pool overlooking the mountains. The guests though stayed in the attributed houses all around. It sounded like a perfect idea at first sight but when the four friends had passed the doors and looked at the tiny studio they would have to share for three days in a row the spell had broken into pieces like a soufflé being taken too quickly out of the oven. Two sofas and a coffee table in front of a fireplace constituted the living room behind which a counter defined a potential kitchen with a dining table and the bathroom was upstairs in the mezzanine like the double bed that literally overlooked the flat through the stairs. While putting down her suitcase, Karen had swallowed back the slightest perspective of some romantic nights under the canopy promised by the flyer thanks to the immense window of the ceiling. Obviously Will hadn't come to identical conclusions.

He leaned up on his elbow and stared at her, astonished. He was about to reply and the words were already burning his lips when he finally just smiled and kissed her nose. Who would have thought that Karen Walker actually had such principle in the mysterious sincerity of her heart? Just to play it all along, she could have thrown some more or less scandalous remark to her friend but the limits were thin between her sense of humor and her seriousness. It was always unexpected but added sweetness to her so called nastiness and then she looked adorable, all of a sudden.

She quickly got up and adjusted her clothes, looking everywhere for a place to hang her clothes in spite of the evident absence of a closet; her own way to put an end to any further discussion about the matter. Jack poked his head and the two friends began to talk with effusion so for feeling in the way, Will decided to go downstairs where Grace was checking the contempt of the fridge; just in case they would get trapped there.

She spent the afternoon with Jack, enjoying every single second; laughing heartedly over silly things. She had missed it a lot, almost forgotten it. She blushed before the shameful realization. Life seemed to have speeded up its pace lately and she had neglected their friendship while she had always sworn to herself that she would never do such a thing. She grabbed his hand and kissed his fingers.

"I love you, Jackiebear."

Stretching her legs in the hot tub, she leaned her head backwards and closed her eyes. A soft music was playing in the background, a sort of Japanese melody just to make echo to the feng-shui spirit of the spa. She found the system a bit ridiculous but it had the credit to work out very well in spite of all.

"You're happy, aren't you?"

Her hazel eyes stopped on the actor and she looked at him with a light confusion.

"Do I look sad? I may be a bit tired but don't worry for that, honey…"

"No, I mean with Will. You seem to be happy with him, really happy."

Her tiptoes ceased their incessant coming and going around his ankles. She sat up; nodded.

"Yes I am. He's a nice person but that's something you already know."

"He told me something about you the other day. I'm not sure I should tell you or not because your potential answer remains blurry to me."

The millionaire frowned. Jack didn't use to be mysterious. It was probably the first time that he actually didn't end up his sentences giggling like a child. He looked serious and concerned. Her heart speeded up its pace as a wave of anxiety suddenly spread over her mind and she heard herself ask with a shaking voice.

"What are you talking about?"

"How far are you ready to go with him, Karen? I know you by heart and from experience I can easily say that the lack of demonstration of your feelings doesn't necessarily reflect the real importance you give to someone…"

"Jack, stop psychoanalyzing me and tell me what you know."

"I guess he wants to marry you."

The shock had been as considerable as the one of a bomb in the middle of an outdoor market on a Sunday morning. Single survivor in the middle of the ruins, she had started breathing loud but nonetheless hidden her panic for whatever matter of pride. All of a sudden the temperature of the hot tub had become unbearable and she had stood up, grabbing a towel before pacing the room; living the last hours of the year in a complete confusion.

She avoided his gaze with a subtle embarrassment and reduced the contact with his skin to a strict minimum, pretending to speak with effusion with Grace then Jack. The dinner went very well in spite of every single bite staying trapped in her throat. She was nervous, dreading the slightest moment she happened to find herself alone with him. Thankfully the two thousand guest crowd tended to reassure her and even though the lighting and decoration of the restaurant were extremely romantic, there was no chance that any proposal occurred.

She was stepping out of the restroom, walking back slowly to their table and contemplating all along the landscape through the French windows; the mountains lit up by the powerful spotlights of the cabins when his arms passing around her waist made her jump. She turned around and smiled awkwardly at him.

"Sorry I didn't want to scare you."

"It's okay; where are Jack and Grace? They're going to start wondering where we have gone to…"

She narrowed her eyes and scanned the room. People were laughing and discussing lightly, ready for the countdown.

"Karen I want to tell you something."

She swallowed hard and looked at him reluctantly, distrustfully. She didn't say a word; anyway her voice seemed to have gone away at the same time as the meaning of her life. The attorney took a deep breath. How could he remain so calm?

"Things have been going really fast lately between you and I. Precipitation isn't good though I know where I'm going to with you and I'm sure it's the right thing; the best decision of my life. I can't even believe you came to look at me and accepted to make my dreams come true. You must be my guardian angel, Karen. That's why I'm about to ask you…"

She had been touched by his words; that was the truth. It didn't sound prepared at all. His sentences were sweet but lacked self-confidence and it made them even more beautiful. In the background the countdown began; she frankly panicked. She looked, terrified, how his hand was going into the pocket of his jacket. She shook her head and made a step backwards.

"Karen, do you…"

"I don't want to marry you. I'm sorry…"

They froze as the fireworks of the village began to light up the sky and the music of the room got mixed with the shrieking and happy voices of the guests. They remained apart like in a very cold dream unless it was just a nightmare or the end of their story.


	34. Resolutions

**Resolutions**

He was looking at her with an unreadable expression in his eyes. Did he seem to be perplexed? She swallowed hard as her lips began to shake. She had been horrible with him, barely believing that she had dared to ruin one of the most important moments of his life. She knew from experience how difficult a proposal was and she had just thrown him away, breaking into pieces of ridiculousness the idea that had been growing in his head; nourishing his heart hopefully. She felt sorry all of a sudden and wished nothing but dying at the scene to make people forget about her and the nastiness of her persona. She didn't deserve to be happy and even less with Will. He blinked and slowly shook his head, almost apologizing. For a couple of seconds she thought about running away but then realized that she was in the middle of Vermont and her high heels wouldn't go very far in the thick snow so she painfully decided to assume her words. After all she had been sincere; no matter how harsh it had sounded. It was the truth; she didn't want to marry him or better said to get married again. It had never worked out and to be completely honest, it was something she could easily live without unless she kept on evolving and something stirred up an old dream made of white dresses and platinum rings.

"Oh Karen, how to say that…"

She suddenly frowned while looking back at his hands. He wasn't holding any velvet box from Tiffany's but a key; just a mere piece of metal. She felt the red rush to her cheeks. Had she really been wrong? If so Jack would never happen to see the light of this new year.

"What is that, honey?"

She timidly motioned the key, dreading the reply he was about to give. Will cleared his voice, looking for his words. Obviously he had been taken aback by her anticipation and had difficulties now to deal with the way their conversation had abruptly turned in.

"Well I was about to ask you if you would accept it… This is the key of my bedroom; not that I ever lock it but you know, it's kind of symbolic. I just wanted to say that you could stop by as long and as often as you felt like to."

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry…"

A smile played on his lips in a sweet motion of curiosity and amusement.

"You really thought that I was about to propose you?"

She didn't reply, just looked away and raised her eyebrows; trying to sound exasperated. She failed and shrugged, biting her lower lip.

"I don't know… It sounded like to, yes; somehow…"

She reluctantly locked her eyes with his when he grabbed her hand and prepared himself for a reply she didn't want to hear at all. It would be tiring and emotionally hard; it wasn't the right time for that.

"I will never ask you to marry me. It didn't even cross my mind because I know it's not what you're willing and to be honest, I can't picture myself at any altar; or at least not now, maybe one day, who knows? After all I had never imagined that I would ever become so intimate with you. I'm not ready for a wedding. I'm sorry."

"What do you apologize for? I told you that I didn't want to marry you…"

He didn't answer; passed his tongue on his lips and looked down. He knew her better than she would have wanted and was perfectly getting the fact she couldn't help but be a little hurt by his own refusal; as much as she didn't want to get married, it was still a bit hard to accept the partner's identical idea, for some ironic reason.

"Good night you two… Damn Karen, it's three in the morning, how can you read a magazine at this hour?"

Grace leaned on the wall of the bathroom, closing back the door behind her. She was about to go downstairs, being the last one to have used the tiny room just next to Will and Karen's double bed and she couldn't but simply pass through the place that was supposed to served as a bedroom if she wanted to get back to her own bed in front of the fireplace. The millionaire was leaned on her side, leafing through the last edition of Vogue from the depths of the duvet while the attorney seemed to be highly concentrated on the mechanism of his watch. People did have odd activities at these hours of the morning.

"I always need to read something before falling asleep, Gracie. If I don't then you can be sure I won't have a proper rest."

With it she closed the publication and smiled furtively at the interior designer before taking off her glasses and laying on her back. The red-haired woman left and they turned off the light very soon, cuddling against each other. They could hear their friends' voices downstairs, just the tone of a light conversation but which meaning remained in the depths of an incomprehensible world for them being too far. Then the whole cabin plunged in the dark. It took her a couple of seconds before making the first move. Her hand passed underneath his shirt and she began to caress his chest while kissing his neck with a mischievous insistence. She saw him shake his head and frown before her behavior; he murmured.

"I thought you didn't want to do anything here."

"Why, I changed my mind and I want you to make love to me; now."

"What if they come here? The toilets are just next door…"

She rolled her eyes and sighed then passed on top of him; leaned over.

"Damn stop thinking, Will. Shut up and kiss me."

He did.


	35. A sweet whiteness attraction

**A sweet whiteness attraction**

The cabin was still silent, rocking peacefully the first hours of the new year with a canopy of sweet dreams and restful sleep. Growing in impatience, Grace finally decided to get up, glancing furtively at Jack who was laid on the couch opposite hers. The sun was shining brightly, passing through the windows in a warm embrace and gave thus to the place the vague sentiment of a familiar and cozy atmosphere in spite of the basic elements that constituted it. She froze while grabbing the banister, looking up at the mezzanine. For a couple of seconds the red-haired woman hesitated, dreading the idea that she could walk in on Will and Karen. Taking a deep breath, she climbed the stairs slowly then poked her head; rolling her eyes, sighing almost heavily as she saw them still asleep. The millionaire was huddled up against the attorney's chest and had pushed away the duvet for whatever reason, revealing a large part of her naked back. Their absence of clothes suddenly hit Grace's mind and while restraining a mock of embarrassment, Karen, her, began to move, rubbing her eyes; coming back little by little to reality.

"Good morning, Miss Walker…"

The unexpected murmur made the dark-haired woman jump; turn her face around. She pushed away a strand of hair from her face and nodded, apparently still far in her half-asleep mind that brought to her eyes a blurry but nonetheless smooth reality. Grace quickly looked up at the ceiling when Karen came to rest on her back to keep on stretching her legs and arms.

"Damn, you're not wearing any top."

The millionaire looked down immediately and grabbed the duvet, trying to hide the blush creeping on her cheeks as Grace took advantage of it to step into the bathroom. The sudden movement woke up Will and he turned around to kiss Karen's neck, passing an arm around her waist. Feeling her tensed body against his, he opened his eyes quickly and frowned.

"Are you okay?"

"I knew better days."

His fingertips began to caress her lower stomach playfully but she scoffed and pushed him away then picked up her négligée.

"Don't touch me, Will!"

He put her sudden rejection under some hormonal effect and the simple fact he was after all dealing with Karen who knew very well about being moody and surprisingly eclectic in her day-to-day choices.

What was it that it made every single woman stare at it in a motion of pure fascination, bewitched by the fluid movements of the dress that seemed to be floating in the air with the grace of an angel? She had never given into the hysteria of some girls; talking about nothing but it, dreaming incessantly about the bouquet and venerating traditional clichés. She had even already had the leading role three times and had passed by the whole panel of feelings that such an event used to stir up in a life but she never got over it. She hid a smile as the bride went up the altar, devouring with jealous eyes the perfection of the hairdo; the elegance of the dress and all of a sudden the fragility of a tiny frame took all its strength and meaning in the feminine curve of a neck; the nervousness of a wedding.

Will turned around from the altar where he was staying as a best man and she winced at him.

"How come I have never happened to see any of your wedding pictures?"

She looked at Jack, taken aback by the remark. Narrowing her eyes, she let a few seconds fly away, looking for an explanation but it resulted that she didn't have a proper one. She shrugged.

"I don't know, honey. I will show them to you when we go back to the city…"

"No thanks; I will be in front row for your next ceremony."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, falsely exasperated by her friend's comment.

"We're not getting married! Now shut up and let me enjoy this wedding. I don't want to miss the kiss."

"You're so girlie…"

"No, I'm feminine."

She didn't hide her disappointment as the waiter tended her a glass of orange juice. It sounded like a frustrating demotion, a shameful one. From all the adults present in the lounge, she was the only one who shared the sad drink similarity to the children running all around; no matter she had forgotten about her twenties for a quite a while yet. In a subtle motion to prevent the guests from seeing that she wasn't holding a glass of champagne, she made her way to Will who was speaking with Grace over the size of the cake.

"The party is quite boring but the ceremony was lovely. Is there any way for me to sit down? I'm tired."

Her hazel eyes scanned the room but the lounge only had tables with hors d'oeuvres and bottles of wine; people staying up on their feet, waiting for the next move to the restaurant. Will grabbed her arm instinctively and frowned, worried. The slightest remark over some fatigue tended to make him panic; his reaction was sweet but annoying. She swallowed back a sharp reply and smiled forcefully at him.

"I'm not going to pass out either. My back sore a little, that's all."

She joined a face to the gesture of her hand coming to rest on her lower back while balancing on her feet on the heights of her high heels. Her dress was also a bit tight; not that she had put on weight because of her pregnancy but the hormonal treatment she was still following and would until the birth. She needed to be constantly stimulated to have a chance to lead to the end the perfect evolution of her baby. Feeling a light tension between her two friends, Grace changed the subject of the conversation, wishing nothing but avoid a fit in the middle of a wedding.

The meal went very well and the audacity of a sudden and unexpected comfort made Karen multiply gestures of attention towards Will. There was something soft in the fact to be in love at a wedding; a sort of quiet but nonetheless hopeful wish to show that we weren't alone and also knew about the joy brought up by a smile, a stolen kiss. She stopped counting the times when her hand made contact with his shoulder, his leg, his fingers. Then later in the evening, as the night would have fallen back over the mountains in a religious silence, she would let the words escape without any restraint while walking back to their cabin.

"If I ever marry again, I want it to be like this day. It was perfect."


	36. Your lips on my wrist

**Your lips on my wrist**

She sighed and leaned her head on a side as he began to kiss her neck with a regular soft pace. She wouldn't have been able to say why or how but all of a sudden her life had sounded quieter, logical and bright. She had looked all around and smiled before the troubling realization. She had found her balance that day between the exhilaration of the newly-weds and her own perspectives; those changes that had to come and were already taking care of her dreams. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pushed him closer to her, sliding in the bathtub. His hand caressed her hip; she tightened her grip on his head.

"I love you, Will."

The whisper flirted with her lips furtively before getting lost in a stifled moan as his kisses went down her arms until he finally arrived on her wrist; the left one. She shivered a little, swallowing back the brief discomfort and waited impatiently for the next move. If he stayed there too long anyway she would go for him then capture his lips back. She didn't like when someone touched her there; barely accepted her own contact with this inch of pale skin. Tomorrow they would go for a walk and enjoy the limpid blue sky of Vermont on a sunny day when the air is invigorating and you feel your cheeks get embraced by it. It smells of coldness and long winter afternoons spent with some relatives before heading back home while the night is slowly falling. Then you cuddle on the couch in front of the fireplace and let the hours fly by as if the passing of time didn't matter anymore.

"Karen, what is it?"

The sudden question made her come back straight to reality and she looked at him before taking away from his sight her wrist. For how long had he been observing it? Her fantasy about the next day had taken her very far and she had forgotten about his lips against her veins.

"What are you talking about? Why did you stop kissing me? This day is perfect honey so don't ruin it with any of your questions."

She regretted the vague sharpness of her reply immediately.

"I mean… I don't want to speak, Will. I just need to feel you against me. This is all what I'm wishing for right now."

Her eyes began to shine unless it was just the water of the bath and the drops running down her face. She didn't look sad; no, simply honest. The attorney nonetheless frowned, curious about this stretch mark he hadn't noticed before.

"Is it a scar?"

"Damn Will, have you heard what I have just said to you? I don't want to talk and even less about that. You're going to ruin it all…"

This time she had started sobbing, looking all around for an escape but the truth was that she was trapped under him. She leaned her forehead on the back of her hand but splashed the water in frustration as she realized that she had put her wrist right in front of her eyes.

"Hey, it's okay Karen. I'm sorry I didn't want to…"

"I tried to cut my veins when I was fourteen. I failed and that's why I have this scar now on my wrist. We all do stupid things, don't we? Are you satisfied now? Well excuse me but I need to get out of here."

She began to push him away and for a couple of seconds she managed to release herself from his embrace but he suddenly came back to reality, grabbed her hand and kissed her hungrily as the tears were slowly making their way to their lips. She broke apart and locked her eyes with his, trying to ignore her own cries.

"I'm not depressive… I was just unhappy but now I'm fine. I don't like speaking about it; that's all."

It had been a lovely day led by the spell of a wedding and the hopes it stirred up in everyone's heart. She wasn't mad at Will; his question had been fair enough as a matter of fact. She just wished she would have never got this scar reminding her every single second of her life that she had once wanted to die. She gave a start as his lips made contact with her past injury. She tried to get out of his touch but he tightened his grip and cupped her face with his other hand; then shook his head.

"I'm glad you didn't get it. What would my life have been if I hadn't met you? You're the reason why I breathe."

She didn't say a word but tried to deal with the meaning of such a declaration and the weight of her reluctant confession. She had always been the first one to laugh at burning words of love from some so-called romantic men but it was the first time that they had been addressed to her and to be completely honest, it changed a lot of things. That's why she didn't smile or roll her eyes but simply eased her cries in the languor of his caresses and let him make love to her with the delicacy of love; forgetting little by little the odd parenthesis about an old failure of hers.

They finished the evening in front of the fireplace, speaking lightly around a hot chocolate. She didn't hide anything and enjoyed for once the heat of Will's arms around her shoulders; the comforting presence of his chest against her. Something had got broken, an embarrassment she hadn't known how to deal with until it had finally gone away by itself and now she felt relieved, accepting to show demonstration of care towards the attorney. And now matter what people would say or think Life was too short anyway; so fragile…

She gulped down her hormonal pills, took a sip of water, put down the bottle on the floor next to the bed and rolled on her stomach; closed her eyes. Will began to play with her fingers, intertwining them with his and then it turned all dark, succumbing to her dreams. The last thing she knew was that she was smiling, peacefully.


	37. The peculiarity of our roots

**The peculiarity of our roots**

"I'm going to have a child."

She had intentionally avoided a similarity of vocabulary related to the family and even more any kind of association between the baby she was carrying and the woman sitting down in front of her at some cozy restaurant in Hell's Kitchen. The biologic connection was enough to make Karen feel like protecting her own children from her mother's irresponsible experiences for having had no choice but go through it herself for way too many years. If Will hadn't insisted, she would have stayed quiet over her pregnancy. She didn't use to see Lois a lot so it would have been easier to hide it from her but the attorney had put pressure on her shoulders, finding out effective arguments and she had abdicated in spite of her fears. Her first intention wasn't selfish or supposed to be mean; on the contrary. If there was something she didn't want to repeat and make someone live, it was her own childhood and the weight of adults' bad choices that had ended up determining her insecurities.

"Oh my God, I'm going to have a grandchild…"

She smiled forcefully and began to move on her seat. She wasn't comfortable at all; her nervousness was becoming more and more evident before such an effusion of sentiments between a mother and her daughter while they had nothing in common and had learned to live on separated ways for a very long time now. She cleared her voice and sighed heavily, vaguely looking at the waiter from the corner of her eyes but he didn't seem to pay attention and the glass of water she had just ordered wasn't about to be served.

"Who is the father?"

Lois had leaned over the table, suddenly highly curious. Karen pouted and frowned. The question was fair enough though; she had to recognize it. She passed her hand on her nape before shrugging, vaguely embarrassed. She wasn't ashamed of Will but people who knew about him would always be surprised when she happened to say it to them and so she would have to face a whole series of exhausting questions that flirted with the indecency of the human's mind.

"It's Will; you know, Grace's friend."

Her mother blinked analyzing the information she had just been given. Naturally she looked a bit perplexed and if her lips began to move, she nonetheless didn't come up with any remark about it, just went on.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, we are happy. It has been quite difficult to make this pregnancy possible so… I'm only two-month pregnant; it's still fragile, especially in my case and that's why I'm taking them."

She shook the bottle of pills before taking a couple of them. Her joy sounded artificial, forced. She couldn't see her mother as a confident; it didn't work out for some obvious reasons. She would probably never trust her enough for that; not after all the things she had had to live.

"What are you talking about? Are you sick?"

"No, I'm not. I just have some little problems."

"You're following a hormonal treatment, Karen. Don't lie to me. Those pills are strong; it's not just 'little problems'. They're used in cases of infertility."

She looked at her mother, speechless and overwhelmed by her reply. She was about to ask her further details but Lois answered even before her doing it.

"I know that because I had to take them too; or you wouldn't be here today."

She came back home immediately after lunch, giving Grace a call to tell her that she needed to rest. The door got slammed and she rushed to the bathroom, taking off her shoes and clothes all along then stepped quickly in the shower and let the hot water comfort her; reassure her quick heartbeats. The conversation hadn't turned out as she had imagined and her mother's confession had had the same effect as a sudden lack of air, oppressing her lungs in a silent but painful way. She had always thought that she had been an accident, certainly not a sort of miracle supported by science. How many times had people made her understand that she was nothing but a weight in their lives, an obstacle to a proper happiness?

_Hi, I'm not here but leave a message and I will call you back later._

"Kiki, it's me. Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you but obviously I did and… Damn I'm so fed up… Please, accept my apologies; for everything."

The millionaire's fingers brushed the answering machine as she listened for the fourth time her mother's voice sounding weak in the background. Was she crying or sobbing? Her breath was short and her voice a bit shaking. She suspended her gesture in the air, just for a couple of seconds before finally deleting the message angrily. She would have loved turning the page and forgiving her mother but deep inside herself the burning prints left by her injuries prevented her from doing it.

_According to recent studies, a seventy per cent of infertility cases seem to find a correspondence within the family. Current investigation are working on the eventuality of hereditary causes since the majority of interviewed women affirmed having a relative, mother or grandmother, that suffers from the same pathology. _

She remembered the article perfectly but she hadn't really paid attention to it; barely tried to wonder if she could fit in this category. She had seen her mother pregnant, twice, and she had no memory of some struggle, appointments to the clinic and an eternal hormonal treatment; unless she had been hidden this part of the story, for whatever reason, a protective one maybe.

She didn't say a word about it to Will when she saw him in the evening. She was confused, unsure of what she was supposed to think but the worst of all was that she felt closer to her mother now and it made her sick.


	38. A submarine world of life

**A submarine world of life**

It looked so different once you had crossed the lines and managed to defy the rules of science and you were pregnant. The constant nervousness that used to grab your throat while the seconds were passing by slowly in the waiting room had been substituted by a quiet and peaceful time dedicated to nothing in particular but the impatience to see it back, on the screen. The silence of the place suddenly got filled by some fast and regular beats as a blurry image appeared on the machine from the depths of an unknown world. It was magical, completely surrealist and so moving. It had nothing to do with the hopeless sign of a terrifying blood sample. She stood up and almost apologized to the other patients for the smile playing on her lips; then entered Doctor Hazel's office.

She remembered that the sky was blue that morning and it was probably time for a recess at the school next door because she could hear children's voices, their laughs rocking warmly her soul. She felt fine, serene and happy while staring dreamingly at the white ceiling. The contact with the gel was fresh but not completely unpleasant either. She took a deep breath and bit the inside of her mouth. She had been waiting this moment for so long, imagining in the quietness of her head thousands of different scenarios more or less probable; then slowly wondered why she would never live it as the words 'biologically unfit' had been thrown on her face without any warning. Her fantasies had taken some distance, flirted with the limits of reality and now she was there, at last.

"It's rather unbelievable…"

Mary Hazel smiled before the millionaire's remark, raised her eyebrows and nodded.

"Do you have morning sickness?"

"I have difficulties to deal with the smell of coffee but as I live alone and only drink tea, it's not a problem in itself."

"I thought you had moved in with Will…"

The dark-haired woman looked at her scientist with a mock of disbelief but the professional was way too concentrated on the monitor to notice it. Her tone of voice had been delicate and calm as if she had just exposed a fact of life; some logical remark.

"Anyway, it looks like the evolution of the foetus is going well; right weight, right height."

"It's not a multiple pregnancy, is it? I know it can happen after an hormonal stimulation…"

"No it's not; you're giving life little by little to an only child. Do you want a copy of the ultra-sound picture?"

"Sure, I do."

"Do you suffer from dizzy spells or a sudden and unexpected loss of energy?"

Karen frowned, a bit anxious before all these enumerated effects; her heart began to beat faster and the echo got lost through the machine; she blushed.

"No, I'm a bit tired in the evening or if I stay up on my feet for too long. My back sore by then but that's all."

Grace grabbed the picture and narrowed her eyes. She let a sigh of frustration escape before her incapacity to see the slightest thing on it but nonetheless put it down on her desk with care; in a respectful motion. Her fingertips brushed a white mass in the middle of a dark submarine world and she wondered why ultra-sound pictures couldn't be as clear as any traditional photograph.

"How is it, Karen? Can you feel it?"

The millionaire hid an amused smile before shaking her head and shrugging.

"No you can't feel anything. It's kind of frustrating though because your body is changing under the influence of some invisible entity who doesn't stop playing with your metabolism. It's weird."

"So your stomach hasn't changed; not even vaguely…"

Growling in exasperation before the interior designer's curious embarrassment, Karen stood up and grabbed her friend's hand, putting it on her stomach; going from right to left.

"See, there's nothing. I have put on weight everywhere and right now I'm dying for tomato chips…"

"Tomato chips; what is that?"

"What I know? It's a craving! Damn try to follow what I'm saying, Gracie…"

"But you're happy, aren't you? You've never looked so fine, so light."

Why did she always blush as soon as people began to talk about something as evident and natural as happiness? It wasn't a fault or even less a shameful feeling. She hated so much when her mind prevented her from accepting a mere and common idea shared by the rest of the society since forever. Why was she so troubled to express the fact that she did have feelings? She cleared her voice and looked down as ridiculously as a little girl who would dread her parents' angry gaze.

"It means a lot to me, you know; really a lot."

"Why have you never told us about it?"

The sentence reached her with the strength of regret and the bitterness of her silence and for the very first time in her life the dark-haired woman felt entirely guilty; responsible before her friends' pain, as slight as it probably was. She frowned and opened her mouth to reply; the words vanished between her throat and her lips in a whirl of impossible confession. The interior designer smiled, confused.

"It's okay, Karen. We all have secrets…"

"I just thought that you wouldn't be interested; nobody ever really cared about me. It's fair though if we consider how I barely pay attention to people's feelings."

Grace blinked, weighing the words she would employ for her reply and finally mocked, putting a hand on her hip like a big mama from Louisiana, defending her acres.

"Why, I'm sorry ma'am but as much as it bothers you I do think you're extremely important to me. Now come here."

She laughed, relieved, in her friend's embrace and closed her eyes. It was good to be able to rely on someone from time to time. The red-haired woman broke apart and took back the ultra-sound picture.

"Now give me a whole lecture about it; I can't even see the head."


	39. Promise me

**Promise me**

She cupped his face with her hand and leaned over, capturing his lips in a chaste kiss. Ella Fitzgerald reached a high note, a pure moment of rare talent that made Karen shiver as she succumbed to the sweet rhythm playing in the background. Jazz; even the sound of the word seemed to caress the air with the vivacity of youth, absorbing in a final murmur the silky softness of the tongue making contact with the teeth in the last letters. She had always had a thing for it. The fusion of the saxophone with the strength of a voice embraced the shades of a unique moment. She asked for more; he responded and passed his hand around her waist as they deepened the kiss. Jack entered the living-room and broke the spell involuntarily. Clearing her voice and adjusting her clothes, the millionaire sat up on her chair and looked back at the papers spread over the table, waiting for Will to do alike.

"Hey Karen I need one of your bras."

Concentrated on the contracts, the dark-haired woman nodded without looking at the actor. She frowned, her chin leaned against the palm of her hand, then whispered almost absent-mindedly.

"My bag is on Will's bed. Enjoy your time."

"Thank you…"

A bit confused, the attorney stared at Jack go away towards his bedroom as if his last request had been as natural as asking a waiter a glass of water.

"Why does he need your bra for?"

"What I know, honey? As long as he doesn't damage it, it's okay for me."

Will didn't reply, way too much lost before the tortuous connections that defined Jack and Karen's friendship. He might have been close to Grace but the two of them never shared the improbable and absurd dialogues that the millionaire used to have with the actor.

"What does Stanley own in The Cayman Islands?"

Obviously taken aback by such a question, his role of attorney came back instinctively and he put in parenthesis the thoughts about his friends and the image of Jack picking up one of Karen's bras. The dark-haired woman was holding a paper with a series of numbers on it, approved by the logo of some bank. He frowned.

"Show me… He never spoke to you about an account out there?"

"No and I don't like that at all because we both know what it means. We do have money in Switzerland but I don't even know this bank and… Look, transactions have be made within a week; important amounts besides. As much as I love my dear green bill, I don't want to get into troubles because of my late husband and several millions of dollars going around without my authorization. I'm not a big fan of unknown bank accounts in fiscal paradises."

A heavy silence suddenly spread over the living-room, a disturbing one. Will did appreciate Karen's unexpected semi-craze for legal actions; as a matter of fact she had never done more than flirting with the lines of light offenses but when the situation became more serious, she dropped out her so-called carefree attitude and backed in retreat, accepting the law in a religious motion. He shook his head after a couple of seconds, unable to give her a proper explanation.

"I don't know… He never told me about it either and there's no name of any company on this paper; anything."

"When did you get it?"

"I don't know. Stanley's assistant or whoever is in charge of the mail for Walker Inc. sends everything to my office once a week. I will have a look at that when…"

Grace entered the flat with Mary Hazel and a man who was carrying Zoe in his arms. Karen frowned and realized all of a sudden that the interior designer might have told her about a dinner with her client to speak over the final touches for the nursery room. She stood up and smiled at the guests, as well as Will.

"This is my husband, James."

The man smiled back and laughed lightly, motioning the sheets of paper spread all over the table.

"I didn't know I would come here to work tonight. I'm a fiscal agent."

Will swallowed hard as Karen made an instinctive step backwards. As pale as a ghost, she leaned on the table, hiding with her hand the paper from The Cayman Islands. James leaned over warmly.

"I'm kidding. Well, I am a fiscal agent but I see enough numbers during the day so unless you need some help or advice…"

"No it's okay thank you very much now Grace how about you speak over your last sketches on the couch while Karen and I clean it up all?"

Will's reply had come out as fast as some twister tongue but his obvious discomfort in presence of the fiscal agent, so close to a potential illegal bank account evidence, got lost in Zoe's tiny voice and everybody looked at her in owe.

_You had promised me that I would never hear from you again; that I would be safe, no matter what you decide to do or go to. That's why I didn't ask you any detail and you didn't give me the slightest one. We both knew that I had understood. I don't know what you have done in order to need to rush away so quickly. Don't take it bad but I will always prefer to ignore it. Your silence was supposed to be protective; this mere concept is enough to scare me because you would clearly have not said that for a couple of millions. I accepted the deal, as if I had any choice… I lied for you, do you ever realize that? I did because I trusted you; you and your promises that it would be better like that and I didn't deserve to pay for you. Then why do you come back like that, now? Be careful, for Christ's sake! The Cayman Islands… This is such a cliché! I thought you were smarter; honestly, I really thought you were. Take care of you though because from then on I will never again support you, for anything. It's over. Your children miss you; I don't. I'm too angry for that… You make me sick, Stanley._

She jumped as Will passed his hands over her shoulders and planted a kiss on her neck.

"What are you thinking about? You look hurt somehow."

Karen turned her face and smiled at the attorney who had sat down behind her in bed while she was just vaguely leaned on the edge of the mattress; halfway between the coldness of the evening and the warmness of a reassuring duvet. She narrowed her eyes mysteriously but added a sweet smile to it to comfort Will's worries.

"This is an old story, honey; a matter of promises… I guess I have lost a dear enemy."


	40. Look what you've done

**Look what you've done**

Her ankles shivered as a whirl of cold wind embraced them, passing underneath her hoses in a subtle but nonetheless effective motion. She huddled up against herself, tightened her grip on her coat and crossed the street. She wasn't in a hurry but the usual self-confidence of her steps and the whole weight of her body resulted enough. She didn't see the block of shiny water that had turned into a fine and dangerous ice. She slid on it and fell down heavily, putting an instinctive hand on her side in order to absorb the shock then made a face, torn by the pain. A few seconds passed by before her finally looking all around, making sure that nobody had witnessed such an embarrassing moment. She started standing up and it's only when she finally found back the firmness of a secured ground that she realized she was bleeding; the hot liquid running down her legs. She swallowed hard and frankly began to panic this time.

Grace looked at her watch for the twentieth time within a minute and sighed, exasperated. The millionaire was late. She had promised her to come to the office early enough to prepare a presentation but she hadn't arrived yet. Trying to concentrate on the sketch of a living-room, the interior designer bit her lower lip and prevented thus from swearing between her teeth against her so-called assistant. Why had she chosen her over like a dozen of other women? She had been seduced by her aura, jealousy bewitched by the easiness with which Karen seemed to evolve. She would have loved having the same self-confidence as her, perched on high heels and looking at the world as if she wasn't afraid of anything. The phone rang; she grabbed it absent-mindedly.

"Grace Adler design… Damn where are you?"

She rushed through the corridors of the hospital and made the door of the bedroom fly open then looked at Karen, leaning on the frame; breathless. The dark-haired woman timidly smiled and waved at her with a bandaged wrist and a bruise on her cheek. Very slowly Grace made her way to the bed. She looked terrified.

"What happened to you?"

"I've slid on a sort of ice puddle. I have a sprained wrist and bad bruises on my stomach."

"Oh my God, are you okay? I mean are you and the baby okay?"

"I'm waiting for the results of some medical exams because I started bleeding but the ultra-sound picture didn't show anything wrong. So yes, technically we are both fine."

"Have you called Will?"

Karen passed her tongue over her lips, looking down at the floor; narrowing her eyes as if she was weighing the importance of her answer.

"No I haven't and I would appreciate if you could stayed quiet over it. I don't want him to get worried about me when obviously, everything is alright. He has a lot of work at the office and he's enough stressed like that…"

"How are you going to hide your bruises from him, and your wrist?"

"I always say that our coffee maker is heavy… Let's just say that I twisted my wrist too violently. For the bruises it's okay too; I have a tendency to get one very easily."

Grace blinked, staring at Karen blankly. How could she find out a lie so quickly? She was about to reject the millionaire's devilish plan but the scientist came in at that moment to confirm that both mother and child were okay but a rest would be more than welcome for the next hours. The dark-haired woman's face lit up and she abdicated, turning into silence what she would now call an incident.

"Karen, did you actually called an ambulance?"

The dark-haired woman raised an eyebrow in disbelief then scoffed.

"You really think that I would have chosen a public hospital on my own?"

Grace laughed and nodded, recognizing implicitly that it was a very low probability. She grabbed her friend's arm and hailed a cab.

"How about we stop by a Starbucks? You have to rest and I want to eat some muffins; and drink a hot chocolate too."

"I thought you had some work…"

"Well, that was before my assistant threw herself in a bad impersonation of Holiday on Ice."

She bit into a double-chocolate muffin happily. The truth was that she was hungry. Anxiety always stirred up a tension that, once released, found its way in food; and alcohol but she had drawn a line under this comforting solution. Grace looked at her with an amused smile before shaking her head.

"I would have never thought that I would see the day you would throw yourself on some pastries…"

"Well personally I would have never thought that I would see the day that I would be expecting Will's baby."

She regretted her remark almost immediately; not that it was a taboo but she had never spoken properly about it with her friend. She didn't feel comfortable before it, the situation was too weird. She hid her gaze in the deep contemplation of her mug, ashamed and angry against herself.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"Why do you apologize? It's the truth and I'm sure most of people who know you both would have never come to such conclusion either."

It was probably not the right place for it as the lack of intimacy was obvious but she nonetheless let it go; for whatever reason.

"You hated me when you learned about Will and me, didn't you?"

Grace gasped and frowned, taken aback. She blinked a couple of times, a bit disoriented by the question while Karen was simply wondering if she would answer by a lie.

"Yes I did, for a couple of seconds. Well, to be completely honest I'm not sure it was hatred though I did wonder why, one more time, he went to choose another woman. No matter I'm not in love with him, it's a protective instinct. I can't really help it. But then I saw his eyes and the way they were sparkling… I knew from then on that it wasn't just a fling and that he was lucky; he had made the right choice. You're a wonderful person, Karen. You can hide it as much as you want but you are."

The millionaire raised her eyebrows and pouted.

"I'm touched; thank you, honey…"

The red-haired woman nodded and took a sip of her so desired hot chocolate then leaned over as a mischievous flame lit up her eyes.

"So now let's talk about men. It's pure curiosity but damn, tell me how he is."

Karen began to giggle, vaguely embarrassed. She was hot all of a sudden and she would have bet one million dollar that her cheeks had turned red. She cleared her voice, her fingers playing with her mug.

"Well, you mean…"

"Oh come on, you know what I mean; in bed, of course! How was your first time? We both know that I found myself in a similar situation though you went until the end; I didn't."

The millionaire made a face but sighed, putting an end to her hesitation; rolled her eyes.

"Jeez it was awkward; so awkward. We didn't dare to look at each other. As soon as I touched him or he did as well, I couldn't help blushing. It was a nightmare; a sweet one though, a very sweet one. With the passing of time we learned to overcome the fact that he was Will and I was Karen but sometimes I still find myself surprised and vaguely embarrassed as if our friendship had settled down special bases that we would never be able to deal with properly. "

"It's cute… Yes, I guess it is. But now tell me if he's a good lover or not."

"Why, do you really think that I would stay with a guy who doesn't satisfy me? Oh, come on, Gracie… Who are you kidding?"

Karen laughed forcefully and took another bite of her muffin.

"Okay so Will is… I don't know, he's sweet and always guesses what I'm willing for. I don't need to tell him or show him what I want. He's attentive and curiously enough knows what turns a woman on; how to drive her crazy unless he knew me better than we all used to think."

She let him stroke her hair this evening while he was preparing the meal. Grace winced at her from the couch, she smiled before closing her eyes; enjoying the delicacy of his fingers on her skin. Then she simply forgot about the slight pain of her sprained wrist.


	41. Someone behind the clouds

**Someone behind the clouds**

She felt it come slowly from her stomach to her eyes, boiling in her veins like a torrent of rage that all of a sudden got the unexpected shapes of sorrow and she began to cry. She had learned throughout the years to hide her pain, swallow back her tears or at least reduce them to silence; the invisibility of their prints only found a reflection into the heaviness of a thousand of regrets. But she kept on living though; so if it hadn't killed her yet, it was probably less dangerous than what she used to think. The day she had elaborated such a conclusion, she had closed the doors to her heart and become a grown-up woman that very soon everyone would dread; and admire too somehow. She sat lightly on the edge of the bed, looking blankly at the hardwood floor where she had previously let fall down a magazine in an innocent and joyful motion; just a couple of minutes before. And now she was there, shaking angrily in a perfect silence. Will put a hand on her shoulder but froze under the icy tone of her extremely low voice.

"Don't touch me."

She closed her eyes and shook her head, wishing they could come backwards and erased it unless she was even luckier and she could start her life all over again. It wouldn't happen twice.

"I can't believe you invited her without asking me before. Damn you know I hate her!"

Her fist hit the mattress as she turned around, restraining a face for having used her sprained wrist. Her lips were moist with tears and a strand of hair had got stuck to them. Her complexion was livid and her eyes were red; her features so deep. She looked devastated.

"Karen I know you're angry but don't say things that you could regret then… She's still your mother."

"We had a car wreck once, a serious one. A truck didn't see us slow down and we fell into a sort of ravine. I broke my leg; she plunged in a coma. And during all this time she was still unsurely alive, I wished nothing but her death. You have no idea what she made me live or do; you don't know what happened when she used to leave in the middle of the night and there was nobody but me and… Well you know; her 'guys'."

Will sat down next to her as his heart began to pound louder before the millionaire's insinuations. He passed his tongue over his dry lips and frowned, unsure he was getting everything as he should.

"Wait, are you talking about… Do you mean that you have been abused?"

She opened her mouth to reply but took her time as if she was facing the situation for the first time and the conclusion she was supposed to come up with seemed ti be extremely confused. She shrugged.

"No, I don't think so. They never forced me to do anything; I went for it on my own, a sort of vengeance towards her I suppose… They showed me a couple of things. I found it was creepy but for once that someone demonstrated interest in me, I accepted."

"Is this the reason why you went away?"

"No; I was just bored where we were. Delaware isn't a funny place. I had been accumulating quietly everything without complaining and it had to go out at one moment. Perhaps I realized while being sixteen that I still had some rights over my life. But I wasn't alone; curiously enough I've never been alone. When Stanley passed away and I found myself on my own in this tiny flat, I had the feeling that it sounded right, at last."

Someone knocked at the door and stifled voices passed through the walls, reaching their ears. The attorney's hand came to rest on her nape and he leaned over to kiss her cheek then locked his eyes with hers.

"You should try to speak to her one day, Karen. You have a lot to tell each other."

She raised her eyebrows, not really convinced by his words but nonetheless nodded. Anyway it was a bit late to throw a fit and refuse to see her mother as she had already arrived. She stood up reluctantly, headed to the bathroom and came back a couple of seconds later with a light smile that tightened Will's heart. She was way too talented to hide her emotions; it was frightening and sad somehow.

"Good evening, Karen; and happy birthday."

Lois tended her daughter a present. Instinctively a wave of reproaches came to the millionaire's lips but she swallowed them back and hugged her mother, a bit forcefully though.

"Thank you very much; I will unwrap it with the other ones at the end of the dinner if you don't mind. This is our tradition."

She insisted a bit too much on the 'our', highlighting the fact her friends were her real family, at least in her heart. Tension and discomfort began to show up in the living-room but Jack broke it down immediately and the evening went on smoothly.

Against all expectations the presence of her mother didn't really bother her at the end. It was rare and different to see her around the table but nonetheless pleasant. How many birthdays had she missed since she had run away while being sixteen? She bit the inside of her mouth and pressed Will's hand before the sharp reality of such wonder. _Way too many; yes, way too many of them. _

As the attorney put down new plates for the dessert, she stared in disbelief at the box that contained the cake. The purple plastic with the little pink butterflies on it suddenly took her back to a time that she had almost forgotten, concentrating with a stubborn determination on the aftermath and how her life had broken into pieces. She blinked and slowly turned her face to look at her mother.

"You managed to get Will away from a birthday cake? That's a miracle…"

Lois vaguely blushed and smiled timidly unless she was being nervous. Karen couldn't really tell.

"I wanted to bring it; the rest of the dinner was perfect and I thank Will for it. But now I'd like us all to get intoxicated with my poor cooking knowledge."

The millionaire shook her head. It was a lie. Her mother had always been an excellent cook until her father had died. Then she had stopped everything, included living somehow. Will opened the box and she couldn't help but gasp as her eyes began to water uncontrollably. Lois cleared her voice.

"I took off the orange ones. You never liked them."

It was a basic chocolate cake but with Smarties on it forming a ribbon of multicolored little pills. Before her friend's obvious confusion, Karen shrugged, swallowing back her sobs.

"Well, this is the birthday cake I used to have every year and… And I loved it. I never wanted another one, some expensive pastries. This was my idyllic one."

_And I missed it a lot… _She looked at her mother and smiled; touched by the attention. Perhaps she should try to see her oftener.


	42. Pasta alla carbonara

**Pasta alla carbonara**

"The most complicated is to find out a compromise between your pregnancy and the woman you still are. Just because you're expecting a child doesn't mean that you have to forget about the rest. In a word, mothers do have sex."

She picked up an olive and made it twirl around her tongue before biting into it. She weighed the remark for a couple of seconds, looking for her own place in this odd concept that almost sounded like a mantra but she failed, finally frowning in front of her incapacity. She needed to succeed, in everything; or then there was this oppressing sensation over her throat that reduced to silence her self-confidence. Leaning her head against the palm of her hand, she bit her lips in a vague motion of apologies.

"I'm sorry but I don't see what you mean. It may be too early; after all I'm only three-month pregnant. I don't even really show yet. The only change I have noticed is that I don't have my period anymore, which is pretty logical, but as I don't have morning sickness or dizzy spell… I am unable to consider myself as a mother. No, for the moment I'm just…"

She swallowed the olive and shrugged, accepting gladly the evidence.

"I'm just Will's lover. I assume my sexual desires and I try to live them as fully as I can. I thought you knew me better…"

She smirked and winced at the dark-haired woman sitting down in front of her. People had always said that they looked a lot like each other and it wasn't rare at all that they were asked if they actually were sisters. They shared similar features and an identical way of smiling. Their gestures were alike; they could easily pass themselves for twins and if she remembered well, they had done it once for a crazy evening in college. This woman was a very dear friend that Karen had always kept away from the rest of her life; she was a precious secret that with the passing of the years had got the shades of a delicate treasure. Perhaps one day she would introduce her to Will, Jack and Grace though it was good to have a personal external to her day-to-day life.

"I do and that's why I tell you that. You're the exact definition of the word 'antithesis', Karen."

"This is not true!"

"This is as true as your stubbornness. Now tell me what happened to Stanley. You said that he was dead; how about you give me the real explanation now that you have played your liar role to perfection?"

The dark-haired woman scoffed though she wasn't scandalized at all. Monica was smart, a brilliant businesswoman who had spent half of her life investing into corporations that seemed to live an untouchable love story with Wall Street. It was hard to make a fool of her.

"Karen, you know as well as I do that a millionaire doesn't pass away like that. I'm not surprised though that you didn't follow him; wherever he is now…"

"Then it's perfect and if we could avoid to speak about him that would be great. Let's come back to a baby conversation. How is Louise? Tell her hello from me."

"She's a stupid teenager who tries her best to make her mother crazy. And it works. You can stop by whenever you want, you know. Can I tell her about your pregnancy?"

Karen pouted and made a face, shaking her head.

"If you could wait a bit longer… It's still a bit fragile right now."

The millionaire smiled timidly, trying to hide a growing anxiety that the days were strengthening little by little. She was getting attached to the idea of motherhood and suffering from a miscarriage now or even later in the semester would be an extremely difficult patch to go through. Monica grabbed her hand and held it tight.

"It's normal to freak out but I'm sure everything will be fine. Speak about it to Will; you know, this guy I haven't met yet but who makes you grin as soon as I pronounce his name."

Embarrassed, Karen looked aside and focalized on an efficient reply but she didn't like speaking about the reasons why she kept Monica away from her friends. She could barely say it to the interested person as a matter of fact. She bit her lower lip and smiled brightly.

"Do you remember Italy?"

"Of course I suppose you mean the handsome Marco? How could I ever forget him? You must be really in love not to call his name out loud today…"

"I was actually referring to our very last day in Roma; how we were broke and I had argued the day before with Henry so he had refused to give me a couple of thousand dollars."

"Dear Henry… May he rest in peace."

"Who gives a shit? He shouldn't have tried to flirt with the mafia; period. Well, anyway… The pasta we shared were the best ever and Lord knows why but I haven't stopped having pasta cravings since I knew about my pregnancy."

Monica frowned, trying desperately to find the slightest logic in Karen's speech. While the millionaire seemed to make a pause, she took advantage of it to raise her eyebrows, apologizing in silence for not understanding anything.

"Well the truth is that I decided to wait and be with you to satisfy my pasta wish because they don't taste the same when you're not there to eat them with me."

It was Karen's own way to say to someone about her feelings; always a long and tortuous path of complicated words, weird sentences before finally reaching a simple fact: _Thank you for being here._


	43. Wonders, offers

**Wonders, offers**

He passed his hand on her stomach and began to kiss her neck. The sudden touch made her jump but she didn't oppose any resistance and lay on her back as his leg caressed her knee, wrapping her tiny frame in a sweet embrace. Someone should clean the ceiling but how often was supposed this task to be done? It wasn't as white as it used to be when she had bought the flat in the first place and now she was observing it with attention, vaguely reacting before Will's lips on her skin. Her hand nonetheless went through his hair and she smiled moaning quietly. She felt his fingers run down her chest, sliding on her hips before coming back to her stomach joined very soon by a trail of kisses. She looked down at him; made a face.

"I'm showing, aren't I?"

Her voice resounded loud in the bedroom, no matter it had just been a timid and embarrassed whisper. Will leaned up on his elbows and frowned at her, confused. Her remark had sounded full of regret with an ounce of sadness and anxiety. In a word, he was facing one more time the real Karen Walker with all her insecurities coming back to the surface in the purest intimacy of her life. It had happened a lot lately. She worked out by phases, more or less recurrent, more or less long but during which she needed to be reassured at any moment; every single second when the slightest doubt seemed to infiltrate her mind. Restraining a sigh, the attorney nodded slowly, grabbing her hand; caressing it softly.

"Is that a problem? You're pregnant so logically enough you're going to show even more very soon. It's cute besides."

"But I will only reach my fourth month in a week; I shouldn't be showing like that yet. It's already so big."

She looked in disgust at her stomach, her gaze sliding then on her legs.

"I'm big from everywhere now. I don't like it."

"I don't mind you to put on weight; especially at some specific areas..."

Smiling mischievously, his fingers brushed her breasts. She rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation.

"What's happening with you that you're so man-ish all of a sudden? Since when do you fancy a nice cleavage?"

He captured her lips in a sweet but nonetheless tempting kiss then locked his eyes with hers.

"Since it's yours, of course; what can I say but the truth? You turn me on, for some mysterious reason that I'm unable to explain."

"I'm a sex bomb; nobody can resist."

She winced at him and giggled. She had never been so far from her own comments; thinking the exact opposite. She had been told it was normal and she would probably feel down for a moment but then why did the articles she read only reflect happy pregnant women who lived this experience and all the physical changes with the wisdom of a troubling blossoming? Her body seemed to be heavy and fat and her more than generous breasts had turned into a pure act of torture for her back. Was also her hair greasy? She glanced at it with suspicion and fear then bit her lower lip, swallowing back her tears. She hated those hormonal tricks that made her weak without any warning. In front of her despair the attorney took her in his arms and rubbed her back.

"Oh Karen… It's okay. You're extremely sexy."

"You're such a fucking liar, Wilma."

The sharp reply came to his ears in a stifled motion, absorbed by her sobs. He didn't say a word, simply planted a kiss on her head and tightened his grip on her shaking frame; wondering if the fact to deal with the millionaire's weaknesses wasn't harder than to face her in all her pride and self-confidence. At least her harsh comments were calculated by then. In this case they tasted of spontaneity and even though she didn't do it on purpose, it was still a bit annoying and hurting.

"Yeah I love you too, Karen."

The millionaire swallowed hard and looked all around her, feeling uncomfortable in front of the scientist's silly grin. None of the women had spoken for long seconds now and it was becoming weird. Mary Hazel batted her eyelashes and took a deep breath but finally remained quiet. Growling in annoyance Karen put an end to it, frustrated.

"Damn speak! What do you want to say to me? Obviously it's some good news as you're smiling so what are you waiting for?"

The idea hit her mind in a sudden and violent motion. She gasped; frowned.

"Oh God don't tell me that I'm expecting twins…"

"No you're not though one day you should tell me about this frustration of yours to be sure that you are going through a multiple pregnancy. It's oddly interesting for not saying fascinating."

"Then what is it?"

The scientist bit her lower lip and seemed to hesitate, looking for the right words in order to avoid a virulent reaction from her patient.

"How do you feel about meetings, Karen? You know; when people meet around donuts and speak about their experience on a determined situation."

"I'm not an alcoholic; no thanks."

Mary Hazel made a face but nonetheless took out of a drawer a flyer.

"I knew you would say no but please, have a look at it. It's not always easy to face hormonal problems and a supposed infertility. You may have doubts and fears that experienced women could help you to overcome. Sure you can ask me whatever you want about it but I'm your scientist; I know there's a natural barrier between the two of us, sort of. Try to stop by one day or at least keep the flyer, just in case."

Karen looked blankly at the smiling young model who was holding a child supposed to be hers while she had obviously no idea about pregnancy. It sounded stupid and typical from a lifetime movie. She raised her eyebrows and looked in disbelief at Mary.

"Is this a sort of ritual like Lamaze classes? I mean a traditional way supposed to make me reach an improbably stage of blossoming?"

The doctor nodded, pouting while weighing the millionaire's words.

"Besides they have donuts; have I already told you about it?"

"Honestly you really think that food is a valuable argument for pregnant women? What a cliché!"

Karen scoffed, pretending to be scandalous by a so-called feminist remark. But she shrugged and sighed, abdicating, then stood up and grabbed her purse; swearing between her teeth.

"Damn you're right…"


	44. In my arms

**In my arms**

She had read the flyers hung up on the walls so many times that she knew them by heart now; even the phone numbers to call in case of emergency like a miscarriage, a nervous breakdown or a bad pizza craving at one in the morning while trapped in the heights of Vermont on a snowy night. She had arrived earlier in purpose, to have time enough to check women's faces and finally decide if she would join the group or not. Once her mother had sent her to some summer camp and she had hated every single second of it, promising to herself that she would become misanthropic and selfish for her own goods. It had worked out and she had managed until then to avoid any kind of dramatic session that American people loved so much. She closed her eyes and passed a hand on her stomach.

_Look what I'm doing for you… I hope you will appreciate that. _

"Excuse me; sorry."

She turned around and pushed herself aside to let a man enter the room. She observed him in silence and frowned as he opened a box of donuts. A quick glance at the number on the door and she started running at the other end of the corridor to compare the information with the ones on the flyer she had been given by Mary Hazel, trying to hide at the most her gesture and so her potential participation but she simply jumped as someone's hand came to rest on her shoulder.

"Don't go away. If you don't like donuts Sophie always brings a pizza. I'm Dean."

For a couple of seconds she felt like rushing away, moving to Alaska and never talking to anyone again. Then the tempting idea of an introduction 'made in Anastasia Beaverhausen' crossed her mind but a sentiment of responsibility finally won over all the rest and she shook his hand timidly, clearing her voice.

"My name is Karen. You might help me though… I'm looking for…"

"The artificial insemination experience group, I suppose; unless you're a fan of Greek pottery. There're only two meetings tonight."

She hadn't imagined while elaborating crazy scenarios in her head that men could take part in the discussion but now that she was facing one, it sounded fair enough for not saying logical. She bit the inside of her mouth and narrowed her eyes, looking at Dean with suspicion.

"I didn't know it was a couple stuff. I came alone."

"It's okay. Single moms stop by from time to time."

"I'm not single. Will, the father, is at work. He had an important meeting and to be honest, it didn't even cross my mind to suggest him to come here with me."

"He's not implied in the pregnancy or the education of your child?"

Dean looked at her stomach and nodded.

"I mean your pregnancy."

Karen made a face and pulled instinctively on her top but the truth was that since she had reached her fourth month a couple of weeks ago, she had really started showing and her new curves were going to her head in an obsessing way.

"Aren't you happy to be pregnant?"

She scoffed nicely before shrugging.

"Of course I am! I can even barely believe it as a matter of fact."

Dean passed his arm around the dark-haired woman's shoulders and led her slowly to the room.

"Then show us proudly your stomach!"

The donuts were good but she couldn't help feeling in the way. Every single person already knew each other and being the new one that everybody observed took her back to those years when she hadn't stopped travelling, jumping from state to state; accumulating new schools without any friend. Her lack of self-confidence had rushed back to her mind and so she stayed quiet, looking down at the floor, not knowing what to do or say.

"I found out a cardboard box yesterday that contained a photo album. I didn't want to look at it in the first place because the pictures had been taken around the time I had been diagnosed…"

Karen rolled her eyes and leaned against the back of her seat. It was pathetic, a pure cliché of people's misfortunes that suddenly got the shapes of miracles. She was even surprised that they hadn't started praying yet, pleading God for peace on Earth and a blessing on their families. Well, the last point would have been fair; somehow. The woman, called Liz, kept on talking all along with a disturbing emotion but all of a sudden the millionaire stared at her feet and frowned, fascinated by her shoes. Liz was wearing a splendid pair of Christian Louboutin only available in Paris. Surprised, Karen's hazel eyes began to go up slowly and she finally studied the woman's features with more attention before finally listening to her properly. Ashamed by the idea she could get interest in someone thanks to expensive items, she made an effort and concentrated properly on the story. Her behavior had simply been scandalous and childish until now; why was she so selfish?

"When James died, I spent all my days watching the video of Ben's birth as if I was trying to find a sort of balance between the loss of my husband and the existence of my son. It was the aftermath of 9/11th and the gloomy atmosphere was ideal for dark thoughts like mine; a vague attempt to clutch myself to the past. I knew the images by heart but for some reason I had taken out of them the slightest ounce of feeling as if it was just some medical report that we can see on television. Then I stopped and kept on living; until yesterday. I felt the urge to watch it again after having leafed through this photo album and faced a difficult moment of my life, such a bad patch. It all came back to me, all the sensations and emotions that I had experienced and this incomprehensible strength that escapes from us as soon as they put our child on our chest, in our arms. We don't feel alive by then but simply logically at our place in this world; at last."

She had planned to come back home and spend the rest of the evening alone, at her flat, but she finally decided to go straight at Will's after the reunion. Liz was a trader as was her late husband who had his office in one of the towers of The World Trade Center. The day he had died during the terrorist attacks, she had learned about her pregnancy after a decade of unsuccessful inseminations. Holding her child in her arms, every day, seemed to have been the only thing that had actually saved her own life.

She opened the door and rushed to Will, hugging him tight. He didn't say a word, didn't ask why she had changed her plans. He let her cry in his arms.


	45. It's just a smile

**It's just a smile**

She put down her mug on the coffee table and kneeled down next to him then kissed his neck; her fingers sliding on his chest. She broke apart and looked at him. His smile was bright and warm, peaceful. It was snowing outside. The night had fallen over the city for a couple of hours yet, turning the sky in a deep blue darkness but the wind was blowing through the snow flakes, getting to her ears in a stifled motion like a ghost whispering its pain in the silence of an old manor. It was terrifying while being alone but as soon as you could feel the heat of someone else next to you, the peculiar melody got a whole different shade and you couldn't help but feel happy to be there. Her eyes travelled to the novel he was holding as she began to play with the collar of his cashmere sweater.

"What are you reading, honey?"

Will closed the book and showed her the cover on which a dark green sky seemed to be swallowing a man sitting down on a producer armchair. The title, _The Book of Illusions_, was as mysterious as the illustration. Karen frowned.

"Is it good? What is the story about?"

"It is, yes. A man who lost his wife and children in a plane crash begins a secluded life in the mountains of Vermont, concentrating all his efforts on dead people or at least missing ones. He gets interested in an actor who would have disappeared without any warning, just at the beginning of some potential fame and now he's translating a French author's memoirs who died in the 19th century."

The dark-haired woman looked at the attorney with perplexity and raised her eyebrows. She seemed unconvinced.

"So in a word you're appreciating a book that is an ode to loneliness and self-destruction?"

"What do you consider as self-destruction in it?"

She shrugged and passed unexpectedly on top of Will, straddling him. She picked up the book, her finger prevented it from closing entirely and so losing the page he had stopped at as her other hand was resting subconsciously on the zipper of his jeans.

"I don't know… Secluding himself in the middle of nowhere and doing his best to avoid the rest of the society is self-destructive as if he was letting his life go away and abandoning himself to his sooner or later death. It's sad."

"What did you study in college again?"

She restrained a laugh that vanished in the pale figure of a smile then leaned over and kissed his lips softly.

"I was supposed to find a passion into the rules of business management but I spent all my time listening to my lover and his lecture about American literature."

"You dated a professor?"

His question seemed to surprise her a lot. She shrugged and pouted almost as a gesture of semi-apologies that she wouldn't understand the aim.

"Why yes; who didn't?"

"Tell me about him. How was he?"

She couldn't help but smile, amused by Will's curiosity. Men used to nourish a full hatred towards their partner's exes. It was weird that the attorney actually wanted to learn more about one of them. She leaned back on him but this time she proceeded to cuddle against him. She was a bit cold and the heat of his arms was perfect to put an end to the slight discomfort.

"Okay… His name was Todd Harvey. He was the typical literature professor with the tweed jacket, the small glasses on and always a dozen of books in hand; a bit lost in his own world made of heroes from the past centuries, looking desperately for a resonance in the New York of the seventies. I was in my freshman year and I fell for him immediately; the classic crush, you know. The situation hit me with a disturbing realization that for the very first time, I was timid as soon as a man, jeez he wasn't just a guy but a real man you know, looked at me. I couldn't help blushing and I cursed my 'protector' who would turn to be my first husband a couple of years later, for having convinced me to major in business management because I wouldn't be able then to attend his own lectures. I nonetheless did it and for whatever reason one day he looked at me. I loved every single second of this secretive and avid story. It was so exciting to do everything so that nobody learned about us. I felt proud, different. I guess he made me grow up somehow."

A smile had been playing on her lips all along as the sweet reminiscence was slowly taking her away in a short period of her life that had sounded so bright; so perfect.

"What happened next?"

"He got an offer at Yale that he accepted. He asked me to come with him; I hesitated. My 'protector' was rich and nice with me. I still didn't want to deal and let my feelings win over satisfying ambitions of success. Dollars definitely belonged to my plans while hurting emotions were simply to be discarded. I nonetheless packed up and rushed to Grand Central but it was too late. While I was reaching the platform, the train was vanishing, going away from New York. I took it as a sign that I should try here and stay a bit more."

"It's sad. I'm sorry."

Will began to stroke her hair but she shook her head; kissed his shoulder. Her stomach was brushing his leg. She passed her fingers on it. It was a bit tensed.

"Don't, honey. It's okay. Lord knows what I missed while staying here but at the same time I wouldn't be in your arms today. We wouldn't be expecting a child. I wouldn't have met you and so I wouldn't have fallen for you. I love you, Will. I don't say it often enough. It's not that I don't want to but it's a bit hard to let it come out; I'm not good at it. I can't regret to have arrived too late at the station that day when I'm with you."

He turned his face and looked at her in disbelief. It was the first time she threw herself in such a declaration of her sentiments, so openly. Her lips began to shake and the tears suddenly ran down her cheeks.

"Oh Karen, don't cry. I love you too."

He hugged her tight, kissing her temple softly as her sobs were winning control over her whole body; her voice was shaky.

"I don't do it on purpose, honey. I guess it's hormonal… I hate it!"


	46. Fragments

**Fragments**

Restraining a yawn she stood up and left her friends around the table, sipping their coffee. The sky was gray and fine rain drops were crossing the clouds before landing in a regular and soft melody on the asphalt but the monotony and the lack of light seemed to slow down the day, strengthening the apathy of a Saturday afternoon. She felt like sleeping but wasn't tired at all. Her eyes were heavy though; she needed fresh air. She made a face at the idea of going out. It was warm and cozy here. She stepped out of the bathroom and took her time before coming back to the living room. She brushed with her fingertips the edge of Will's bed and grabbed a pillow, for whatever reason. It smelled of him; or better said, his perfume. She liked it a lot and had realized lately that she could barely fall asleep without it next to her. She didn't even remember Stanley's scent while she had been living with him for a whole decade. Fragments of a conversation were reaching her ears softly, stifled by the closed door as a sudden ray of sun passed through the window and made her blink; then turn around until she faced an old mirror and observed her reflection in it.

She was wearing a knee-length black skirt with a purple cashmere top. It was a classic choice but she never really gave into extravaganza anyway when it came to clothing. She liked pure lines, well-defined and elegant. She looked at her breasts. They hurt a little and were swollen. According to the books she had read, it should be over very soon but for the very first time she didn't feel like alluding to them with her usual exaggerated pride. It wasn't easy to witness all those changes; on her own body besides. It was like she had lost control over herself and couldn't do anything but assist aimlessly at the evolution of her anatomy taken away by a whirl of hormones. It had gone too fast and her body was answering to this bad treatment through a whole series of different but constant pains from her lower back to her ankles; passing by her breasts. She hadn't imagined that it would be like that. It was weird.

Her gaze slid down on her stomach. She could picture out her navel underneath her sweater. The curves were delicate but evident and even though she had difficulties to deal with her extra pounds, she had to recognize that it suited her very well. She had always had hips and now they seemed to find a resonance in the rounded lines in a natural motion. She didn't look fat, no matter how she pretended to. She was glowing under her new shapes. She had changed a lot, her features adopting not the passing of time but the beauty of care and responsibilities. She had got something more. Her tongue caressed her lips, she frowned and pouted. She looked like a mother now. She rolled up her top and passed the pillow under it before adjusting back the purple piece of clothing. She stayed still for a couple of seconds, an unreadable expression in her eyes and very slowly her hand came to rest on her stomach. The door opened slowly and she picked up Grace's reflection behind her but she didn't move, just smiled. Then, motioning the artificial nine-month pregnant stomach, she raised her eyebrows.

"It sounds right, doesn't it?"

The interior designer frankly came in the room and nodded, hiding a bright smile that didn't ask for anything but lighting up her whole face. She seemed to be intimidated.

"Yes it does."

Karen took off the pillow and threw it back on the bed in a nervous gesture. There were so many things she would have wanted to share with Grace; so many things to confess, wonders and fears. But it stayed all trapped in her heart and she didn't get to let it out. The red-haired woman frowned and cleared her voice, avoiding her gaze timidly.

"You're lucky; not just because of Will but the fact you're going to have a baby. I hope it will happen to me too one day. There's nothing less sure though."

"Oh honey… You might be a little weird and clumsy but I'm sure that a man will end up looking at you properly."

She apologized for the semi-sharpness of her reply thanks to a bright smile, making her friend understand that she was just kidding. With her typical awkwardness the millionaire tended her arms towards Grace and hugged her tight before whispering in her ears.

"You will be a wonderful mommy and the best auntie ever. You'd better be anyway or you will hear from me."

She let her friends convince her to go out for a stroll through the white paths of Central Park. The chilling air burned her cheeks but brought a dizzy and peculiar vegetal smell to her head; a subtle mix of wood and leaves that reminded her of Alaska. She bit her lower lip while thinking about that time but all she could remember was a large lake with high mountains behind; and the snow, everywhere. They reached the ice rink and she gasped as the urge imposed itself like some logical evidence. She turned around and nodded at nothing in particular but her friends' confused gazes before her sudden reaction.

"I want to go skating. Who comes with me?"

Will became livid as Grace started blinking and Jack moved his lips in a complete silence, obviously lost between her question and the situation they were living. The attorney cleared his voice and managed a shy smile.

"Karen you're pregnant. I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"Why, do you think I'm too fat and so the ice isn't going to be able to bear my weight?"

She narrowed her eyes at him with a controlled and frightening low voice. Jack insisted.

"Will is right. I mean, what if you fall down? It's not very smart."

"Party poopers…"

She didn't listen to them and very soon found herself sliding on the ice with an easiness that let Grace and Jack speechless. Will was simply smiling. She hadn't given him more details about the mysterious answer when they had gone to The Rockfeller Center. Now he was wondering what that place was; where "there was a lot of snow" as she had said. But it was just Karen's secret, another fragment of her blurry existence. She stopped in front of them and smiled brightly; then made a few steps, vaguely dancing before twirling around and nodding.

"Well it looks like the ice isn't about to break into pieces."


	47. Dreamingly whispering

**Dreamingly whispering**

His lips were soft and warm but what she loved the most was the fine tension, almost imperceptible, when they were on the edge of going further and the kiss got deepened. She could feel his smile against her mouth and the pressure of his fingers on her waist, her neck. Then she sighed silently while releasing her desires and taking possession of his own body. Was kissing an actual art? She wouldn't have been able to say though she liked it a lot; that's why she always let Will go on.

"Here it's the hand, the right one. You can see the phalanxes because the skin is still a bit transparent. The head is well-proportionate and the spine is evolving perfectly. Your voice has already been registered as a familiar sound and even though the baby doesn't understand what you're saying, he's able to distinguish people's voices. You don't want to know about the sex, do you?"

She had been rocked by the peaceful words of Mary Hazel, fascinated by the clear image appearing on the screen; she was smiling. Biting her lower lip, Karen shook her head and stayed quiet. She didn't want to speak but keep on watching at her child until she fell asleep.

"And what is that?"

Grace leaned over and pointed at a white mass around the stomach area. She was highly concentrated on the ultra-sound picture.

"It's the liver and if you look above, you have the lungs. The heartbeats are regular and any serious pathology is discarded so in a word… This child is on top form. I guess he's pouted though; probably because his father is not here. Where is Will?"

Mary Hazel turned off the monitor and questioned the millionaire, raising her eyebrows. Grabbing the Kleenex the scientist was tending her she got rid of the gel on her stomach and shrugged.

"He's at work. He had an important presentation."

The truth was that she was upset and perhaps because she was tired of hiding everything, for once she didn't try to mask her emotions and let her disappointment show in her sad tone of voice. She didn't blame him but was actually worried before his impressive rhythm. His life was a fusion of stress and deadlines to respect. It wasn't good for him. The interior designer felt her slight distress and so put her hand on Karen's shoulder, tightening it softly. It didn't work that much and still laid down, the millionaire thought about nothing but her bitter loneliness.

His eyes were sparkling with the same fascination as the one that had got her stuck in front of the screen a bit earlier in the afternoon. His fingertips brushed the tiny figure of the baby; he planted a kiss on Karen's head as they were sat in each other's arms on the couch of her flat.

"This is so crazy… I can't believe it's real. Do you see what I mean?"

The dark-haired woman nodded and cuddled against him even more. She missed him so much during the day, no matter he used to call her at work a couple of times. His heat was far and so she couldn't feel perfectly fine. She needed his presence to reach this state of no-return where logic seemed to rhyme with the subtle sweetness of her heart.

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

His question made her scoff and she looked at him with an obvious surprise.

"I thought you didn't want to know."

"I don't, indeed… I'm wondering about it though; like a lot, you know."

She cleared her voice and caressed his thigh, looking down at the fabric of his jeans then began to draw invisible patterns on them. She always did that when she didn't know how to coordinate an idea and put it into words.

"I know it's still early and all but… Have you already thought about a name? Is there one that you particularly like?"

He had ended up thinking through the years that he wouldn't live this moment. His conclusions had been sad and blurry, unsure of the reason why he didn't have the right to experience it too. It was a tradition, a decisive ritual that lit up an important stage of existence and he had accepted the fact he would never be a part of it; for whatever reason. But there he was, finally getting it with someone he had fallen for as unexpectedly as a storm can rush in the sky in the middle of August, pushing away the peaceful limpid blue and the shining sun. He felt intimidated all of a sudden and laughed lightly.

"I don't know… I probably have some, yes; a couple of names."

"Which ones are they?"

"Which ones are yours?"

She blushed then blessed the coincidence that had made her keep on looking in front of her and not at him. She would have had a lot of difficulties to deal with his gaze. What was all about to confess a preference over a name? It sounded ridiculous but she couldn't help it.

"Well, I like… I like Lily because it's how my father used to call me; my middle-name being Louise. I might have a thing for Sophia too; yes, Sophia and Matthew."

"Louise suits you pretty well, you know. I didn't know you had a middle-name."

"I didn't know you had a thing for women. Now tell me about your favorite ones."

"Okay… I like Maglietta and Samuel."

Will leaned over until his lips came to brush Karen's ear; then he whispered with the sweetness of a beautiful dream.

"But the one I love the most is yours because it matches my hopes, my heart. I love you."


	48. For millions dollars

**For millions dollars**

They had taken their time that morning, waking up long before them plunging into a stressful chronicle of being in a rush. They had had a shower together and got prepared next to each other in her tiny bathroom. A smile had been playing on their lips all along, a satisfaction and happiness that only love is capable of bringing. An outsider would have probably said that they looked a bit silly but it wouldn't have reached them and they would have gone on. They had had breakfast at some coffee store with Grace and Jack then kissed on the sidewalk as their paths had been about to get divided. She had leaned against his chest, put a hand on his coat and closed her eyes. She had waved good-bye and observed him disappear at the corner of the street, her tea still in hand. It had sounded so perfect, so smooth; if only they had known that it wouldn't be reproduced the next morning.

She had stolen candies when she was eight, pushed by her sister to do it. She would always remember how her heart had begun to beat so fast while passing the doors of the store and stepping out, walking peacefully as if nothing had happened. She had hated it but also succumbed to the adrenalin of the moment with certain pleasure. She had just been brushing the rules, flirting with the law and balancing from time to time on the wrong side of the line. She wasn't that brave though and as soon as the game got the shapes of serious problems, she backed in retreat nonetheless observing the appealing limits. She had sent Rosario to jail for her maid having carried on her pills but it had been too much; she had gone too far. At least she had though so until Stanley pleaded her to take part in his plan. She should have known better that day and never come to the conclusion that once he would have gone away, she would be safe and she could turn the page.

She had forgotten his voice, concentrating on Will all along and her new life with him. She didn't say a word and simply listened to her ex husband talk on the phone while she kept on staring at Grace who was drawing some sketches. She got cold and within a second her blood was boiling in her veins. She was angry. Her smile froze on her face and she swallowed back a wave of insults for him not having respecting his promises. Ten minutes passed by; she stood up, grabbed her coat and cleared her voice for another row of lies.

"I will be back in a couple of hours or so."

Astonished, the interior designer looked at her in disbelief.

"Where do you go? It's ten in the morning. Are you okay? You seem to be a bit pale."

"I'm fine honey. I just forgot an appointment; bye."

It smelled of fried chicken and a fine layer of grease was recovering the plastic tables in a disgusting way. A car passed in the street, yelling some rap song at the top of an old stereo. Karen sighed and looked back at Stanley sitting down in front of her. He hadn't changed that much, not even lost a pound; nothing. Though for some reason he got on her nerves with an annoying talent.

"What do you want?"

While he was obviously smiling, surprised by her advanced pregnancy, Karen remained cold and distant. Her features were deep and sharp; her eyes were shining angrily. His hand brushed hers but she took it away from his touch and crossed her arms over her stomach.

"I need money."

She should have gone straight at Will's but the events of the day had weighed a lot and she felt dirty. She rushed to her flat and took a shower, trying to forget everything. She was stepping out of her bathroom when she gave a start and put a hand on her heart.

"You scared me honey!"

She was about to plunge in the attorney's arms but the seriousness of his face stopped her even before and she started panicking. Frowning, the dark-haired woman bit her lower lip and shook her head.

"What are you hiding from me?"

Will's hand appeared from his back and he tended her a doggy bag from the dinner where she had met Stanley earlier in the morning. It took her aback and she blinked at it, unable to move.

"Who do you think you are Karen to make fool of us like that? How was this travel from the dead in Harlem?"

Her hands were shaking and so she grabbed her trousers, trying to calm down. She loved little arguments with people she didn't care that much about but she simply couldn't face real fits with someone who meant so much in her life. It was scaring.

"How do you know…"

"You've been under protection for two weeks since the bank account we found in The Cayman Islands resulted to have some connections with the mafia but obviously it looks like the story revealed a lot more about your relation with Stanley."

She scoffed before such confession and couldn't help but feel offended.

"You've made me being stalked? It's outrageous!"

"Oh why, should I trust you all along? You've lied to everyone for Christ's sake. How could you do that to us? We all believed that you were in pain for the loss of your husband and we shared it with you when you were just perfectly fine; now tell me who's being outrageous! You took part in the worst plan ever and played with us as if we were just some pieces on a chessboard. Aren't you ashamed? Damn you're pregnant now Karen, do you really think your behavior can be qualified of responsible? Why did you do that? Since I've been told that Stanley was still alive and you knew about it, I've done nothing but wait and hope you would at last confess it but you stayed quiet, day after day…"

She didn't feel ashamed or angry but simply lifeless and she was unable to articulate the slightest word. Will's pain was hurting her, tearing her heart with burning claws and all what she could do was trying to swallow back her tears.

"And why did you do that in the first place? Do you even realize the consequences it could have on your life and the baby's one? I can't believe you put yourself in danger just for millions dollars."

It shocked her and hit her integrity with the strength of a logical conclusion, no matter it was wrong. She had made people think during so many years that she only lived for money that it was a fair return now. She just had never imagined that Will had actually come to share strangers' opinion for being a little closer to her; not enough obviously. She raised her eyebrows and smiled, shouting in silence against her stupid pride that prevented her one more time from taking a honorable decision, a sage one. Nobody walked over Karen Walker like that; being weak didn't match with her heart. She lacked self-confidence enough like that.

"Why, you know me Wilma."

Her voice had been low, flirting with a whisper of tears and the regret of its sound as it had hit the air and the tensed silence of the room. The door got slammed and she stared blankly at it; blinked twice and realized all of a sudden that the baby had kicked for the first time.


	49. A matter of rights

**A matter of rights**

She hadn't gone out of her flat during the whole day, spending most of her time in front of the television, vaguely watching reruns that came straight from the eighties. She had emptied her freezer and eaten successively a turkey, fried fish and coconut ice cream. Now that the night had finally fallen over the city, she was dying for Mexican chips, something strong and spicy. The previous night had been a nightmare and she had hoped in silence for his comeback; the slam of the door and a murmur of apologies before turning the page and starting a new one. But he hadn't come, hadn't called either. She hadn't dared to send him a message. He was angry, hurt and felt betrayed; she wished she could have vanished from the surface of Earth and erased everything, drawn a line under her deal with Stanley. She was taking out of the oven a double-cheese pizza when Grace poked her head then came in, holding a bag of falafels. Instinctively Karen looked down and blushed, thinking she had lost her friend as well as Will but the interior designer's voice sounded warm and friendly.

"I brought you some food though it looks like you already thought about that."

Smiling timidly, the millionaire motioned the couch and both women sat down. She didn't dare to look at Grace properly but was besides wondering about the springs of the awkwardness she was feeling. Did it come from the last events or the sweetness of her friend's behavior? It contrasted sharply with the attorney's fit of the evening before. They began to eat in silence until Karen couldn't handle it anymore and, biting her lower lip, shook her head.

"I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to cause you any sorrow."

Grace turned her face and locked her eyes with the dark-haired woman's ones before nodding slowly as a peaceful smile played on her lips.

"I know that you would never do such a thing, Karen. I'm not mad at you."

Perhaps it wasn't convincing enough or she simply needed to let it go, she wouldn't have been able to say though she didn't stop the conversation at this stage.

"I accepted because I was tired of him, of us. He promised me that it would be the last thing he would ask me and then he would leave me alone. I abdicated. Of course I understood immediately that if he had come to such a decision, the situation must be dangerous, extreme. But I stayed quiet; Stanley loved me and he would have never put me into some risky thing. But I didn't do it for money, no; all I wanted was to end up with this marriage as quickly as I could. Perhaps I should have been more careful."

"I would have done the same if I had been you."

"Then you would have ruined a dream that was at last coming true."

Grace didn't ask for further explanation, she got it immediately and shrugged.

"He's just over reacting and that only because he loves you. He's going to need some time."

"I feel so bad… I can't believe that I hurt him; I'm disgusting. And the worst of al is that I really love him."

She burst into tears and found comfort in her friend's arms. She had stayed stone until then, since he had slammed the door the day before and put something into parenthesis; their story. She knew he had done it, no matter he hadn't said anything. It was obvious, logical and terribly painful; and nonetheless deserved. She had been accumulating in silence the tension, stress and pressure before it finally exploding in a torrent of tears. Who cared if she looked weak? She was exhausted to pretend that she was happy when she was not at all and the only thing she was actually dying for was crying.

She didn't see him in a whole week, vaguely got news from Grace throughout a whole panel of contortioned smiles that didn't help that much. He was still angry; avoiding her she was doing with him. She felt ashamed, guilty and betrayed too for having been stalked but all her sentiments seemed to find an escape in a general consortium: she missed him badly. She didn't go at his for diner and he stayed away too when Jack and Grace stopped at her place. It was becoming a bitter routine, a sort of game between cats and mice trying to never cross each other just in case they would turn then into statues of ice. Besides it would have been too awkward, too painful.

They had spoken about it once, at the very beginning of their relationship. What if it didn't work out? What if they broke up? Their so close friendship to Grace and Jack would be touched and weakened, it was logical. But they had sworn to themselves that it would be slight and they would try their best to make it pass unnoticed. It seemed so far now that their eventuality had reached an odd and cold reality… The baby kicked; she smiled brightly but realized while looking all around her that night that her flat was empty and would probably always be. She might be born to feel lonely. She passed a hand over her stomach and caressed it softly.

"I'm sorry, honey. I had no right to ruin your life as I did. I hope you and your dad will forgive me."

She took a spoonful of macaronis but they were hard to swallow because of this constant desire to burst into tears. The evening seemed to last eternally. The days had turned into nightmares and the nights had become a good excuse to loneliness and cries but she had managed to go through them with a disturbing resignation, almost easily. Perhaps keeping on living by automatism wasn't as hard as she had imagined; or at least she thought so until the urge began to boil in her veins and before realizing it, she was dialing furiously. She was about to send the message when her conscious made her freeze and stare blankly at the words on her cell phone screen. The seconds passed by slowly, taken away by the weight of indecision and irreversibility.

The tears started running on her cheeks as her thumb was deleting her missive. _I miss you, Will. _


	50. Losing an heart

**Losing an heart**

Mary Hazel sighed and turned off the monitor then looked at Karen with the face of morning sadness. The millionaire swallowed hard, panicked before her scientist's worried gaze. It was like coming back to her 'biologically unfit'. Putting an instinctive hand on her stomach the dark-haired woman restrained a gasp.

"Why have you lost your smile, doctor?"

"You need to eat, Karen. This is not good for the baby or for you. You have lost a couple of pounds and your child is starving. You're hurting a healthy development, putting obstacles to strong and necessary bases."

"I do eat. I swear I do."

"Then what's happening? And where is Will? I haven't seen him in a while."

Karen remained laid down but adjusted her top and shrugged, avoiding Mary's eyes. How could she tell her that it was implicitly over, that she hadn't seen him for a month and a half? She felt ashamed of the situation but most of all she simply couldn't manage to speak about it yet. It was too hard. She scoffed a bit too falsely.

"Who cares about him? He's not pregnant, is he? He has never signed a contract that obliged him to be here for every ultra-sound picture."

"You're right, he doesn't have to. However you're almost seven-month pregnant and even though you are lucky enough to get monthly pictures of your child, you're approaching the end, especially if you keep on this way. Then I can assure you that you will never handle it two months more and I wouldn't be surprised to see you back here within two weeks from now."

She got enough and sat up, turning her back to the scientist; looking down, whispering.

"Thank you for the advice but I had my dose of remonstrance, lately. I will be more careful; I promise it."

She jumped as Mary Hazel's hand came to rest on her shoulder. She turned around and looked at her.

"Speak to someone if you're not fine, Karen. Your child isn't ready at all to come over here so early. Think how hard it has been for you to reach this stage; don't ruin it. We all have our weaknesses, don't we? I'm sure everything will come back to normal very soon for you. I really hope so."

She burst out laughing and grabbed Jack's hand, taking out of him Mister Banjo in order to put an end to the awful impersonation the actor had turned the cuddly toy into. She spent a lot of time with him; Grace also used to join three evenings a week and they had got closer at the office but her friends' efforts sounded artificial as if they were just trying to make her forget about Will. It would be vain though; simply impossible to draw a line under him. Sometimes she thought about all the things they were both missing; the evolution of her pregnancy and images more and more precise of their baby. She read stories out loud, talked to her child a lot and tried to relax at the most rocked by Ella Fitzgerald's voice but as soon as she looked up and stared all around her, she couldn't help but realize how hard it was to live it on her own; having nobody to share it with at one in the morning when the baby decided to kick.

The evening was going smoothly at her place. They had ordered Chinese food and laughed a lot, enjoying the silliness so typical from their relation. It was light and pleasant; relaxing.

"You know this cute guy on Amsterdam?"

Jack leaned against the couch where the dark-haired woman was laid, offering her his hair so that she passed her hand through it in this cute way of hers; so sweet. She did immediately and narrowed her eyes before answering.

"You mean the bartender of Starbucks? Yes, I see whom you're talking about, why?"

"Well I'm sure he has a crush on me; unless it's on you, I'm not sure. He always asks me about you when I see him."

She didn't reply, vaguely smiled; a bit timidly. Jack went on.

"Of course if he's not interested into my sex appeal but yours, I will tell him a word or two about Mister Banjo and I'm sure you will never hear from him again!"

Like everyone but Will, the actor had ignored the existence of the cuddly mouse until a few hours earlier when he had noticed a gray ear escaping from behind the cushions of the couch. Karen had confessed it all and now Jack couldn't help but laugh at such an unexpected twist.

He began to laugh heartedly but stopped all of a sudden as the absence of reaction from the millionaire hit him. He slowly turned around and looked at her. She had closed her eyes, her head bent down. And even though her hair that had fallen over her face was hiding the slight demonstration of her feelings, the constant shaking of her back was enough to let Jack understand that she was crying. He kneeled up and grabbed her tiny frame in his arms; hugged her tightly.

She was still too fragile to speak about him without breaking into pieces; way too fragile, too lonely. She embraced his neck before burying her face in his shoulder, thinking about nothing but Will.


	51. Stop, look around and go

**Stop, look around and go**

The dinner had been perfect, comfortable and friendly in spite of having taken place at Will's, without him of course. She hadn't come back there since their last face-to-face and strong argument at her own flat. She had avoided it meticulously for every single corner reminding her of them; a kiss, a smile, a hope. It would just emphasize the failure of her life if she happened to pass the door and look all around her, no matter the energy and concentration she would put in her efforts. She was still weak and until the moment she had made a step forward, her brain had been twirling in a fury, wondering if she was doing right. Against all expectations her smile hadn't been forceful and she had relaxed enough to enjoy the evening at the most.

She winced at Grace, putting on her coat and left around midnight. She was tired but for the very first time in a very long while she had been able to fully appreciate long hours with her friends, keeping the tears away from her mind and she was fine. She joked with Jack and told him good-night as the elevators finally arrived. He went back at his place and just as she was stepping into the elevators, she gasped then slid down on the floor.

Grace was chewing a donut when her cell phone rang. Frowning before the very late call, she subconsciously rushed to it, her heart beginning to beat faster. She was anxious. Nobody was in need of a conversation at almost one in the morning. She looked at the ID on the screen before shaking her head, obviously confused.

"Karen, it's you? Have you forgotten something? Where are you?"

The absence of reply frankly made her panic until she perceived a vague moan on the other end of the line. She didn't think it twice and ran to the door, opened it quickly then dropped it out as she saw Karen on the floor, huddled up against herself. She kneeled down next to her and cupped the millionaire's face with her hands. She was pale, sobbing quietly.

"It's okay; I'm here."

She had always thought that the emergency room was a noisy place where old and nasty ladies tried to get exhausted children on their nerves just to make them cry and produce thus an unbearable cacophony. The interior designer looked around her and raised her eyebrows, slightly disappointed. It was as calm as a church.

"Where is she?"

His voice made her jump for not having seen him come in and so Grace stood up; rushed in Will's arms. She had had to face a complicated situation before her friends' separation, balancing all the time between the unfair pain suffered by Karen and her natural closeness to the attorney. She had tried to be impartial, no matter the consequences. She had clearly let Will understand that she didn't share his point of view at all even though she knew the reason that had pushed him to such delicate decision but for once, she would back up Karen. He had accepted but taken some distance with her and while hugging him that night, the red-haired woman realized that it was good to get him back in her arms, an implicit way of apologizing. Misfortunes always worked like that. She broke apart and frowned.

"Nobody can see her yet; she's having medical exams. She got tranquillizers in the ambulance and it's when they place the baby under monitoring that they realized the heartbeats weren't regular… I'm so sorry, Will."

The attorney blinked, unable to articulate the slightest world. For a couple of seconds he thought that the world was simply breaking into pieces but that the whole process was going so slowly that it would probably never finished; it would be long, a painful agony. His heart kept on beating for whatever reason he didn't get at all and for the first time of his life, he weighed too much the awfulness of his acts; how bitter an unreasonable vengeance always tasted.

"This is all my fault…"

He looked down and shook his head, pushing away Grace's comforting hand then headed straight to nowhere in particular with the single goal in head to find out Karen's bedroom and never take his eyes off of her again. Nobody should play with a broken heart and strong sentiments of love. Within five minutes he was pushing the door, entering slowly the room. The first thing he noticed was how her stomach had grown and immediately his heart tightened while realizing all the things he had missed; how he had missed her. She was sleeping peacefully, rocked by the beeps of the machines; bent down and planted a kiss on her forehead but a tear escaped and ran down over her nose.

She moved and woke up slowly as a wet touch made contact with her face; was it raining? And where was she? She thought she was dreaming when she opened her eyes in the first place and saw him next to her, vaguely sitting down on the edge of the bed. She had had this vision so many times that her mind had assimilated it to a mere and cruel fantasy but when his hand pressed hers and she finally felt his heat, she realized that it wasn't a dream. She wanted to jump in his arms and kiss him, never break apart. But she had been hurt by his reaction; it had made her angry, sad but furious. She turned her back at him and let go of his hand.

"Go away, Will."

Her voice had been low and cold, pleading and regretful; antithetical. He didn't move; she sighed.

"I said: go away…"

"Marry me."

She gasped; firstly because he had unexpectedly cut her halfway in her sentence and then for the meaning of his words. She burst into tears and looked back at him, rolling with difficulty on the narrow bed.

"How can you do that to me? We don't propose someone just because a child may be dying!"

He couldn't help but jump, afraid and fascinated at the same time by the way she had used such terms; he had always admired, more or less healthily, her capacity to adapt herself to the up and downs of life. He frowned and swallowed hard.

"Don't say that, Karen. Please, don't say that. Gosh… I'm so sorry. I missed you so much. I'm so sorry."

Will plunged his face in her neck and began to cry, waiting desperately for a sign of forgiveness from the millionaire. She was angry and hurt, he was too but her emotions were fairer and he could hardly believe what he had done to her.

Mary Hazel rushed in but froze while facing her patients' embrace.

"Oups, I'm sorry. I have the results though."

She showed a sheet of paper and approached the bed. She was smiling; Karen relaxed. She knew the scientist pretty well now.

"Will, what a surprise! I thought you had been abducted by aliens. It's good to see you back."

Before the two future parents' obvious lack of sense of humor at this exact moment, Mary cleared her voice and nodded to nothing in particular.

"Your child's blood pressure is back to normal, as well as yours. However I want you to stay over for the night in observation because you've been playing with fire and according to your presence here, you're not good at it. Your pregnancy is extremely delicate, really fragile. Please, be careful, Karen; you too Will."

The scientist went away, closing the door softly behind her. They stared at it for a couple of seconds, unsure of what to say or do. Will filled his lungs with a deep breath and turned back to look at Karen. He wasn't smiling but his seriousness was full of tenderness and sincerity. His fingers caressed her cheek; she didn't push him away.

"It's not an excuse, a way of apologizing, Karen. I really want to marry you, for the only and logical reason that I love you. But yes, if we are in the process of some confession then… You have no idea how I'm sorry. If you don't want to hear from me again then I will pass this door and never come back to you. I will respect your decision; I've been stupid and if it's the price I have to pay then I will. I love you so much though."

"Say it again."

"Which part?"

"Your favorite one; the one you consider as the most important."

"I love you and that's why I want to marry you."

He couldn't help but frown before the dark-haired woman's silence. She wasn't moving an inch, wasn't smiling either; slightly breathing. If he had happened to propose her two months earlier, he would have never had any doubt about her answer but the chaos of the last events had spread a veil of incertitude over his mind and his heart began to beat faster when she finally opened her lips to speak.


	52. Drawing a line

**Drawing a line**

She passed the door of her flat and turned around to smile timidly at Will then took off her coat, walking forward silently. The night had been short at the hospital, interrupted every five seconds by the beep of a machine in the room next door or the steps of a nurse in the corridor. She was exhausted and wished nothing but go straight to her bed in order to find back the heat of a blanket and the smoothness of the mattress. Her eyes followed the attorney's movements as he proceeded to put down her bag in a slow motion as if he wasn't sure of what his next move was supposed to be. They both looked embarrassed, awkward but nonetheless relieved. Clearing her voice, she reached his hand but her fingers didn't stop and she caressed his face with a troubling attention, like a blind person trying to memorize someone's features. In successive waves of gentle touch, the back of her fingers made contact with the curves of his skin, embracing it lovingly, twirling around to make one with his own body and her nails signed the end of the walk while sliding and vanishing in the transparency of the air. She buried her face in his neck and closed her eyes as he passed his arms around her waist to hold her tight. She had missed their gestures, the mere fusion of their hearts as soon as they hugged.

She had stayed distant at the hospital for the couple of minutes more he had stayed with her in the room. She might have not answered yet his question for Grace and Jack having rushed in at that exact moment but she had certainly not forgotten it either. Implicit rules of an untouchable existence had imposed themselves then and he had had to leave, only to come back a couple of hours earlier that morning to accompany her at her flat. Facing their new intimacy owned a singular sensation of anxiety, mixed with desire, hopes and fears. Her heart was beating quickly as she broke apart, only a few inches away from his lips then leaned over and kissed him; at last. The subtlety of her forgiveness made him smile and as she felt his reaction against her, tears began to run on her cheeks. She wasn't moved but in complete disbelief before the fact he was back in her arms.

Grabbing his hand, she led him to the bedroom, never breaking their embrace; just in case he would disappear again, definitely this time. It was a weird and ridiculous superstition but an unknown strength pushed her not to do so and she never let go of him, vaguely struggling with her prominent stomach all along though, barely closing her eyes to catch up the long time she hadn't been able to see him and no matter she was tired, she didn't want to fall asleep. Her gaze seemed to be fascinated by his lips, his nose, his brown eyes while her hands were attracted to his chest like her legs to his thighs.

"I love you, honey. "

She smiled brightly at him, leaned up on her elbow; still a bit breathless. She should try to slow down and take her time a little more. A physical activity was good and healthy but only if she adapted it to the realism of her situation. Will rolled on his side and lie her down so that they faced each other, lost in a net of arms; then passed his fingers through her hair.

"What have you done when I wasn't there?"

His question took her aback. She would have never thought that he would come up with it at such a sweet moment. The sharpness of the last events contrasted so much with the tenderness of an embrace. She swallowed hard, looking down before assuming her answer.

"I spent most of my time crying."

Such a confession was so rare from Karen that she even had some troubles to deal with the sound of it as she dared to let her feelings come out. Did she look like weak? She had always imagined that it would turn that way though now it had finally happened, she only felt normal and even more secured. There was something warm in the fact of accepting to be weak. The attorney frowned, regretfully, and kissed her temple before hugging her tight.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, honey."

"Karen… There's something… I don't want to push you to it and after all you have to take your time but… I wasn't kidding, you know; last night. I really meant what I said; well, what I asked you."

He was nervous, his eyes wandering from right to left before vanishing in the furtive contemplation of the ceiling. She bit her lower lip then cupped his face to calm him down and lock her eyes with his. She didn't think it twice, not even take a breath; swallow hard. She leaned over and murmured against his lips by the affirmative.

"I do want to marry you, Will."

A light laugh escaped from her mouth and she raised her eyebrows, repeating it louder this time.

"Yes, I want to marry you."

She finally succumbed to her fatigue and when she woke up a couple of hours later, the fireplace of her bedroom was on. The afternoon had just begun and a cold but shining sun was passing through the window, caressing her bare skin softly. She couldn't stop smiling at him, her fingers intertwined with his and while they let the silence of the flat rock them peacefully, she understood that it was how her life was meant to be.


	53. It's a pencil story

**It's a pencil story**

What was the problem of being elitist? She did think that Manhattan was unique, that Tiffany's was the quintessence of luxury and that a lunch at The Four Seasons was overrated but her opinions, as settled down as they were, only reflected a sentiment shared by the necessity of a common sense. In a word, Karen's ideas weren't exhaustingly annoying but simply logical. Or at least she thought so and that's why when Will announced to go to Brooklyn in order to buy furniture at Ikea, the millionaire began to shake uncontrollably; a wave of nausea and panic spreading over her heart. There was a time when she loved going to Park Slope in the late morning, especially in October when the colors of the trees got a shade of melancholic hope like the pale taste of a dream; it was time for retrospection and faith in a near future. But like the brownish leaves of the fall, she had changed her mind unless it was just the passing of time and its untouchable sequels that had made her twirl around and draw a line under Brooklyn; for some secret reasons. She barely crossed the bridge, now.

Putting on one of Will's cashmere sweaters, the dark-haired woman pouted. In the facts, she had nothing better to do. Grace was at her parents' place for the weekend and Jack was on a new date. The weather seemed to become warmer as the days slowly passed by, idyllic for some walk outside but still. The mere idea that she had to leave Manhattan even for a couple of hours wasn't easy to accept. Before her obvious lack of enthusiasm, the attorney took a deep breath and assembled in a furtive but nonetheless efficient motion all his arguments and skills to convince her that it was a good idea and she wouldn't regret it but he unfortunately knew her too well; the task would be difficult if not impossible. He made a timid step forward and passed his arms around her waist, slowly caressing her lower back.

"We will go to Barney's after…"

She scoffed and pushed him away then headed to the kitchen for some strawberry juice. She was dying for it lately; the smoothness of the drink embraced her tongue in a dizzy motion and she loved it. She took a long sip, raising her eyebrows in silence at Will. She wasn't dubitative at all, simply bitterly amused and so Will frowned, dreading her reply. She could take all her time that the effect would be the same; sharp and incisive.

"Don't fool me, Wilma. We will never be able to make and Ikea, and Barney's. The Swedish guys are smart and they do it all so that we spend the whole day wandering through their stores. The worst of all is that it works out pretty well."

"Have you already been there?"

Will looked incredulous. He surely had never seen any piece of furniture at Karen's that came from Ikea and even less when she still lived at the manse. His question seemed to offend her like anytime the millionaire was actually put into a novice category: she would deny it all along or sound extremely shy, way too much to be taken seriously. She had so many difficulties to deal with the slightest weakness that she would always choose to laugh at it at the end. It was easier and reassuring.

"Why, do you really think that I buy my pencils, Will?"

She didn't say a word until they passed the doors of the immense building and then, like bewitched by a devilish effervescence, she simply became hysterical. She forgot about her painful back and never hesitated to squat down to have a better look at every single item; her smile growing bigger, her eyes sparkling happily. Pushed by an invisible strength and avid of discovers, she didn't stop grabbing Will's hand, literally dragging him over delicate crushes as well as improbable flings like the singular affection she started developing about frogs; from bath towels to bedside lamps, she found the presence of the animal extremely cute even though they finally settled down their choices on classic items, sage colors and natural wood.

And she had been right. They came back to her flat around 9pm with an impressive amount of boxes while they had ordered most of the furniture through a delivery and it's only when she realized that she would have to assemble it all for the specificity of Ikea being to sell everything in kits that her smile froze and the spell broke into pieces.

"Then I hope that Rosario was good at Lego as a kid."

Will laughed at her remark and kept on lighting on vanilla scent candles that Karen had insisted to buy for 'The Bahamas spirit' they reminded her of. He hadn't complained before such ridiculous excuse, after all it would have the credits to be romantic.

"That's the devilish Swedish strategy. It looks gorgeous and easy to get at their stores but once you find yourself in front of a thousand of little pieces you're not even able to name, it turns out to be a serious nightmare; a sweet one though, we'll do it together."

"Damn I will certainly not sit down on the floor to play a stupid West Side _peόn_."

"You will give the orders; I will be your slave."

"Deal accepted."

She took off her shoes, Manolo Blahnik ones but she had had to renounce to her high heels, and sat down on the couch, resting her hands on the attorney's shoulders; then planted a kiss on his cheek as he was still squatted down, his back turned at her as he was concentrated on lighting on the candles on the coffee table. She closed her eyes and buried her face in his neck; he smiled.

"I missed you, honey."

He caressed her hand and couldn't help but smirk.

"Now tell me how many pencils you took."

Falsely growing in annoyance she took a dozen of pencils out of her pockets; Will nodded.

"Okay and how many of them are you hiding in your purse?"

"Damn you and your suspicions!"

There were forty.


	54. The principles of impossibility

**The principles of impossibility**

Vanilla owned this singularity to exist under an impressive amount of different forms. From soap to candles, passing by cakes and drinks, the sweet smell of the exotic spice could find a reason to be at every single moment of the day if it wasn't for rocking souls during their night sleep. She wouldn't have been able to explain the sudden affection and even less the latent addiction that seemed to emerge from her close relation to it but as she reached her seven month being pregnant, Karen began to swear only by it. She needed to feel it everywhere, to embrace the strong and obsessive fragrance that would then spread its charms over her heart, above her head so that a state of perfect well-being took possession of her. Even Mister Banjo was smelling of vanilla now.

Mister Banjo, the king of everyone's wonders and astonishment; she held her breath as Will opened the washing machine. She had been anxious all along the cycle, looking with an obvious tension at the water and the multicolored ribbon of clothes twirling around under the pressure and the soap. Several times she had thought seeing the hat or a bit of an ear, lost among an old t-shirt wearing proudly the emblem of Will's university. They were two different grays but she hadn't put her glasses on so she wouldn't have been to say if it had really been it or a mere trick from her mind. She had got it from her father when they were still in Illinois. She was five or four, no more and he had suddenly appeared in the doorframe of the tiny living-room holding the mouse in his hands. He hadn't given any explanation about the reason why Mister Banjo was now part of her life, had stayed vague about the provenance of the cuddly toy. By then she had just imagined that the pet was born the exact same day she had met it like in an old love story and it only meant that they were supposed to share the rest of their lives in a strict and so reassuring intimacy.

The attorney grabbed it by the legs and after adjusting the raincoat, smiled at Karen.

"You see, Mister Banjo is still here and in one piece."

"It's all wet now."

She pouted and passed her fingers slowly over the head, so carefully as if her touch could break it into pieces. She looked worried, upset and extremely weak. Will restrained a laugh before the dark-haired woman's childish attitude and decided to see in it something cute, completely unexpected; all of a sudden he hoped that their child would inherit the peculiar characteristic.

"It needs to dry now, that's all. How about we put it on the window?"

"Have you lost your mind? It could fall down or even worst get stolen!"

Will was learning little by little the subtleties of Karen's mechanisms; how to detect an almost invisible nuance in her voice as soon as the limits of sweetness flirted with annoyance and anger. Then he stopped, took a deep breath and let it go. It happened a lot lately especially in the evening when she was tired or in delicate situations like Mister Banjo's turn in the washing machine. He passed an arm around her waist, kissed her temple and after having checked that the mouse would be safe enough suspended over the counter top of the kitchen, proceeded to take off the rest of laundry until the millionaire's next shriek. He had known immediately that she would not give up so easily and that was why she had stayed close to the cuddly toy, looking at it quietly.

"Will! I knew it'd be a bad idea! It doesn't smell anymore of vanilla but some common and disgusting soap fragrance! This is a scandal and you're going to pay for it!"

She was menacing him with a baby bottle in one hand and a donut in the other. For some reason her hair was a mess and her sweater, or better said Will's one, was too large and had slid on her shoulder revealing thus the strap of a purple bra. Her lips kept on moving but he lost tracks of the words she was saying, absorbed in the contemplation of her natural features. She was beautiful like that, with all her imperfections that suddenly turned out to be sublime for owning an irresistible logic. He was facing Karen by then, the real one and it was so different that he wondered if one day he would stop being surprised as soon as she happened to show her persona. He hadn't fallen for the extravagant diva of The Upper East Side but for the clumsy girl, a bit shy, that woke up in his arms every morning and blushed while she locked her eyes with his and he whispered to her ear that she was his own dream.

"What are you staring at like that, Wilma?"

She knew this silly grin by heart; how the flame in the eyes seemed to fade away slowly, lost in the contemplation of a dizzy desire as the lips formed a perfect curve of a beloved sweetness. She rolled her eyes in anticipation as he stood up and reached her face to plant a kiss on her forehead.

"I seriously doubt that you will hurt me with this kind of weapons."

He motioned the baby bottle with his head; she stayed still, surprised by his comment. She hadn't expected such a reply. She put it down slowly on the counter and shrugged. A sudden shyness had swallowed her so-called previous anger and as her fingertips began to play with a spoon abandoned at her reach, Will understood that Karen wasn't fine.

"I won't be a good mother, Will; I won't, it's impossible. All these things are cute and terribly tempting but… They don't match with me at all. The combination is lame; I'm not good at that."

"Come here."

Pushing away from her face a strand of black hair, Will embraced her waist with his arms before planting a kiss on her head; then leaned his chin against it, closed his eyes. What he had learned the most about Karen was that sometimes she didn't need words but a simple gesture of affection, a sign of tenderness and care.


	55. Way back home

**Way back home**

She had never experienced it, just vaguely fantasized about the way it could be when the other students packed their things and she found herself alone on the campus for the whole weekend. Sunday had been assimilated to a strong sentiment of family spirit by the majority of the population but for Karen it was the reflection of a difference she would have loved being able to draw a line under. For once the dark-haired woman wished nothing but look like everyone and deal with the train journey and the odd sensation that coming back home seemed to stir up so suddenly. The effervescence flirted with a stressful anticipation of inevitable face-to-face with the matriarch and the realization that one more time, generations weren't made to get on well. But it was part of the game and she would have done anything to live it properly. She didn't even know where her mother lived while being in college. Since she had run away at sixteen, she hadn't heard from her and it would take a decade or so before both women seeing each other again.

Thanksgiving and birthdays were the most common reasons of their way to her friends' parents' places and she had always been glad to be invited, even though she had stayed quiet over it. At last she had felt like she had belonged to a real family; if only for a couple of hours, twice a year. She passed the door of some suburban house and people were arguing, making peace, eating and joyfully speaking over a meal. It sounded so cliché that sometimes, it was hard to believe it was a pure reality.

They had woken up a bit early and the only perspectives of going to his parents for the whole day had turned Will into a destructive apathy. For once she had been the one who had dragged him out of the bed; the one preparing coffee, kissing his lips softly to make the day sweet and warm, smooth. She was happy to attend some family reunion; the attorney was simply sick, looking in disbelief at the millionaire's enthusiasm. She had bought a new dress the day before, a sage purple item with elegant lines and feminine design. The empire waist would emphasize her stomach but to be completely honest, her curves didn't let her indifferent now and she was proud of them somehow. It was a matter of adaptation and singular advantages she just needed to learn about in order to get the best of them. She was getting it, for her highest pleasure.

Stepping out of the bathroom, she smiled at Will for the hundredth time of the morning and passed her arms around his waist. Switching roles was funny; she restrained a laugh while kissing him then murmured against his ear that everything would go perfectly. Why was he so nervous anyway? She had already met most of his relatives and in circumstances that had nothing to do with the seriousness and the responsible shades of their present situation. She swallowed back a veil of doubts asking for nothing but penetrate her mind nastily then convinced herself that the attorney wasn't ashamed of her, of the image they gave, of the person she was. They didn't speak a lot about their respective families; she simply hoped that Will's relatives had nothing special against her, some sharp opinions that he wouldn't dare to confess to her just in case she would feel hurt.

She took a deep breath, drowned her fears and twirled around to show him her new dress. She wasn't tired, her stomach wasn't tensed and the baby moved softly, peacefully which brought a quiet harmony to her soul and so she was fine; happy.

They left Manhattan and she felt asleep rocked by Grace's voice telling some story in the background while the regular speed of the car took her away in a cloud of blurry dreams. Jack's fingers through her hair woke her back an hour and a half later and as she opened her eyes groggily, the trees of the Trumans' front yard appeared in front of her. This was the house she would have loved having. It was so regular, so logical and reassuring that for a couple of seconds, Karen got lost in her thoughts and the person she would have been if she had happened to have a normal life with strong bases like Will's. Not that moving to New Jersey or Connecticut was her dream but as she passed a hand over her stomach, she bit the inside of her mouth and made a wish to offer to her child all the things she had lacked and it began with a real family.

People were everywhere. From the kitchen to the stairs, members of the attorney's family had invaded the house and while she was passing and shaking hands, trying desperately to remember some people's names, she froze and looked at him. The world seemed to have stopped all of a sudden, like in the movies and even though she could see the others move around her, her brain had closed the doors to any sound; her heartbeats resuming the essence of the scene, the incomprehension of coincidence, the confusion of sentiments. He was older now, with deeper features and white hair but she clearly recognized him and never doubted that she could have mistaken some cousin with an old and dear acolyte.

She ended up facing him of course and didn't say a word, simply locked her eyes with his. Had she changed more than him and so he wouldn't be able to make the connection? He might even have forgotten her mere existence; she hadn't. Smiling shyly she waited for a sign from him and before his perplexity, the dark-haired woman understood. She was still there, somewhere in his mind, probably lost under an impressive amount of dust and the craziness of youth.

"How are you?"

She jumped while hearing her own voice. It was lower and softer than usual; exactly as it was by then. Subconsciously she had come back to it, just to match with the time he belonged to at least until that morning. He nodded and planted the palm of his hand over her stomach before finally raising his eyebrows, looking melancholic.

"I always knew it would suit you very well. Do you have a big family?"

She shook her head, not really surprised by the lack of casualty of the conversation. They had always defied conventions.

"It's my first one and probably the only one; long story short, I went through a lot to reach this pregnancy... What are you doing here?"

"I'm a friend of Sam Truman; and you?"

"I'm engaged to his brother, Will."

There were so many things she wanted to say to him, so many explanations to give; infinite apologies. But it all got confused in her mind and as she didn't know how to begin, she abdicated and drew a line under the idea to catch up time. If she opened her mouth and started, she would have a whole life to tell him and it wasn't the right place to, even less the right time. He took a sip of champagne, bringing his hand right in front of her; she realized he was married. Her heart tightened. What had she missed?

"Are you okay?"

Will arrived and kissed her temple then placed his hand on her lower back. She looked down, a bit intimidated, awkward. But very soon she felt like observing him again; after all these years she needed time to analyze his face and refresh the old image of him that she had kept alive.

"Will honey, may I introduce you an old friend of mine; probably one of the best professors of literature I ever knew… This is Todd Harvey; Todd, this is Will, Sam's brother."

The name sounded familiar to the attorney but he couldn't replace it properly until it suddenly hit him with the brightness of logic as soon as the man explained that he was teaching at Yale. Vaguely taken aback by the unexpected turn of the events, Will shook Karen's ex boyfriend's hand, wishing nothing but tell him that she had probably suffered a lot before the way their story had involuntarily finished. She hadn't chosen to put an end to it but had had to cope with the bitter taste of having failed, having missed everything.


	56. Doubting

**Doubting**

She thought about him while coming back to Manhattan that night and when she turned off the lights, closed her eyes to sleep. Todd was there, smiling peacefully at her. He didn't seem to be waiting for anything in particular but she felt like making a step forward, no matter how regretful it could be. She rolled on her side and huddled up against Will. Was she supposed to feel guilty? What for anyway, she hadn't cheated on him at all and the attorney's attitude had been irreproachable. He had even conversed with her ex for a very long time without it sounding awkward or forced. Passing her hand underneath his shirt, she leaned over and kissed his neck mischievously; he responded immediately and she let it go. Making love was a sweet if not efficient way to push aside any kind of worries.

"It's a veritable hormonal ebullition and what we could see as obstacles, like your prominent stomach that slows down your movements and makes them clumsy, is perceived as an exciting challenge, isn't it? It's normal; it follows the different stages of your pregnancy. You have reached a high degree of adaptation now and the impatience of meeting at last your child added to this new sentiment of well-being gives you an impressive self-confidence, idyllic for a sexual activity. Don't you feel like doing it all the time?"

Karen blushed and shrugged before giggling nervously. It came by waves. Sometimes the slightest reference to an intimate relationship was enough to set off a whole series of childish reactions while other times, her features turned deeper and she stayed serious all along, assuming her words with a consistent responsibility. Obviously that morning, she had to be put in the first category. She sat up and adjusted her dark red silky top, letting her fingers slide slowly over her stomach, caressing it softly. Lately she had started guessing parts of the baby's body, a hand, a foot, as soon as her skin was fine enough to make the contact sound even more realistic.

"I don't know. It's a bit frustrating."

Surprised by the millionaire's reply, Mary Hazel narrowed her eyes and shook her head. She sat down next to Karen. She seemed to be highly curious and dubitative.

"I don't understand. What is frustrating?"

The dark-haired woman was looking at the floor, blinking nervously as her fingertips brushed to soft fabric of her clothes. How could she speak about such things with her scientist? Her tongue clasped against her teeth; her lips were dry.

"I may be missing some things, some positions you know."

Mary smiled brightly, amused by the unexpected confession. She had seen Karen passing by a whole panel of different states from the stress of results to the improbability of her problems but even though the millionaire had been weak from time to time, the scientist was nonetheless sure that her patient wasn't that timid in her private life. She didn't say a word but simply raised her eyebrows. She had been taken aback. Before the awkward silence, Karen bit the inside of her mouth, regretting her latest remark.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were asking me about this kind of things…"

"Oh I was but it's your answer that surprised me; if I get it well… I don't know, I thought that you tended to dominate your relationship."

Was she supposed to speak about it with her scientist? The baby moved, complaining about her sudden stress. She made a face and planted the palm of her hand at the exact same place where it had hurt a little.

"I used to; it's different with Will. I can't really explain it but… I love the simplicity of it. It's sweet and I need his body against me. It tends to reassure me, I guess. I'm almost never on top…"

She had lowered her voice in her last sentence; it was intimidating. Mary Hazel stood up and shrugged.

"You know, most of women do prefer the missionary position. Perhaps it suits better the sweetness of love than what casual sex and bolder positions require. Isn't making love a matter of instinct, of mood? Sometimes you are mischievous; sometimes you just want to be soft. The important point and the only one that really matters is that you're satisfied; period. Within a month you will be able to come back to missionary."

"I can have sex just after the birth?"

Karen opened her eyes wider and blinked. The scientist frowned, nodded.

"Okay, my apologies; you're right. I give you two months and a half, perhaps three. There's no rules about it. The aftermath is special and to be honest, you don't feel like having sex immediately. Then it also depends on how the labor went and then the most important is to listen to your body; your desires. Take your time and it will go smoothly."

She left the clinic a bit troubled by the conversation, pleased too as a matter of fact. She had so many questions rushing to her mind but almost nobody to answer to them. Grace hadn't experienced motherhood yet and confessing so personal details to her mother or Marilyn didn't sound good either.

"I hope your son will have your features; not that Will is ugly but you're a beauty queen."

She jumped and swallowed hard while facing Todd. She couldn't help but smile as she realized that he was wearing a tweed jacket; nobody ever forgets the good times…

"What are you doing here? I don't know if it's a boy…"

"You live in a men's world, Karen and you will always do. Call him Liam."

She shook her head in disbelief, obviously amused though. She followed him, for some mysterious reason and accepted a lunch; then a whole afternoon. She wouldn't say it to Will, she felt guilty; not for having spent a whole day with a man but for the feelings he was stirring up in her heart. As blurry as they were, she couldn't ignore them either.


	57. The object of my desire

**The object of my desire**

Her eyes got closed furtively, her breath was short and if it hadn't been for the attorney standing next to her, scrutinizing her reaction, she would have let a bright smile come out for feeling so proud. The shelves looked like shelves and the crib was the exact image of the little reproduction she had been observing during long hours of an intense concentration. Will had insisted that they should do it together; she had put aside the fears of some argument with him and abdicated. Nobody had yelled at the other and they had worked in perfect unison with a fluid logic and a warm atmosphere. She had even enjoyed it and couldn't help feeling a bit sad somehow now that it was over. It sounded so right when she was with him; his presence was reassuring, she felt cared about.

A smile played timidly on her lips and she nodded at Will. The truth was that they were both moved. Besides the ultra-sound pictures and Karen's stomach, the nursery was an evidence more of the imminent birth and their new parenthood. They were reaching a state of no-return, a decisive moment in existence that required responsibilities and seriousness but that would also provide them an indescribable happiness, a unique joy. The attorney grabbed her hand and caressed it softly. She loved the gesture, so typical from their relationship. It was delicate, almost imperceptible for any external person but indispensable to her; like his presence. They were made of subtlety while being together, an odd fusion of souls and compatibility.

"I'm scared to death, Will."

Her remark made him jump. He hadn't expected it at all while seeing her peaceful features that seemed to reflect more an idea of accomplishment and pride than a sudden but nonetheless frank panic.

"What are you talking about, Karen? We managed to turn this closet into a secure and welcoming nursery without the help of anyone else. I guess we handled it pretty well."

"It's not that, honey, but the fact to see all these baby things. I don't even know the name of half of them and… I'm just afraid that I won't be able to face maternity properly. What if I hurt the baby?"

He still hadn't found out the right words to ease her fears before such wonders. She dared to confess her insecurities to him, which was already in itself a very complex task for the millionaire, and so his frustrating blocks always let him in a state of poverty and shame. He felt powerless, unable to assume his role as he should have been doing. He planted a kiss on her head and tightened the embrace on her waist.

"You managed to prepare a whole nursery, Karen. You have enough sense of responsibility to deal with complicated situations. Your instinct will do the rest. Besides I'm here, we're a team, a good one. I love you."

The dark-haired woman smiled and huddled against his chest, then closed her eyes.

"I love you too, honey."

Was love invincible? In the very first place she had even thought that the conception was a mere utopia but with the passing of years, her heart had tasted of a not so transparent feeling and she had succumbed, like everyone. Todd smiled at her; she held her breath. He was a wave of fresh air in her smooth routine, an old fragrance from the past that rejuvenated her mind; a bitter mistake too perhaps. She saw him for lunchtime or a coffee break in the middle of the afternoon. He had a meeting in New York and would be off again in a couple of days. It motivated her. It wouldn't last, they would not get attached. She didn't have to anyway; neither did he. He was happily married, she was with Will.

The silence of Barnes and Noble looked after their discussions while sipping a mug of tea, lost in the depths of armchairs and they tried to catch up time, delighted by their complicity that even the years hadn't managed to erase. The situation was confusing, at least for Karen. Todd didn't seem to be bothered. After all they were only conversing but for the dark-haired woman the lines of infidelity had already been crossed. It didn't necessarily have to be physical; it was a matter of how your heart responded to the situation. And Karen's one was beating loud, way too loud.

She tried to convince herself that she was safe, that it was just a pure craziness from her confused mind. The professor's attitude was friendly, nothing more. There was no sign, the slightest detail that he would make a step forward one day and take away her life that would tip over in the darkness of an uncertain future. Karen had been right about it. Todd's intentions were cleared and platonic but perhaps if she had listened to her heart with more attention, she would have figured out earlier the real springs of her doubts. She would have guessed everything: the rain, the wait for a taxi and her lips against his as she would lean over and kiss him. It would be clear of a sudden that the person she was dreading reactions from was nobody but herself in person.

She came back home right after her unexpected gesture, rushing to the kitchen; panicked. She grabbed a glass of water, drank it then ran to the shower. Her clothes landed on the floor and she stepped under the water. It was a hot contact, a disturbing one. The baby hadn't stopped moving since she had kissed Todd, probably absorbing the high stress of her own soul. She took a deep breath but it sounded sharp, short and incisive. A couple of minutes passed by before the situation finally exploding into a torrent of tears and she squatted down on the tub, rocked by the violence of her pain. Why had she had to ruin everything like that? She heard the door get closed and Will's voice resound in the background; she swallowed back her cries and hurried to the attorney, wrapped in a bath towel. She hugged him very tight, closed her eyes.

"I love you so much, Will."

Her sudden arrival in his arms made him lose his balance and he vaguely stumbled backwards before hugging her back. She was upset but sincere and no matter what she might have done, he never asked for an explanation; he didn't care, he loved Karen and even though she had realized it through some potential mistake, she loved him as well. The rest was pointless.


	58. Weighing a lot, too much

**Weighing a lot, too much**

Three days passed by but as her anxiety remained Karen understood that she wouldn't be able to keep it for herself. It had to come out, no matter the series of disasters that would follow her confession. It would ruin everything but at the same time it had only depended on her and she had been the one who had activated the destructive process while leaning over and kissing her ex-boyfriend. She had never cheated on anyone. As much as her behavior had brushed the limits of insolence and scandal, being faithful had always been a high principle in her day-to-day life and she couldn't believe that she had done that to Will, the only man she had ever loved. Why did life turn out to be so sharp sometimes? The years were passing by slowly and the millionaire was realizing little by little that she was paying now for every single mistake she had made in the darkness of her past,

"I cheated on Will."

She blinked twice, looking blankly at the edge of Grace's desk as the interior designer froze immediately and put an abrupt end to her light monologue; then turned around and stared at the dark-haired woman in disbelief. She didn't say a word though, didn't really seem to be angry either. Her absence of reaction was troubling. Karen bit her lower lip; she dreaded the moment her friend would start speaking but she also needed it. She had made the first step and now there was no way for her to come backwards and pretend it had never happened.

"Say something, Gracie."

The red-haired woman raised her eyebrows. She was confused and obviously had been let speechless. Her lungs got filled with a deep breath and she clasped her hands, grabbed a stool and sat down in front of Karen.

"Whom have you slept with?"

The millionaire shook her head as silent tears began to run down her cheeks. She was panicked, felt lost and terribly lonely before her own mistakes.

"I haven't slept with anyone; I kissed a man, an ex-boyfriend of mine."

An awkward and intensive silence seemed to spread over the office as Grace analyzed Karen's comment.

"And now you're regretting it."

"You have no idea."

Snuffling, the millionaire swept away some tears with her sleeve. Her eyes were looking intensively at the ceiling to stop crying; she was breathing heavily; the baby was kicking.

Grace grabbed her hand timidly and pressed it, caressing her fine skin as peacefully as she could but her own fingers were shaking.

"Kissing someone is not really being unfaithful especially when we see in what kind of state it let you then. It's okay, Karen. We all make mistakes and the most important is what you have learned from it. Obviously you don't want more from this person."

"I love Will; I love him more than anything."

Karen stood up and started pacing the room slowly, looking all around but being unable to concentrate on a point. She sighed finally and stopped, turning around to face Grace, hands on her hips.

"I have never hated myself so much. I'm just a whore, a fucking stupid bitch; heartless. A part of mine, probably the coward one, wants to stay quiet over it but I know that I should tell him about it. What do you think? I'm so scared; I can lose him."

"You won't; if you're honest with him then you won't. Will forgives easily, and he loves you as much as you love him. Now about telling him… I don't know. I don't see it as a necessity because you reached your own conclusions about it before making the situation worst like sleeping with your ex. Though if it weighs too much on you then yes, tell him."

The words twirled in her head for the rest of the day, spreading their nets over the dinner she shared with Will in a quiet face-to-face. Was it the right moment? Did she have to confess it or adopt the vows of silence for a mistake that would never find any resonance in her future? She made it last, over and over until she huddled up against him in bed and he turned the lights off. She loved feeling the heat of his body passing underneath his shirt and warming up her cheek; rocking her peacefully before she finally fell asleep.

"Have you already cheated on me?"

The question came out by itself through the silence of the room, in the middle of the darkness of the night. Her voice had pierced the air through a timid shade of a dreadful confession, hidden behind a mask of cowardice for not being able to say it properly. Will didn't move, kept on breathing regularly.

"No I haven't."

"Would you be mad at me if I happened to cheat on you?"

"No, I would be mad at me for not having been able to keep your love for me alive. We don't control our feelings so I would come to the conclusion that unless you did it in an act of vengeance, you have no hold over it. We don't choose to fall in love, do we? I would be angry if you slept with someone for no particular reason but I know you well enough Karen; you're not this kind of person. You've never been, no matter what you keep on saying about Stanley and the others. You've been attached to every single man who happened to share your life; in different ways perhaps but still. Casual sex is not your thing, that's why I know I wouldn't be angry. You would cheat on me for having falling in love with this person; or it happens for some obscure reason and from it you get your own conclusions. Then I can't do anything but accept them because I don't own you and will never do. But if I have to be completely honest, I hope that if one day it occurs, then you will come back to me. I don't want you to stay with me by pity but because you love me."

"Would you want me to say it to you if I did?"

"I trust you enough to know that if you're still here, next to me, it's because of the strength of your feelings. I don't need more; as well as you."

A single tear escaped from her eyes but she let it land on her pillow, in the dark; it passed unnoticed.

"I love you, Will."


	59. The day we will see

**The day we will see**

What Karen knew was that the temperature of the bath had to be carefully checked, cries didn't necessarily mean that it was time for meal and she had spent secret hours diaper training in the nursery. It was impossible to say that any woman about to give birth was fully ready to face the situation though the millionaire had to recognize, fairly enough as a matter of fact, that she wasn't as ignorant as she might have been in the past about taking care of a new-born. A dozen of books were still invading her bedside table but the advices only came to twirl in her head like a well-known lullaby and she could have repeated them out loud without the slightest hesitation. It didn't mean that she would be a good mother though at least she would have done her best to valid the theory part and she was proud of it somehow.

The dark-haired woman was chewing on a baby bottle to soften it when the phone rang. Swearing between her teeth before the high probability that the call came from Will, she answered reluctantly; pissed off. She had stopped working two days earlier but her friends hadn't, which had tended to accentuate the attorney's natural anxiety. What if she went into labor while being alone at her flat? He had wanted to take some days off but she had managed to convince him that she would need more help once the baby would be born and so he didn't stop calling her to know if anything was going wrong; apart from her own patience that began to flirt with its limits as soon as she heard his voice. A feminine tone sounded at the other end of the line and even though Karen smiled brightly, she couldn't help biting the inside of her mouth for having been so nasty towards the father of her child. He was just worried, she was getting bored; he was doing his best to entertain her.

Will was sweet; Karen was a bitch. That was just a classic scheme.

But it wasn't the attorney this time and she immediately said yes to Monica's suggestion to go for an ice-cream at Serendipity's. Mary Hazel's warnings about her supposed rest flew away and as her conscious shouted after her that she had to deal carefully with her state for her cervix being opened yet she shrugged and reassured herself. After all she had less risks to go into labor while sitting down on a chair and eating a Sunday than getting one more time into the intense activity she had gone into with Will the night before when their sweet good-night kiss had reached a whole different state of boldness. Anyway she was ready: the bath, the cries, the diapers… She knew everything.

Karen knew everything but what was coming.

She was thinking about adding some caramel syrup on her ice-cream when the baby moved. She felt the weight of her child's body go down, press against an organ that itself began to press on her lower back. The sensation was uncomfortable but bearable enough and so she changed her position on the armchair, vaguely frowning. Monica was in the middle of some hilarious story, another date that had turned into a complete nightmare even before both of them heading to the restaurant. Going from false alerts to false alerts, Karen had learned to minimize her light pains, new sensations. Besides she wasn't due before three weeks; she still had a lot of time. The coldness of the vanilla ice-cream against her tongue sent shivers to her spine but instead of enjoying it, she swallowed hard and put down slowly her spoon. A metallic sound came to her ears as it made contact with the plate but it was too late and her mind was already focused on something else; an odd sensation that she was unable to identify properly.

"Is everything alright, Karen?"

Monica had stopped speaking before her friend's obvious change of behavior but the millionaire shrugged, prevented her hands from shaking uncontrollably like every time she was facing an unknown situation. Lacks of references scared her to death and she lost her nerves easily then.

"Yeah, it's okay. The baby moved that's all. I don't know why but it surprised me a bit."

After of couple of seconds of uncertainty, Monica nodded and went on. The situation was going smoothly and Karen was about to get another spoonful of ice-cream when this time she dropped out the spoon and bent over, pressing instinctively her hand on the side of her stomach; growling. This time her college friend stood up and went next to her then squatted down, frankly panicked.

"Are you having contractions? "

The dark-haired woman looked up in disbelief and shook her head.

"How am I supposed to know? This is my first pregnancy! I have no fucking idea about it."

"When was your last one? When did the baby move?"

"I'd say five or seven minutes ago."

"Okay then let's go."

Monica grabbed Karen's arms and stood her up on her feet. The millionaire stared at her in confusion as if her friend had just replied to her in Japanese.

"Where are we going to?"

"But to the hospital, of course; Karen, you're going to have a baby!"

"No, I'm not! Oh God…"

Another contraction put an abrupt end to her remark; she started crying hysterically.

"But I'm not ready for it!"

Will rushed in but swallowed back his stress as slowly and peacefully as he could when the nurse ordered him to sit down and wait for his turn. The room was quite empty except for a woman who weirdly looked like Karen and a man in his mid-thirties eating a donut, joking around with the nurses. Obviously he knew the clinic very well but didn't seem to be working there. What kind of employee would have spent his days off at work?

"Okay so people for Miss Karen Delaney please follow me."

The only three people in the room stood up immediately and looked at each other in disbelief.

"Oh my God you're Will!"

The dark-haired woman who looked a lot like Karen shrieked and pointed at the attorney with a barely restraint joy, exactly like the man with the donut, which only emphasized Will's incomprehension.

"Do we know each other?"


	60. Karen Walker and co

**Karen Walker and co**

"Oh I'm sorry I know we have never been introduced but my name is Monica, I'm Karen's friend, from college. I was with her at Serendipity's when she started having contractions."

"I'm Dean. I met Karen for the first time a couple of months ago when she came to our sessions here to share her experience about difficult pregnancies. Of course she's been attracted by the donuts in the first place but I guess she began to enjoy it. She didn't say it openly but that's Karen, you know. I was just stopping by here when Samantha, a nurse, told me that our favorite Upper East Side mum was into labor."

Perhaps in other circumstances Will would have found out an effective answer but the pressure and the excitation of the moment cut it all and he simply nodded. Karen was a secretive person, it was a point he had understood long before they both turned closer, intimate. But while standing up in the waiting room that day, the attorney also got that he would always be surprised as soon as the light would show a new part of the millionaire's life.

"Well… Nice to meet you, then, I'm Will."

He passed a nervous hand through his hair and smiled forcefully.

Needles; the word was enough to stir up a wave of nausea and a light fit of panic as soon as someone mentioned it. She turned her head and made a face while looking at her wrist. And now she had had a needle planted right next to her veins for what looked like an eternity. Her heart was pounding loud, her lips were dry. She was about to pass out. The door opened slowly and three heads poked in. She forgot everything, the fact she had been hiding one to another all along and smiled as brightly as her fears let her do. The truth was that she was scared to death; not by the labor in itself but the exact notion of motherhood. Within a few hours now, she would be holding her own child in her arms and Karen couldn't help but shiver in anticipation for it sounding surreal, completely impossible.

Will leaned over and kissed her lips softly then passed his hand on her forehead. She could say that he was as anxious as her but that he also did his best to hide it and reassure her. She relaxed a little, not knowing what to say.

"Are you okay?"

Nodding, she pulled on the sheets. She was embarrassed, vaguely ashamed of her position. She hated looking weak, vulnerable; and with all the electrodes, the painful contractions, it was exactly the way the situation was turning slowly.

"My waters haven't broken yet. It might take quite a while…"

She would have never imagined how right her statement had been. The first contractions at Serendipity's had started at three in the afternoon and while they were approaching midnight, Karen was still dealing painfully with the idea she wasn't about to give birth yet. Mary Hazel had finally arrived, worried that the baby would come so early but after a couple of medical exams everything seemed to finally go smoothly except for the millionaire's patience that had reached its limits.

She was tired, in pain and felt extremely uncomfortable; rolling from side to side in her bed but no matter the position she was adopting, she couldn't have a rest. Another contraction arrived, she clenched her teeth and began to cry, breaking down into pieces unexpectedly.

"I can't do it anymore. I want an epidural…"

"It's too early."

Grace leaned over and grabbed her friend's hand, trying to reassure her at the most. Will and Jack had gone to the cafeteria and finding herself alone with Karen at such a moment was intimidating and delicate. She didn't know what to say or do, dreading a sharp reply from the millionaire who had obviously reached a point of no-return.

"It hurts so badly."

At three in the morning the scientist decided to break the waters as the contractions were close enough to each other to start the labor properly but the minutes were passing by and as much as Karen was pushing, the situation seemed to be stuck. Breathless, she looked at Will, swallowed back her sobs and smiled weakly.

"Thank God it's not a multiple pregnancy."

"Okay Karen we're off for a c-section. I'm sorry but you're exhausted and obviously your child isn't that fond of going out without any help."

Her smile froze and she stared at Mary Hazel in disbelief, frightened.

"What are you talking about? I don't want to go in any surgery!"

The next thing she knew was that Will was wearing a mask, next to her and he was sagely avoiding any look towards her stomach hidden from her by a green sheet. Mary Hazel was speaking in the background until baby's cries pierced the room and the millionaire froze; then jumped while making the first skin-to-skin contact with a dark-haired new-born. She blinked twice and very slowly approached her hand. The little fingers grabbed her thumb; she smiled at Will.

Later that night or better said early in the morning, Karen grabbed Will's hand; held it tight and took a deep breath before telling him about Todd and the kiss. The attorney replied that he didn't mind and on the contrary if it had opened her eyes then he couldn't but bless it. He was right, she had indeed realized that day how much she could love him.

"I'm sorry though, Will. I'm so sorry."


	61. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Karen stepped in the room and walked slowly to the bed, trying to make the less noise possible. It was a beautiful day and the sun was passing through the curtains, caressing the hardwood floor in a warm motion. She squatted down and stayed still for a couple of seconds, looking at the toddler who was still sleeping. Then her hand came to caress the little arm and she smiled brightly; leaned over to plant a kiss on the head. She took her child in her arms, rubbing the back to soften the sharp return to reality after a whole night of sweet dreams and left the room.

Her heart was pounding loud and she felt a bit sick. It wasn't timidity, of course she wasn't timid but speaking about such personal experience in front of strangers always let her dubitative and intimidated. She had never liked confessing her feelings even to her closest friends so those moments were hard but nonetheless important and that's why she never missed one.

"Hi pumpkin…"

Grace took the millionaire's child in her arms and began to twirl around slowly, vaguely dancing; then stopped and looked back at her friend with an amused smile playing on her lips.

"Are you okay? You seem to be a little nervous."

The dark-haired woman scoffed and hid her red cheeks with her hair. She pulled on her silk top and pretended to adjust it; cleared her voice.

"Oh come on, Gracie! It's far from being the first time. I'm not a novice anymore…"

_And yes, to be completely honest, I start freaking out. _The interior designer didn't insist. Anyway she knew her friend by heart and seeing her in such a state was extremely entertaining; for it being so rare.

"I still don't understand why you want Jack and me to come though… I mean, we have already attended those reunions a couple of times so we know what you're going to say; more or less."

Karen raised her eyebrows and got lost in the contemplation of Grace's eight-month-pregnant stomach. She shrugged.

"Why, you might be surprised at the end."

Grace frowned, highly intrigued by the reply. It was the first time that Karen conceded an ounce of explanation about the importance of her friends' presence at the meeting. She opened her mouth to ask for further information but Will came in the living-room and got Karen's attention right away; as usually. Barely noticing the interior designer, he passed his arms around the dark-haired woman's waist, made her turn around and leaned over to kiss her lips softly. Grace rolled her eyes and went away. What was the problem of newly-weds and this necessity to show their love to the whole world every five seconds? She was just wondering if she would have the same chance one day; even more now that she was expecting a child, on her own, alone. She had broken up with the father before knowing about her pregnancy and against all expectations she had preferred to stay quiet over it. She didn't love him; she would assume motherhood all by herself.

The red-haired woman leaned against the window and looked down at the street, still holding Karen and Will's child; then murmured.

"Your parents are lacking decency, honey. If one day you understand what I mean, don't forget you're always welcome at aunt Grace's; and at aunt Jack's too but I'm afraid he won't be able to bring you another image either…"

Karen stopped joking around with Jack and cleared her voice. Going silly with her friend was still an excellent getaway but unfortunately it didn't get rid of stress and once she had to face back her audience, she barely remembered the lightness of the previous moment. Unconsciously she began to play with her wedding band, making it twirl around her finger as she smiled forcefully. Dean was there, as always; as well as a couple of other people and Mary Hazel but she absolutely didn't know the rest of the crowd and the room was full that morning. She glanced at Will who was holding their sleeping toddler in his arms and started to speak.

"Hi, my name is Karen… Two years ago I've got a letter, the results of what was only supposed to be a mere check up. But it turned out to be different; really far from what I had expected. 'Biologically unfit'; the words are still so sharp... At the beginning I didn't even dare to say them out loud. I went from the eventual mistake by the scientists to the realization that I wasn't like the others. I didn't say it to anyone, not even to my closest friends. I was ashamed and hurt; so sad…"

She swallowed hard and kept on talking. As much as the beginning of her speech was difficult, once she had started, it went out by itself and she let it carry her throughout a wave of memories, rocked by the reminiscence of a whole ocean of feelings.

"I can't explain what happened, nobody can. And even though you won't all get to live it, I'm here today to tell you to keep hope because we never know. I came with…"

She turned towards the attorney and nodded.

"Will, could you…"

He stood up and gave her their child who slowly moved. She looked back at her audience, young couples, older ones; from different social classes but with an identical story at the end, the dream of having a baby in spite of their 'biologically unfit' diagnostic.

"This is May, our daughter. As you can see she has two feet, two hands and the complete human being kit. She can also cry that's why I prefer not to wake her up. She made her first steps last week and this is something I would have never thought that I would live one day when I got my medical results. I got an artificial insemination but id didn't work out and while I was losing hope, May arrived in our life without any warning; naturally. I know it's crazy but when I see the result… Don't give up. That's all I can say; I guess I'm the best example of the reason why you concentrate your moral efforts. Speak about it to your friends, don't keep it for yourself. It's too heavy. We all need help and support or I wouldn't be here today, holding my daughter in my arms and… I also wanted to take advantage of this reunion to say that miracles can get repeated sometimes."

She looked down and bit her lower lip before smiling brightly at the audience.

"I'm three-month pregnant."

Her hazel eyes caught Will's brown ones. She laughed lightly.

"We're going to have another baby; no matter I'm still supposed to be 'biologically unfit'."


End file.
